I have not written a word on here in 35 days. I have thought about it maybe 20 times, but it never seems like the right time. It seems like there is too much to say, so I just don't say anything.
43 days ago I worked my last day before Thanksgiving Break. 41 days ago I ate turkey and dressing and dessert til my stomach hurt. 37 days ago I learned my boss was in the ICU. 35 days ago I put up the Christmas tree. 20 days ago I worked my last day before Christmas break (thankful for the timing). 15 days ago I got a phone call relaying the news that my boss was now face-to-face with Jesus in heaven. 11 days ago I celebrated Christmas with my family. 3 days ago a new year started.
My head, it spins. And, that, my friends, is why I still have each and every Christmas decoration still in its spot. That is why I don't want to pack the tree away. Move on. As if I've actually engaged in the season. In the Advent...the waiting...the longing for Messiah to come. Yeah, I put up the tree. I even turned on the lights. Every chance I could get, in fact. But my heart and my mind---I turned them off. I "got through it". I can look at the calendar, and tell you, by the numbers, what I've done with my life over the last month. But it's surreal---I know I did these things, but I can't quite feel them, if that even makes sense.
This morning I read a friend's blog. I think she is one of the most honest people I Know...I enjoy reading her blog as she processes her thoughts. This is what she said:
"I need to safe guard the important things and when things get stressful I can't continue to turn to temporary mind numbing solutions to deep soul problems. If I am not running to the source for solutions-to my relationship with God- then I am not building towards really protecting myself I am just ignoring the problems for a little while."
And this is what I said:
"WOW! This is exactly where I am right now!"
Jesus...He keeps leading me back here...to this same thing. I can't keep turning my mind off when life is hard. He is calling to me in these times, to walk with Him, to grow in Him. And when I turn my brain off, I MISS Him!
The very same day I last posted---as I was going through old papers from my time in EA---I ran across a devotional a friend had written about the parable of the hidden treasure. You know-- a man finds this hidden treasure in a field, and in his joy, he goes and sells all he has to buy that field so he can possess the treasure. Jesus says that's what the kingdom of God is like. My friend said that God is calling us to sell all we have so that we can fully enter into the "field" of our circumstances, and with joy, possess the treasure hidden there; that is, Jesus. My friend posited that until I'm willing to sell all I have to buy that field and possess that treasure, I am not going to see Jesus working in my circumstances. I am going to miss him. I am going to despair. I think my friend is on to something.
