Sunday night we had a special baptism and singing service at church. I listened to Allie share how God connected the dots about Jesus for her several years ago, and how she's given her life to Him. I listened to Brett ask her some questions like 'Did she believe Jesus's life and death and resurrection was enough to cover her sin and give her new life?' And 'Did she want to commit to following Him forever?' It all felt very wedding-y. It was beautiful, and we all cried for joy. And I was thinking about my own baptism, and the day that I first gave my life to Jesus. How He won my heart over. I couldn't help but think of my own vows to God.
Andrew got up to lead music, and he said the band had been praying that all of us would, in a sense, be "baptized" that night---renewed. And my heart leaped a little...renewed...like renewing your vows. And we started singing. And...have you ever sat down to a meal, not realizing you were hungry, but once you started eating, you realized it was the best food you'd ever tasted? That's what it was.
We sang song after song---all my favorites. I kept waiting for a song I didn't like to come up, but it never happened. And I knew---God directed the night for ALL of us, but I couldn't help but think, "He KNOWS these are my favorites." And I sang them...I had to...I sang them to Him. I couldn't help but think, "Is God...am I...are we renewing our vows?"
We sang how "There is Power in the Name of Jesus...to break every chain"....and I confessed that I want to believe this! I need to believe this! In fact, what I wrote on my paper is, "It is Time to believe God for..." For people in my life that I want to be free. For my own freedom from guilt and fear.
Then Andrew said something about being controlled by love, and of course, 2 Corinthians 5:14-15 came to mind, "For the love of Christ controls us, because we have concluded this: that one has died for all; therefore all have died; and He died for all that those who live might no longer live for themselves but for Him who for their sake died and was raised."
It was the beginning of the answer to my prayer...freedom is being controlled not by guilt and fear, but by the love of Christ. So, we sang about His love for us. What would it be like to be ruled by love instead of guilt and fear? It sounds like cold water in the desert. So I did, and I am, begging God to help me believe His love for me. To be controlled...compelled by that love.
And, Casey tells me He's going to answer that prayer because, well, it's what He wants, and He's the one who gave me that desire in the first place. And...I am stunned. And hopeful. It's been twelve years, and some days I honestly wish I had more to show for it. But apparently God isn't done yet. He still wants me. Even when I am faithless, He remains faithful, for He cannot deny Himself.
