Psalm 116, a Journal Entry

Putting me in my place, so to speak. I feel ashamed of my thoughts, and even words, about you lately - feeling like you hear, but don't answer - or, do so randomly. But, in spite of my FEELINGS, the TRUTH is:

"I love the LORD because He hears
& answers my prayers." (Ps. 116:1)

So, the natural response is:
"Because He bends down & listens,
I will pray as long as I have breath!" (Ps. 116:2)

Maybe it's like last night, getting Gracie to bed. We left and she cried and cried, even though everything was okay. We need her to trust us and rest. We were intently listening and watching her on the monitor, and hearts ached to hear her cry, but we knew what was best, even though it felt to her like we weren't listening, or didn't care. Maybe it felt random, but we knew exactly how long we'd let her cry before we came to comfort and reassure her. Eventually, she did settle down, and she's learning to sleep in her crib in her own room. It'll probably be a battle again tonight, but she will learn to trust us that she's safe. That's beautiful. Thank you Father. I have SO MUCH to learn. So much more of my trust to give you. I'm sorry for doubting you - your heart - when:

"How kind the LORD is! How good He is!
So merciful, this God of ours!
The LORD protects those of childlike faith...
Now I can rest again,
for the LORD has been good to me..." (Ps. 116:5-6a, 7)

What should I do?

"I believed in you,
so I prayed,
'I am deeply troubled, LORD.'
In my anxiety I cried out to you..." (Ps. 116:10-11a)

"What can I offer to the LORD for all He has done for me?
I will lift up the cup symbolizing His salvation,
I will praise the LORD's Name for saving me.
I will keep my promises to the LORD in the presence of all His people...
I will offer you a sacrifice of thanksgiving & call on the Name of the LORD.
I will keep my promises to the LORD in the presence of all His people,
in the house of hte LORD,
in the heart of Jerusalem." (Ps. 116:12-19)

"He has saved me...
And so I walk in the LORD's presence as I live here on earth." (Ps. 116:8a, 9)

On Infertility

The other night I watched this video about infertility in the church. Dr. Best describes what infertility is, what couples struggling with infertility should do, and what the church should do to care for those couples. It's a 15 minutes worth spending!

What drew me to the video is our own struggle through several years of longing for children but waiting for the Lord to answer that prayer. I hesitate to even call it "infertility", though by medical definition (more than one year of trying but unsuccessfully conceiving) it was, because I know so many people have struggled longer, tried more avenues, or even found out that they could never become pregnant. Nevertheless, the struggle was real. Enough that even now that word is a painful one. So I watched the video to see what she would say to the me of a year ago. And, to see what I should say to my friends and my future friends who will struggle with this, too.

What most struck me was her reminder that children are a BLESSING from the Lord. They are a GIFT. Now, I already believed that. I look at Gracie, and even in her name, I'm reminded that she is a GIFT. But, Dr. Best followed that logic out---if children are a gift, then it means they are not, as we often presume, deserved. Even though our culture, and even our churches, well-meaning as they may be, talk about children as if they just fall into the laps (or wombs?) of couples who just decide they're ready, it's just not the case.

The Lord opens and closes the womb. He gives gifts. Really good ones. But since He's the gift-giver, He also gets to be the one who decides WHEN and TO WHOM those gifts are given. Throughout our time of unfulfilled longing for children, what we came back to time and time again was this promise: "No good thing does He withhold from the righteous." What a painful, but sweet lesson to learn. So, now, as we care for our gift, our Gracie (grace=gift), we still cling to that promise. Because there will be a million more instances of having to trust in God's heart of love for us, and His desire to bless us, and His perfect timing, even when it looks to us like the answer comes too slow. Lord, help me. Even as I type, I feel the anxiety of "what could be". Trust Him. Trust Him. Trust Him. Soul, believe this. He IS good.