You will be fined if you don't obey it.

So, let's just say I have a hard time letting go of things that are sentimental. Or could be re-used. Or look pretty. I think I get this from my parents, who are themselves hoarders collectors.

I am, at the moment, rummaging through a box of things from my time spent in East Asia (yes, I do realize that I've been back two years), trying to decide what is junk and what is worth scrapbooking. I do believe I've just stumbled upon a treasure.

The following is from the "Wild Animal Park" in the city I used to live in. It is classic East Asia, and it makes my heart happy to read it:

The Instruction of Safety

Dear Visitors, welcome to the Wild Animals Park to make a sight---seeing.In order to your safety, please obey the following rules when you are in the park.
1. Please obey the regulation of the prcvcnt fires in the forest;
2. No fires in the park,no smoking and do not throw the cigarette butters and other kinds of materials for new fire;
3. No climbing railings,scaring and offering food to the animals;
4. When you are in the electro--mobile,please flowing the drivers and guide's instruction;
5. Cannot throw the fruit peel anywhere freely;
6. All the vehicles cannot enter the park without permission;
7. If you are hurt or get the disease,please call the first--aid center at once;
8. Be careful the slippery roads in raining days when you enter the park;
9. Please take care of your carriers and bags so as not to lost them;
10. The First--Aid Center are in the Beast Area and Tourist Center;
11. Police Tel: 0000-0000000 First--Aid Tel: 0000-0000000
Alarm Tel: 0000-0000000 Appleable Tel: 0000-0000000
Please obey the above rules. You will be fined if you don't obey it.

Wild Animals Park

Oh man, I mean, you just can't make that up. Thanks for a laugh EA.

I am Barabbas. I am the angry crowd.

"Now it was the governor's custom at the Feast to release a prisoner chosen by the crowd. At that time they had a notorious prisoner, called Barabbas. So when the crowd had gathered, Pilate asked them, 'Which one do you want me to release to you: Barabbas, or Jesus who is called Christ?' For he knew it was out of envy that they had handed Jesus over to him...

'Barabbas,' they answered.

'What shall I do, then, with Jesus who is called Christ?' Pilate asked.

They all answered, 'Crucify him!'...

Pilate...took water and washed his hands in front of the crowd. 'I am innocent of this man's blood,' he said. 'It is your responsibility!'

All the people answered, 'Let his blood be on us and on our children!'

Then he released Barabbas to them. But he had Jesus flogged, and handed him over to be crucified."

(Matthew 27:15-18, 21b-22, 24b-26)

I am Barabbas---I am released, while Jesus is flogged and crucified.

I am the angry crowd---Jesus' blood is on my hands, but He has made me clean by covering me with His blood.

This is a picture of the NC State GLBT Center, which was vandalized this week (You can read the story on WRAL here, or on NCSU's online edition of the school newspaper here). I don't really know why I read people's comments on controversial stories like this, because they always make my blood pressure rise. Nonetheless, I seem to keep doing it, and then vowing never to do it again. Today is no different. As I read the comments on the WRAL site, they ranged from sympathy for the victims (in this case, the GLBT community at NC State), to hatred towards the perpetrators (whoever decided to do a little hate-filled artwork a couple nights ago, instead of doing their homework), to the conspiracy theory that the perpetrators and the victims are in the fact the same people (in other words, did the GLBT community actually paint this to stir up dialogue?).

Well, okay, let's say that NO students at NC State actually have a problem with there being a GLBT Center, or with anyone being Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, or Transgender. Let's say everyone gets a long just swell, and they really could care less what someoene's sexual orientation is (right...). And, let's say that the GLBT community did in fact paint this on their own Center's door and bulletin boards, just to get the NCSU community at large to talk about things. Well, I'd say, judging by the hate-filled comments on WRAL's story, their "idea" wasn't so crazy.

Now, before you start flipping out, thinking I've gone all "liberal" on you, stop. This isn't a discussion about whether being Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, or Transgender is okay. In reality, my stand is the same as it has been: My standard is God's Word. According to God's Word, there is one design for mankind---one man, one woman, in marriage (and no, I do not care to discuss the proposed legislation to mandate this definition---that's not what this post is about either). "So, what then, is this post about?" you ask.

Well, it's about this: On Saturday night, Casey and I watched a movie from the '90's called "Philadelphia" starring Tom Hanks and Denzel Washington. We didn't know anything about it before Saturday, except the blurb on the box, but it sounded interesting, and it won lots of awards, which is sometimes a good sign, so we decided to check it out. If you're unfamiliar, I'll enlighten you a bit on its plot. Tom Hanks and Denzel Washington are both lawyers in Philly. Tom works for a big-time law firm, and has just landed a huge lawsuit. Denzel is your stereotypical personal injury lawyer (appearing in ads on TV, reminding you that you need to get yours). They end up running into each other, as they are on opposite sides of a case (the case is not important...and I can't really remember it). So...anywho....you soon find out that Tom has AIDS, and is dying. Around the same time you find out, his bosses also find out, and decide to fire him for "incompetence". After going to 9 other lawyers who don't want to take the case, Tom finally goes to Denzel and asks him to take on the suit he's filing against his former employers for wrongful termination. Denzel['s character] hates gay people and is afraid of people with AIDS, so he won't take the case. Through a series of circumstances, he does end up taking the case, works through his fear of people with AIDS and his hatred of gay people; they end up winning the suit; Tom ends up dying at the end, but not before he makes a great impression on Denzel; and they all live happily ever after. Whew. Made it through.

Now, this movie, in my opinion, was actually ahead of its time, as far as the issue of homosexuality, and how it is perceived in our society, is concerned. I kept remarking that this movie could have been made today, because it sounds just like the dialogue (yeah, that's a nice word for it) that is happening right now in our country. However, as I've already said, I was not most intrigued by the agenda the movie puts forward (because, honestly, I don't agree with all of it). What I can't get out of my head, though, is this one scene.

In the movie, one of the senior partners (Is that the right term...I don't know?) used to work in another firm, where that happened to be a female co-worker with AIDS. He knew that she had AIDS because prominent lesions would appear on her face. This is important because this senior partner, along with all the others, is denying that he knew Tom had AIDS, even though Tom also had these prominent lesions on his face. So, Denzel brings in this former female co-worker to talk about her illness and her experience with the senior partner. She talks about the "'Oh-God' expression" that came over him whenever he saw her. Then she talks about how she contracted the AIDS virus (which is very important to the defense, as you should see shortly). Here's a snippet of the questioning (the defense is questioning the witness Ms. Benedict):

Defense: Ms. Benedict, how did you contract the AIDS virus?

               
Ms. Benedict: Through a transfusion. I lost a lot of blood giving birth to my second child.
Defense: So, in your case there was no behavior on your part... which caused you to be
infected with the virus.It was something you were unable to avoid. Isn't that correct?
Ms. Benedict: I guess.
Defense: Thank you. 
               
Ms. Benedict: But I don't consider myself...any different from anyone else
with this disease. I'm not guilty. I'm not innocent. I'm just trying to survive.

Okay, so the analogy is not going to carry all the way through, because obviously, based on God's Word, I do believe in guilt and innocence. In fact, I believe we are all guilty. But. I cannot stop thinking about Ms. Benedict's response. The defense's strategy is clear. They are attempting to say that Ms. Benedict contracted AIDS through no fault of her own---that she didn't deserve to have it---but that Tom, being homosexual, behaved in a way that he deserved to contract AIDS and die. Ms. Benedict won't let that fly. She says "But I don't consider myself any different...from anyone else with this disease." 

And THAT is the point! I---me, Cristina---consider myself no different from anyone else with this disease. Namely, Sin. I'm a sinner. You're a sinner. Your specific sins may have a different name than mine, but their end result is the same. Either we trust in Jesus to pay for our sins, or we pay for them ourselves. When I forget that Jesus paid for my sins, and start to think I am good on my own, then hatred for others fills my heart and all I want to do is point out how "they" are bad, and I am good. But, when I remember that I, on my own, am evil and unworthy of knowing God, but that Jesus has paid for me and given me His righteousness, then is my heart filled with compassion for other sinners who are just like me---hopeless without Jesus.   

The time for obedience is Now, not Then

I love my church, East Rock Community.  One thing I love about our people and our leadership is the commitment to be real with one another.  Though my prayer is that we will go far deeper in this commitment, I'm encouraged that we're headed in the right direction.  One way God is using us to cultivate an atmosphere of authenticity in our weekly gathering is with an open time of sharing & encouragement.  During this time, anyone can stand or speak up to share a need for prayer, to confess sin, or to share how they've witnessed God working in their life over the past week.  I love this time, particularly because it gives freedom to the Spirit in prompting anyone to speak, and it provides opportunities for us to encourage one another or lay hands on another in prayer (nothing breaks me more than seeing a crowd of people gathering around another to support him or her in prayer!).  I love this time also because it reminds me that God is real, and regardless of how blind I may have been to see Him work in my own life over the past week, I'm always encouraged to hear how He's working in the life of a brother or sister.

Many times I've stood myself and testified of God's obvious power in my life over the past week, and I've been tremendously blessed to see how that testimony blesses another.  But last night (our church's weekly gathering is on Sunday evening), I balked out of fear, and my hesitance to share hindered another from being blessed by the confession I felt prompted to make public.  Oddly enough, my confession was to be one of fearing what people think of me.  My legs were tensed to stand, my Bible open, and yet my wicked heart restrained me to my seat in the pew, and my mouth remained closed.  We began to sing, the song of which I forget, though I remember lyrics along the lines of "surrendering everything to follow Jesus."  I felt I was singing a lie, and that started tearing me up.  My adversary continued to wail on me, telling me I would never change, telling me I'd missed that opportunity and so now would never be healed, telling me I was unworthy to sing before my King.

In part, he was right.

"Unworthy to sing before King Jesus" was God's honest truth, spoken by a devil.  But he was only half right, and half victorious.  For in the subsequent battle, God's Spirit told me that yes, I had been disobedient.  Yes, I had missed a great opportunity to make my need known to His people, missing an opportunity for any of them to respond with prayer or encouragement.  Yes, my disobedience does warrant condemnation, & does warrant being cast out of the presence of a holy sinless God Almighty.  "But God..."

But God in His Spirit revealed a precious truth.  I had been disobedient then, but His power still resided in me, sealed by the blood of Jesus dying in my place for my sins, and there was NOW a new opportunity for obedience.  I had made the wrong choice 30 seconds ago, but a new choice was being presented to me NOW.  As much as I wanted to change what happened THEN, His refrain was "today is the day of salvation."  And so in my "today," in that "now", by His power I chose obedience, and I pursued my pastor at the front of the building to ask for his prayer.  And in that moment, there was victory, and I was able to forget myself for the rest of the evening, lost in the precious grace of my Savior.

 

Oddly enough, we opened the Word to Mark 14.  Peter, James, & John, Jesus' closest friends, fell away and fell asleep, deserting Him in His painful hour praying in Gethsemane.  But Jesus went to the cross for them still. He knew beforehand that they would fall away and even told them that, and yet He stilll went to the cross for them.  Later on, however, they "got it", and they chose rightly to obey.  I hear the enemy's lies all the time, and he often likes to take an obvious failure of mine and remind me of it over and over again till I feel sick. satan may be beating you up now over something you've done 10 years or 10 seconds ago, but the truth is that now is the acceptable time to obey, and now God's power is available to you and me, purchased by Jesus' blood (2 Corinthians 6:2)

Not to us, O LORD, not to us, But to Your name give glory...(Psalm 115:1)

The pic is me and Sis at the Jack Johnson concert August 12th, 2008---just a couple of days before I headed out for a year of STINT (Short Term International) with Cru. I'm smiling here. Partly because I love hanging out with my sister. Partly because we're at a Jack Johnson concert and he draws an interesting array of ages/subcultures. And, I'm betting a lot of that smile also has to do with relief. Relief that I had finally reached the 100% mark for support-raising, and had packed my bags (well...I had started anyway), and I was boarding a plane in a few days.

I don't really like to think back to that summer too much, because, to be honest, a lot of it SUCKED. I had just graduated from college, aka, the spend-24-7-with-all-your-best-buds-stay-up-late-to-go-to-Cookout-for-a-milkshake-and-feel-totally-rested-the-next-morning-constant-hangout-that-I'd-called-life-for-four-years. And that is depressing enough when you are 22. Not only did I graduate, but I left Raleigh, where ALL (seemingly, anyway) of my friends still lived; where my church for the last three years was; where there were malls in every direction; where people were actually at Cookout if you decided to go at 3 A.M. Then, on top my post-college-letdown, add in the fact that I was leaving the country for a year in August, and would have to do this whole starting life over thing again. Then, remember that, as part of that whole leaving the country thing, you have to raise $1000's of dollars. My heart is beating faster. Is yours?

So, today, I was going through some books and such, and I came across my journal from that summer. Most of it, honestly, is me crying, or talking about crying, or wondering when I'm gonna stop crying...I feel bad for the girl, but I'm also like "C'mon already! Look up!" So, on Wednesday, July 23rd, a couple weeks before I was supposed to leave for E.A., and only 1 week and 1 day until I was supposed to have raised 100% of my support, here's what I wrote:

"Well, I was feeling good & light until last night in the bed [Support] Coach...called & said how I had 8 days left. That # & the number I still have left---between 13 & 14,000---to raise---caused some panic, but I want to still trust God. God I know You are able to do it all tonight if You want. I pray for You to work & for me to trust. Wisdom in what to say. Who to talk to next. Joy."

The next day, I wrote:

"7 days & $10,000 to go---it's how I'm measuring time---like all else has ceased to exist until we reach $0 to raise. But I will say the last few days have seen a good bit of $, all thanks to You Lord. I'm frustrated b/c I feel like I'm ignoring You God, for this $ & I don't quite know how to change, except to get in Your Word. Help me think on You more than this $."

So, then, apparently I read 2 Samuel 4-7 right after praying, and here's the thoughts I recorded on it:

"You have put David (from nothing) as king over Israel. So, David wants to build You a house---instead, You say "No, David I'm gonna build YOU a house."

I don't even think I connected the two when I was writing it, but looking back now it's clear as day!!! The point of that summer, and my continual failure as I depended on myself to raise the money, was to show God faithful, and myself utterly dependent on Him for life and breath and everything! I wanted so badly to build God a "house" of money that summer. 'Look God, see all the money I raised for You?' But God, thankfully, would not let me. He said 'No, Cristina, I'm gonna build YOU a house.' Oh the depth of the riches of the wisdom and knowledge of God!

Six days later, Wednesday, July 30th, 2008:

"Well God, You have accomplished it. I'm not sure exactly the number we're at, but support is pretty much almost done. That is crazy---well, I guess it's really not---it's just ya know my faith is this big and YOU ARE TOO BIG TO EXPRESS."

On campus in E.A. Peace!

Sent to Roxboro

So my wife has been quite the little blogger for our family over the past 6 months or so, blogging 10 11 12 times since my last post (it's taken me a week to even finish this one).  So here's to a comeback, exempt from fireworks & colorful streamers.

Today was a down day, in part because we've been so slow at the new workplace.  But that just serves to remind me: I'm at a new workplace.

In one of the previous 10, I believe the diligent Cristina mentioned that we were moving (and have moved) to the booming metropolis of Roxboro, where we say words like "swoney" and "Imagone", as in "Imagone do that today", which is contrary to our Raleigh-speak:  "I am going to do that today."  Cristina still hasn't figured out what "swoney" means, though somehow it's reentered my everyday vernacular.  Since we've proclaimed that we're here as missionaries, I pass it off as contextualization.

To be a missionary in Roxboro has been a strange thing.  I mean, for one, who says that? Yes, Roxboro is my hometown.  And yes, this is the same word we used of ourselves when we moved to East Asia, and the same word my new friend Aaron is using as he prepares to proclaim Jesus with his life in Senegal.

See, this has been part of an ongoing lesson God's been teaching me (and us) since we ended our missionary service in Asia 2 years ago, though I feel like the lessons have been accelerated over the past few months.

Though I felt in East Asia that serving there wasn't a longterm fit for me, I loved the way my team did life.  We planned, strategized, prayed, worshipped, sat under the Word of God, ate meals, played, travelled, shared housing (same gender of course), laughed, wept, and celebrated together.  When I returned to America, I continued many of these same activities, but no longer together with my team. We had lived life as a team on mission, and reverting to any other way of living has honestly been a letdown over the past couple years.

*****

I was looking at pictures from our time in East Asia today as they cycled by on Cristina's screen saver, and I was reminded of some of the great time in fellowship I had with my teammates in Asia.  However, as the pictures scrolled through in chronological order, I felt sudden pain as the photos began to show life captured not in Asia, but now America.  Coming back to America from Asia in July 09 was certainly one of the toughest periods in my life.  No, no one died, and no real tragedy struck, but something did die and I vividly remember the grief.  Much can be said of the pitfalls of American culture, and I think for a long time I've blamed the pain on our cultural sins.  But as we looked at those photos today, I remarked to Cristina how I feel our transition from Asia back to America would not have been so hard had I experienced this transition with my team.  While in Asia, we had traveled to many other places together, throughout Asia, and even to Singapore, Malaysia, & the Philippines. Coming back to Roxboro, it just felt like my team should have been with me there too.  The change of geography was not what I grieved, but it was the breaking of those relationships and that manner of living life together with that rent my soul.

We're now here in Roxboro to be the church, on mission with God and His people here as a team.  God is a God on mission to reconcile the world to a restored relationship with Himself and the church (those reconciled) is His plan for changing the world.  Why should we live any differently here than in East Asia? Why should I keep everyone at arm's length and never really get to know anyone (or let them know me)?  "All authority on heaven and earth has been given to Me (Jesus)" includes Roxboro too.  "As you are going, make followers of Me from all nations".  Jesus let your people in Roxboro truly be your Body, your hands & feet & mouthpiece in demonstrating how high & wide & long & broad your love is to the world!  Let us know each other, so we can really love each other.  Thanks God, for remembering Roxboro, too.

We know it's not gonna be an easy mission, and we've been reminded that getting to know people takes time.  And we even realize that many who have also gone by the name of "church" have given the impression that God is distant or discrimminating.  And yet we're pumped to see what God has in store.

Life in the 'Boro

We have officially lived in the 'Boro for 5 weeks & 2 days. I know this because I counted on this handy-dandy calendar I acquired from my sis-in-law when I went to help her organize her classroom. I knew there'd be something in it for me! Juuuust kidding. I had fun Krysi! Call me up when you need to do spring cleaning!

So, what else have we been up to? Well, we've gone on a couple lil dates. Our first night on the town was a stop at American Hero (apparently home to some great cheesesteaks, which I unfortunately did not try---next time). Then we were gonna go walk in the park, but it started raining, as evidenced by this rainbow (ohhh, pretty),




so I suggested an alternative that I'll probably never live down. Can

you make it out through the rain-covered windshield?

While here we have also developed an obsession with milkshakes. Peach at Sugar Shack. Peanut-butter-banana-fudge at Cookout. Last night we needed to get out of the house, so we went to Cookout for a milkshake (after playing an awesome game of I Spy---or is it Eye Spy?---who says adults can't play that game?!). Then we came home to play chess. Who are we really? But, by the end of the game I was happy and exhausted, so there ya go. Photo evidence:



And that's about all I got from Roxboro via pictures. In other notes: God is being faithful (duh, why do I doubt?) to answer prayers. Relationships are being built (they take time...which I sometimes forget), jobs are being worked, money is being provided (hello little AT & T rebate! what a nice surprise you were!), life is being lived. Amen.

There's really no excuse for not writing this blog earlier. Nonetheless, here we are, almost one month later.

One month later than what you ask? ONE YEAR I say! One year of newlywed bliss. I'm happy to report that in this first year we have never fought; we have never been frustrated with one another; we've every day looked out for the other before ourselves; we've let our spouse pick the movie even though we would rather have watched something else; we didn't even mind when our significant other ate the last cookie (brownie, chip, bite of salsa, slice of cheese, waffle, etc.). It has been awesome. Now I know what those married folks have been enjoying all these years!

PSYYYYYYYCH. Okay, hopefully you are back in your seat after making a trip to the bathroom to puke, and we can carry on with the real version of the last year. Of course we have fought. Mostly over incredibly trivial things. Things like "You finished the bag of chips? I just bought that bag of chips yetserdayyy!" or whether it is better to write all those thank-you-notes "with some peace and quiet so I can think straight" or "with some music so I can be more excited about my hand falling off as I crank these bad boys out." Seriously, at least two fights ensued over music vs. quiet. Not sure who won those yet. But truthfully, some of that "newlywed bliss" stuff is not all off-base.

What I mean to say is we have had a good year. It is fun to read together before bed (yeah, we're nerdy, so what!). It is awesome praying together---it is so cool how God can use Casey praying with me/for me to just pour some salve into a wound that's been reopened. It is, while at times stressful, way more exciting to cook dinner for two people than one. Especially when your husband will eat almost anything and routinely says "That was good, babe!" Thanks Love! It is, grueling, yet empowering, to work together on a monthly budget/spending plan. It is encouraging to see God work through Casey to love people and build relationships and to push them to Christ. It is humbling to be his helper. I am inadequate, but God's grace is sufficient for me, for His power is made perfect in my weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9).

There are so many more ways that God has grown us, and so many conversations, and prayers, and movie nights, and dinners, and family gatherings, and heartaches, and breakthroughs, and happy tears, and sad tears, and...life. How could I record them all? But God has been faithful through all of them, and we know He will continue to be. I am so happy to be married to my man. I am so thankful. "Because of my sin, and its consequences, I know I do not deserve to marry you," but I am so glad for grace!

The Cup

So, I once heard an awesome (as in really weighty) talk about "the cup"---of God's wrath, that is---and how Jesus took that cup for us. CJ Mahaney led us through the Garden of Gethsemane, and why it was such a terrible time for Jesus---because Jesus was already starting to drink, willingly, from the cup then. This was, strangely, the best picture I could find for that scene. For more on the other outdated images that google will bring up for you, watch here.

Anyway, I'm reading Isaiah now. It is by far my favorite book of the Bible. Is that sacrilegious to have a favorite? Well, either way, it's my favorite. Casey always gives me a funny look when I say that---and I guess I understand---because, honestly, there's a lot of hard stuff---lots of wrath is talked about throughout the 66 chapters. But there's also some of the sweetest words (in my opinion) of the Bible in there. And, I suppose, sometimes, I do just go straight to the sweet words. I could just camp out on chapters 40-43 maybe forever. But, I also think that sometimes the sweet words are all the sweeter when they immediately follow the hard words about our sin and its nasty disgusting deathly consequences. I'll admit though, there is this dissonance going on. Even within a chapter it'll be wrath, wrath, and then it'll end with peace and faithful love of God the King, Father, Creator, Husband.

This morning, though, it sort of all came together. I was reading chapter 50 and it starts with God rebuking Israel. Basically saying "Look, it's your own sin in turning away from me that has led to this mess (namely, the exile), and not my turning from you." He says "Is my hand shortened, that it cannot redeem?" (50:2b) Answer: Duh. No. So we go from the rebuke, to the end of the chapter and God is saying "Let him who walks in darkness (again, exile) and has no light trust in the name of the LORD and rely on his God." (50:10b). Which is awesome that we get to put our hope in God and find salvation, but it's like "Wait a minute...what about all that wrath from the beginning? I mean, is that just swept under the rug?..." NO! It's not. Because our God is a God of justice. And that's when the middle of the chapter made sense. Verse 4, a character enters. He says:

"The Lord God has given me the tongue of those who are taught,
that I may know how to sustain with a word him who is weary...
The Lord God has opened my ear, and I was not rebellious;
I turned not backward.
I gave my back to those who strike, and my cheeks to those who pull out the beard;
I hid not my face from disgrace and spitting.
But the Lord God helps me; therefore I have not been disgraced;
therefore I have set my face like a flint, and I know that I shall not be put to shame.
He who vindicates me is near.
Who will contend with me? Let us stand up together.
Who is my adversary? Let him come near to me.
Behold, the Lord GOD helps me; who will declare me guilty?
Behold, all of them will wear out like a garment; the moth will eat them up."

And who is this character? He is Messiah. Jesus. The mediator. He stands in on our behalf and is struck by the enemy for our sin. But He knows that God will help Him and vindicate Him, so He does not despair. And now, He allows us to say with Him, "He who vindicates me is near. Who will contend with me? Let us stand up together? Who is my adversary? Let him come near to me. Behold, the Lord GOD helps me; who will declare me guilty?" (50:8-9) So, here, as John Piper has said, "the death of the Messiah resolved the dissonance of history."

"You drink the cup to the bottom,
but it burns in your hand.
The cup was poured out
on The Maker instead."
(from "High Countries" by Sandra McCracken)

A Sweet Picture

"Can a mother forget the baby at her breast
and have no compassion on the child she has borne?
Though she may forget,

I will not forget you!
See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands;
your walls are ever before me."

That's some of the most striking words and imagery I can imagine. It's kind of the most absurd question. How could a mother forget her child??? Answer: she couldn't! BUT, even if it were possible, God will NOT forget us! That is amazing. It's not even that He can't forget us, but that He "will not" forget us. He has chosen to remember us. He has engraved us on the palms of His hands. He will not forget us.

"Why Suffering?"

Why Suffering? from The Summit Church Sermons on Vimeo.

What I am (in a comparatively small way) wrestling with now. These words are a comfort in the midst of it...

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God (2 Corinthians 1:3-4)...

We do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about the hardships we suffered in the province of Asia. We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired even of life. Indeed, in our hearts we felt the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead. He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and He will deliver us. On Him we have set our hope that He will continue to deliver us (2 Corinthians 1:8-10)...

We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed (2 Corinthians 4:8-9)...

because we know that the One who rasied the Lord Jesus from the dead will also raise us with Jesus (2 Corinthians 4:14)...

Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. Four our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." (2 Corinthians 4:16-18)

Finally!

This post is SO overdue, but let's be honest...when you spend a week or so unpacking your whole life, who feels like blogging? Not I. "Unpacking?" you may say. Yes, if you have not heard, we moved to the lovely little town of Roxboro (Casey's hometown, and now, our hometown). As we said before, this has been a somewhat hoped for, but also unexpectedly quick, transition. As in, we found out about a month before we moved that we were moving. Here's Casey the day he got the job. All smiles. That's 'cause he wasn't thinking about all that packing/unpacking we were gonna have to do...

That was Monday, June 19th. From then on, we were bombarded with kindness from just about everyone we knew. A couple weeks after the big day, mom and dad W. came up to help pack some of our stuff. That was the first time I thought "Why ON EARTH do we have so much stuff?"

On Friday, July 15th we both worked our last day at work. Casey's work friends---The B Team---went out for Mexican to commemorate the last day. My P.W. work friends showered me with chocolate and balloons and cake and a flower (that I'm trying desperately not to kill). They were so sweet to me, and tried hard to make me cry, and I'm so thankful for the relationships I built there. Praise the Lord!

Also, on that Friday, before joining Casey and the rest of the B Team for lunch, I stopped by the hut (our affectionate name for the apt), only to find the power was out. Four phone calls, five customer service reps, six explanations, and a couple hours later, I found out the power was not coming back on until Monday---yes, the day we were moving out---due to a miscommunication. *Note to all here: when you are changing anything about your power, MAKE SURE you find out exactly when and where and how and who will be cutting your power off. And then double-check.* Standing outside in the 95-degree heat, sobbing, I called Casey to explain the situation. I've never been more thankful for his phone-call-oriented job, because he proceeded to handle all the rest of it with ease. "Now...what to do with all that meat in the freezer??" Enter, Leah. Leah and Silas came to my rescue and salvaged everything in the fridge and freezer! Amazing! Thank you so much Groff's. Not only that, but they let us live at their house that night, since it was 90 degrees and no AC in the hut.

Saturday we packed up a TON of stuff (note: the second time I thought "Why on EARTH do we have so much stuff?") thanks to Melissa, Tyler, and Erika. Erika is Tyler's girlfriend, who Casey and I had just met Thursday night, and she offered to come Saturday. Thank the Lord for the Body! After we finally got back to Raleigh from our Roxboro trip some friends from our Summit Small Group, the Chaney's, let us crash at their house for two nights! Again, the Body rocks! We got to watch "To Kill a Mockingbird", hear Casey sing to Rock Band, eat pizza, and just generally enjoy each other's company.

Monday was the BIG rent-the-U-haul-get-everything-out-of-the-house-day. That the was my third "Why on EARTH do we have so much stuff???" thought. Again, we were so blessed by Clayton, David, Carl, & Elizabeth helping us load it all up. Melissa loved on us again and bought lunch for the moving company. Sweet, generous friend. We headed to Roxboro, where once again, the Body provided for our needs. We were met at our new apartment by John, Austin, Tim, Willie, Destiny, Allie, and Stephanie, who unloaded ALL of our stuff. Alright, say it all together with me now: "WHY ON EARTH DO WE HAVE SO MUCH STUFF???"

Wednesday (The day I will just call, you guessed it, "WHY ON EARTH DO WE HAVE SO MUCH STUFF??? Day"), Mama Adams and Krysi came over and pretty much single-handedly (double-handedly?) unpacked our house. I keep saying they should start a business. I can't believe our house is already in order. It is such a relief to be really living in our apartment already. (A side note: you may now find a good portion of the 'why-on-earth-do-we-have-so-much-stuff?' stuff in the Durham Goodwill.)

I know, I know, this is the most ridiculously long post ever, and maybe boring, but I have to record the ways that God has provided for us. I have only shared like half of it. Because all along the way, countless people prayed for us and over us, offered to help pack and move, provided meals for us, listened to our worries, and just fellowshipped with us as we left Raleigh, or arrived in Roxboro. This is one of those times, I think, that we are supposed to look back on when we start to doubt God's good and faithful love and provision for us. And when we see it, there's no way we can say that He is not for us. Thank you Daddy!

Hope

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." (Romans 15:13)

"I Will Follow"

As I write this, I am appropriately listening to Chris Tomlin singing "Where You go, I'll go/Where You stay, I'll stay/When You move, I'll move/I will follow You/Who You love, I'll love/How You serve, I'll serve/If this life I lose, I will follow You". And so it is---He has moved, so we are moving.

For about a year and a half, we have been praying (some times more faithfully than others) for Casey (and me) to have a new position with a change of pace and more "normal" hours. We have learned much along the way about serving God faithfully where we are, even when it is the last thing we want to do. Oh the depth of the riches of the wisdom and knowledge of God! Would we have learned as much if our prayers had been answered immediately? I'd venture a "no" on that one. We've poured into relationships for over a year with our co-workers. We've learned how to serve the Lord, and not just our earthly masters. We've learned how to apologize when we screw up at work. We've learned we have to depend on God for everything, including answering phones and sweeping floors. We've learned how to budget, and how to streeeeeeeetch a dollar each month. And we've also learned that our Father faithfully provides for His children, when we don't see a way. We've learned to make the most of the days that we both have off, and that we must be intentional about spending time together. We have learned how important a day of rest is, even if it doesn't come until Tuesday or Wednesday or Thursday, instead of Sunday. There is so much more that I can't think of now, and even more that I probably won't ever know we learned here. And now comes another a season.

For some time we had talked amongst ourselves about someday being a part of Roxboro life. We'd make pros and cons lists, we'd pray, we'd get caught up in everyday life, and then we'd cycle back through those. Mid-May, Roxboro was heavy on our hearts and minds. We were talking a lot about it. On a whim, Casey applied for a position in Raleigh, got an immediate callback and interview, and confused the junk out of our Roxboro-thoughts. We both freaked out and prayed a lot more---'What does this mean God? We thought you were leading us to the 'Boro?' Casey interviewed, it went really well, and we were pretty sure he was gonna get it. 'Okay God...whatever You want...' He was called for a second interview with another manager, and that interview didn't go as well as the first. Looked like nothing was gonna come of this after all. More confusion...That afternoon he got called into Big Boss' office. Big Boss broke the news---Raleigh job: no-go. But, he also inquired about Casey's life goals and, in passing, Case mentioned the desire to one day be in Roxboro. Long story short, as my mom would say (love you Mom!), Big Boss called Roxboro, where someone had "just happened" to put in retirement notice the day before, Casey got an interview, he "just happened" to be the perfect fit for the job, and we "just happen" to be moving in approximately 2 weeks.

My favorite part of this so far is the affirmation we've had from several people who don't really care much for God, or how He would work things out. The general consensus is that "there sure are a lot of coincidences." Yes, if I believed in coincidence, there sure a lot of them in this story. But then, I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in God's sovereign and loving hand working out all things for the good of those who love Him, who are called according to His purpose. So we are off to Roxboro, currently without a place to live or a job for me, yet trusting that our Father who has provided thus far, most certainly has provided those things too. So we wait patiently for what we do not yet see. Updates to follow.

What God Requires, He Provides

I'm reading the book of John right now. I was reading Luke since we were studying Luke as a church, and then I thought I'd just ease on into Acts after that, since they are kind of like Part I and Part II from the same guy. But then I read in a commentary that the reason John is between Part I (Luke) and Part II (Acts) is because Luke ends with Jesus promising the disciples that the Holy Spirit will come on them, and Acts begins with that promise, and then its fulfillment. John, in the middle, goes through Jesus' ministry, with a huge emphasis on the Holy Spirit. I need to know about the Holy Spirit, so here we are. In John.

Today I am reading John 15, which if you are familiar with John, you know is about the vine and the branches. Jesus is the true vine, the Father is the gardener, and we are the branches. Now, here comes my confession. This passage always depresses me. Jesus keeps talking about remaining in Him and how we will produce fruit if we do. Almost without fail, around verse 6 I start to feel really guilty and start to wonder if I'm actually a branch after all, since I don't seem to be producing a ton of fruit. Then it goes on---Jesus is explaining what it looks like to remain in Him (fail)---to follow His commands (fail), namely to love people (fail). That's how I tend to feel at the end: FAIL.

But then, today, a kind of "random" (though, I don't believe in random coincidences) trail of thought led me to Ezekiel 36:26. I wanted to find the verse where God says He will give us a new heart. So, that verse is: "I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh." Then I read the commentary in my Bible on the verse and it pointed out that earlier in Ezekiel, in chapter 11, God had also made this promise of giving us a new heart and spirit. And then, in chapter 18, He had simply said: ³¹ Rid yourselves of all the offenses you have committed, and get a new heart and a new spirit. Why will you die, people of Israel? ³² For I take no pleasure in the death of anyone, declares the Sovereign LORD. Repent and live!" If you just read chapter 18, you would despair. "How can I get a new heart and spirit?????????" But when you read it with the bookend promises of chapter 11 and chapter 36, there is JOY! My Bible's commentary on this was simple, but it hit me in the face (in a great way): "What God requires He provides."

So, back to John 15. It's actually kind of ridiculous that I could even make John 15 about me and my effort. Hello irony! So, this morning, just a little bit---I am starting to understand it. Jesus is the vine. I am a branch. Unless I remain in Him, I can do nothing. I cannot even remain in Him without His help! At this point, my brain starts to melt a little bit---kind of like "which came first? the chicken or the egg?", but really, who cares? All I know, and I suppose all I need to know, is that I HAVE to depend on Jesus for EVERYTHING. Even my dependence on Him. Are you confused? Maybe...well, the Holy Spirit can help you too. This is good news. It is finished. He has done it. And for the rest of this life, I will work out my salvation with fear and trembling; for it is God who works in me to will and to act according to His good purpose (Philippians 2:12-13).

Our Sweet Mamas

We just want to say that we love these ladies! They have loved us more than we can ever say, and more than we will ever know, and we are grateful to God for letting us be their kids. We love you Mama Adams and Mama Wase! Happy Mothers' Day 2011!

Several Thousand Word-Pictures

These are from Grandma & Grandpa Cheek's (mom's parents) house. We gladly took ownership of them when they were looking for a new home. Aren't they just the cheeriest pots ever? They make me smile because they remind me of sitting in G & G Cheek's kitchen on a Sunday while lunch is cooking and the house is full of aunts and uncles and grandkids and puppies.

Across the street from our friends, the Groff's, house. So thankful that they weren't home when the tornado came through their neighborhood about a month ago, and so thankful that their house was mostly spared damage.

I got to babysit Silas a month or so ago. I love this bib. We love Silas! So glad we get to be around for his baby-ness!

Casey has been telling me "We need to get me an exercise ball" for approximately nine months of marriage, and I have been telling him "Well, I'm totally fine if you wanna go to Walmart and buy it" because I hate going to Walmart. We finally broke down and went to Walmart at like ten o'clock and while there met a guy who introduced himself by saying to Casey "Hey man, wow, you're really tall! I bet you play a lot of ball. Did you play college ball? High School?" Yeah...

Casey spilled an entire cup of ice water on a bag that was holding all of our wedding cards, which I'm holding onto for sentimental reasons. If you're not sentimental, stop ridiculing me in your mind right now. I will scrapbook these. But, they needed drying, so we set them over our entire living room, and then had a pick-up competition last night. Casey won, 57-54.

Cinco de Mayo! (which I found out yesterday, is not as big in Mexico as in the US. Ironic? I think so.)

My two cents

Well, I will say that I'm at least relieved to see that I am now not the only person questioning yesterday's (literal) jubilation in the streets. Though, what I find most frightening is that the first place I even saw a question about whether the rejoicing was appropriate was the ever-liberal CNN. I spent most of yesterday heavy-hearted and dumbfounded, honestly, by America's response to Osama Bin Laden's death. Around 11 am or so I headed over to WRAL's website, which I usually check in the morning to catch up on current happenings. Obviously, pretty much the entire page was devoted to Osama's death. And I just could not make sense of all of the headlines. There was rejoicing. There were parades in the streets, flags flying, chants of "U-S-A!", and star-spangled-banner's being sung. I was horrified. How can we be so overjoyed with DEATH. Four people died. And we are throwing a party. Yes, OF COURSE, I know who this man was. I know what he did. And there are countless sins he committed that only the Lord knows. And, yes, I love justice. I love it, and you love it, because we are made in God's image and God loves justice. I have great HOPE because God is a God of justice, and I know that all things, including the thousands killed on 9/11, will be avenged. But I also know how guilty I am. Or was, before I exchanged my guilt with Jesus' righteousness. I know that God's wrath was poured out on Jesus, so that I did NOT have to spend eternity without Him. And God's wrath was poured out on Jesus, so that Osama Bin Laden did not have to spend eternity without Him either, if he would have only believed. But he didn't. Unless by some miracle, his heart was changed, he is in hell now. Forever. Along with the other three who were killed alongside him. How can we rejoice in that? How can we be so callous as to rejoice in another human being "rotting in hell" (as some of the headlines cheered) forever? Who are we? We are no one. We deserve hell just as much as Osama Bin Laden. I, for one, refuse to be glad. I will be relieved---that the search for him is over, that some sense of justice has been served here. But I will not throw a party. I will mourn for the souls who died apart from God forever.

Nostalgia

I've been listening to music this morning that brings me straight back to E.A. "Take me to your heart" by some poppy UK group was always blaring in the school cafeteria. I would LOOOVE to walk in there, order some fanqie ji dan chao fan. Oh. yes. I might even grab a vanilla coke to wash it down.

Then I listened to some Colbie Callait and all I could picture was me and LeeAnn sitting in Chicago Coffee, singing the chorus of "Oxygen". "Oh ba-aby if I was your lady, I would make you ha-apy..."

Now I'm listeninig to Need to Breathe's "More Time" and I'm remembering sitting out on our enclosed patio doing homework, the sun shining in. Maybe someone a couple floors up just dropped some sort of liquid out their window that came crashing down on our patio roof, and a little leaked through the roof onto me. "What the?!"

I used to listen to my ipod when I was walking or riding the bus somewhere alone. A classic listen was "Bleeding Love" because you are just JAMMING "But I don't care what they say, I'm in love with you!" in your head...sometimes out loud, because you are in a foreign country and you're already a weirdo, so why not sing out loud and bob your head a little? Sometimes in a city of 6 million it was nice to tune out all the other noise and release a little frustration.

I guess I kind of miss E.A. today. Oh man..."Apologize" just came on. Classic E.A. jam. Remember when Kris Allen sang "Apologize" on American Idol?? And it sucked. I loved American Idol just for that year because we all watched it together. I don't care what Casey says about how terrible it was. Oh E.A...

It has been WAY too long since we blogged, so here goes: What have we been up to?

1. Prayer team- when Casey and I first got plugged into our church as Mr. & Mrs., we took some good marriage advice we'd heard to serve together at least for the first year. I think we are both people who are motivated by need, and there was a need in the kids' ministry, so we went to our volunteer meeting, got our Summit Kids t-shirts and nametags, filled out our volunteer app, and jumped in. When I say we jumped in, I mean we told the people in charge that we had very little kid experience, and we wouldn't mind being the "security", which meant we sat in the corners each week during one of the services making sure no one sketch was lurking around the kiddies. The most action that usually occurred was us directing someone to the bathroom, or making sure teachers taking kids to the bathroom had passed the criminal background check.

So...fast forward to sometime early this year---Casey had been wanting to be involved in prayer at our campus (northraleigh.summitrdu.com) and what do you know, a prayer team got started. He immediately got involved. I was still sitting in the corner for security, kind of hoping I could serve somewhere else soon, but not sure prayer team was the place. Well, about a week into prayer team existing, the leader of the prayer team was asked to be a campus pastor at a new campus of our church...hm...so, long story short, Casey is now leading the team with a group of guys and girls, including me (I finally gave in because I decided fear of praying with other people is not a legitimate excuse for not praying with other people---God, help me). It's been pretty exciting to see the prayers God is already answering for revival in our church. There's some cool stuff happening in this little group of faithful pray-ers.

2. Coupons- I bought $36.00 worth of groceries last week for $0.52 of sales tax. My favorite free thing was Honey Bunches of Oats Raisin Medley. I've decided that free cereal tastes at least twice as good as cereal you pay for.

3. March Sadness- Casey is in mourning over the Tarheels losing Sunday. I'm still excited 'cause I'm pulling for VCU all the way! (in spite of the fact that their mascot is a ram, which I'm not too fond of) Added bonus* I hear their coach has been contacted as a possible State coach option. So far, I'm pretty happy with that idea.

4. Pollen- we kept waking up with headaches, and constantly being thirsty and snotty and congested and whatever other symptoms you can have with allergies. I broke down and bought two different kinds of allergy medicine to cover every phase of allergy season. Our apartment is surrounded by pine trees full of those that nasty yellowness. It's a scary time.

5. Small group- our church is, one, pretty big numbers-wise, and two, pretty emphatic on really being part of a community, so we have small groups. Casey and I were in one for a few months, but we were all heading in different directions, so we amicably parted ways at the end of the year. Since then, we've tried out a couple new groups, and we think we have found the one. We'd been wanting an intergenerational group with couples and singles, and this fits the bill. Plus, we are really enjoying getting to know the people in the group. It's really sweet to be part of group that loves God, spends time in the word together seeking to know Jesus more, and is about praying for and serving each other. We're excited to see where we go from here.

My wife, in the words of King Lemuel

Proverbs 31:26

She opens her mouth with wisdom,
    and loving instruction is on her tongue.

Men, you do well to find a woman who loves the truth & is willing to wound you with it in love.  Cristina is like a sounding board to me; countless times I've been stressed or just plain foolish and Cristina has gently spoken truth from God's word that redirects me.  Wonderful listener--listening may even be her spiritual gift.  Love this girl and the woman God's molding her to be.  Cristina and I were engaged one year ago Monday:

You know that analogy about drinking from a fire hydrant? People use it a lot with some sort of training or maybe a sermon---like, "today's sermon will be a little like trying to drink water from a fire hydrant." I think that is happening to me this morning. I got up like normal, about 15 minutes after my alarm had gone off for the last time. I made coffee, drank some water, ironed Casey's shirt, ate some breakfast, drank some more water, peed about 10 times because my bladder is the size of a pea, finally sat down with my coffee and half a cookie leftover from work last night, prayed and wrote in my journal some, told Jesus I'd really like to get to know Him, and decided the Word would be a good place to go.

I'm reading Luke right now. I thought about reading one of Paul's letters because those are usually pretty good, and I've been reading a lot of Old Testament lately, so I thought I'd read some New to change it up a little. Then I remembered how I had just prayed (a few weeks ago) that I would get to know Jesus better---and it just made sense to go to the source---obviously Jesus is throughout the entire Bible, but the Gospels are kind of up close and personal. Not just ideas about Jesus, but Jesus Himself. Man, I just about can't type fast enough to get all these thoughts and excitement out. I am just seeing as I'm writing that these past few weeks God has been doing something big!

Okay, focus---so, this morning I picked up in Luke 6. I should mention here that at church this past Sunday the sermon was on Mark 8 (v. 31 through the end)---“34Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me. ³⁵ For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me and for the gospel will save it. ³⁶ What good is it for someone to gain the whole world, yet forfeit their soul? ³⁷ Or what can anyone give in exchange for their soul?" This sermon was really good, really weighty, but also really frustrating for me. It felt unfinished at the end. There was some tension. And I think it's because God had more to say to me on it. It was really just the middle of the conversation. Yesterday I postponed reading Luke to re-read that section of Mark. Same feeling---good, weighty, frustrating, unfinished.

Okay, so back to this morning, Luke 6. About halfway through the chapter, Jesus prays all night and the next morning calls his disciples together and calls 12 of them to be his apostles. Then, he starts what is known as the sermon on the mount. He starts telling his disciples the difference between a disciple and an unbeliever. Basically, you could sum it up by thinking of everything you'd normally think about success and joy and your enemies and life, and then whatever the opposite is, that's what is actually true and required (and enjoyed by) of Jesus' disciples. You are supposed to love your enemies; you are not supposed to judge; you are supposed to gladly give away what 'belongs to you'--even when the person takes it without your permission; you will be hated by the world; you will be hungry; you will have sorrow. Because your reward is in Jesus. Your reward is in the God of the entire universe. These are light and momentary afflictions. Jesus said "What good is it for someone to gain the whole world, and yet forfeit his soul?" (Mark 8:36) This is so counter-cultural. This is so counter-me. Ouch.

Then Jesus says something that broke me. "'Why do you call me, 'Lord, Lord,' and do not do what I say? I will show you what he is like who comes to me and hears my words and puts them into practice. He is like a man building a house , who dug down deep and laid the foundation on rock. When a flood came, the torrent struck the house but could not shake it, because it was well built. But the one who hears my words and does not put them into practice is like a man who built a house on the ground without a foundation. The moment the torrent struck that house, it collapsed and its destruction was complete." (Luke 6:46-49) This is me. Not the first one, the second one. Day after day, I read the Word, I "want to" do the things Jesus says and does, and, usually, I just go on with my day unchanged. I am like the man in James who looks in the mirror at my face, walks away, and immediately forgets what I look like. Absurd. And not discipleship.

I felt compelled to go pick up a book I got at a discipleship training kind of weekend in the 'Boro back in the fall. I picked up The Complete Book of Discipleship and started reading. There is an extended quote from Dietrich Bonhoeffer's Cost of Discipleship (which, I will note, was also recommended in the sermon Sunday):

"Discipleship means adherence to Christ, and, because Christ is the object of that adherence, it must take the form of discipleship. An abstract Christology, a doctrinal system, a general religious knowledge on the subject of grace or on the forgiveness of sins, render discipleship superfluous, and in fact they positively exclude any idea of discipleship whatever, and are essentially inimical to the whole conception of following Christ. With an abstract idea it is possible to enter into a relation of formal knowledge, to become enthusiastic about it, and perhaps even to put it into practice; but it can never be followed in personal obedience. Christianity without the living Christ is inevitably Christianity without discipleship, and Christianity without discipleship is always Christianity without Christ."

Wow! Wow!!! This was me. At 7:30 drinking my coffee, this was me. Now, 11:17, and for however long it's been since I read the Word and read over some of this book, that is not me! I have been set free!!! I am a disciple of Christ. I cannot go back. I pray I will not go back. Lord keep me close to You. Please pray with me, for me, and I will pray for you---Jesus lead us, teach us, disciple us. May we never again fall into the trap, believing the lie that we could somehow be "Christians" without being your disciples. Jesus, show us what it looks like to follow You. You want us to. Amen.

I think, after reading this, you will either be really confused, or you will be like "Yeah! Me too!" This is just one of those things that is so groundbreaking to me, so potentially life-changing---to not share it, I think, would be disobedience. Or, at least, a bad idea. Really, the greatest part of this is God loves me! He didn't want me stuck where I was. He wants me to be a disciple of Jesus. To really live that. To actually understand what it means to 'take up my cross and follow Jesus.' He is so visibly making strides to show me this, to teach me what He wants. I love it! Everywhere I turn now, He is telling me. The sermon at church. The Word in the my morning time with Him. This book on discipleship that I got like 6 months ago. CNN (no kidding, I went to read an article on the belief blog, which led me to go check out the Mars Hill Church blog, which led me to watch a clip that "happened" to be on the front page from a sermon called "The Cost of Discipleship." It was pretty much word for word what I'd already heard from the sermon, the Word, and the book. AMAZING.) God knows that I love this kind of thing---where He bombards me with the same message in 50 different places. "What's next Papa?" (see Romans 8:15-17, The Message)

Karen Cheek Teague

Tomorrow, at 4:00 PM, my family -- the Cheek side, to be specific,
will gather together to remember my Aunt Karen, who we lost sometime overnight on Wednesday. At times like this, you tend to look back over your memories with that person and you probably wish that you had more time together, more happy memories to linger over. Of course, I have memories of my Aunt Karen at all the family gatherings---holidays, birthdays, cookouts, weddings. But I have just a few distinct memories of her in the short 25 years I knew her.

One is largely embedded in my mind thanks to a camcorder that my parents got when Danielle and I were little. It's Christmas Day, and all the kids have been sent to play in the living room, while all the adults fight over space in the kitchen. There's some Christmas music playing, "Jingle Bell Rock" to be exact, and in walks Aunt Karen. She's decked out in Christmas attire--I think even some jingle bell earrings--and she's dancing to the song with the kiddos. That's a good memory.

I also remember loving Aunt Karen's Christmas and birthday gifts. She always had a little treasure to impart to us as little girls---two of my favorites were a handheld mirror that looks like a flower, and a birthday party teddy bear, who was my only stuffed animal to ever have a birthday party complete with Easy Bake Oven cake. That's a good memory.

The last memory might be my favorite. When I was in middle school, I think, Aunt Karen and Uncle Mike had a cookout of sorts at their home. They were living out in the country then--I can't remember where exactly. At the time lots of their neighbors were Latino and the party was appropriately Latin-themed. That was my first taste of Spanish rice. My first time listening to Spanish music on the radio. Come to think of it, probably my first interaction with anyone who was Latino. I think I love this memory because it exemplifies that she loved people. She loved her family. She loved her neighbors. That's a good memory.

It is difficult to even say the word death. It took me a couple minutes before I could make myself type that sentence. It's like writing it gives some sort of finality to it. I realized yesterday morning, as I was taking in the phone call mom had just made to tell me the news, that I often use the word too carelessly. I don't realize its weight. In reality it is a terrible, heavy, soul-wrenching word. It carries so much emotion. On my drive to work, I listened to Page CXVI sing "In Christ Alone", which is one of my favorite hymns. I've been listening to this song on repeat for the last week or so for whatever reason, and it has been a sweet week of hearing them sing the Gospel to me on my drives to and from work. Yesterday morning I found it especially sweet, but also much weightier than I remembered. The song is about Christ's love for us---how He came here, lived perfectly the messed-up human life that we endure, and died, though he was innocent, for all the ways we fall short...wait, stop here. He died? Jesus died. He breathed his last, his friends grieved, his mother's heart broke, he died. That is weighty. This is where the hymn gets really good:

"There in the ground his body lay
Light of the World by darkness slain
Then bursting forth in glorious day
Up from the grave He rose again!

And as He stands in victory
Sin's curse has lost its grip on me
For I am His, and He is mine
Bought with the precious blood of Christ!"

I mean, does your heart not swell to hear those words!? That is the good news! "Where, O death, is your victory? Where, O death, is your sting?"(1 Corinthians 15:55) Page CXVI's version of this hymn ends so well with this refrain:

"No guilt in life,
No fear in death,
From life's first cry
To final breath."

A Day with Jesus

An AWESOME video from some friends working at Youth for Christ back home in Rox.  This is great.  (To see fullscreen, watch it here.)

I'm confused...

...My birthday came and went and I still don't have one of these...?

A Note On Praying Worthwhile Prayers

from Sun Stand Still, p. 153 "Prayer is the arena where our faith meets God's abilities. And there is never going to be a moment when the audacity of our faith surpasses God's capacity to respond. That's why timid prayers are a waste of time. Is it really worthy of God to ask him for a good day as our main point of conversation with him every morning? Or to ask him to make our jobs more tolerable? You and I are called to pray beyond that. Not just that God would give us a good day, but that he would show us his greatness throughout the day. Not just that we will find the strength to tolerate our work, but that we will find a purpose that can drive us to excel in our jobs for his glory."

With that in mind, I'm praying for me and Casey both to see His greatness every moment of today, and I'm asking that we both will find purpose in our jobs that drives us to excel in them for God's glory. He is able. And faithful. Let it be.