The time for obedience is Now, not Then

I love my church, East Rock Community.  One thing I love about our people and our leadership is the commitment to be real with one another.  Though my prayer is that we will go far deeper in this commitment, I'm encouraged that we're headed in the right direction.  One way God is using us to cultivate an atmosphere of authenticity in our weekly gathering is with an open time of sharing & encouragement.  During this time, anyone can stand or speak up to share a need for prayer, to confess sin, or to share how they've witnessed God working in their life over the past week.  I love this time, particularly because it gives freedom to the Spirit in prompting anyone to speak, and it provides opportunities for us to encourage one another or lay hands on another in prayer (nothing breaks me more than seeing a crowd of people gathering around another to support him or her in prayer!).  I love this time also because it reminds me that God is real, and regardless of how blind I may have been to see Him work in my own life over the past week, I'm always encouraged to hear how He's working in the life of a brother or sister.

Many times I've stood myself and testified of God's obvious power in my life over the past week, and I've been tremendously blessed to see how that testimony blesses another.  But last night (our church's weekly gathering is on Sunday evening), I balked out of fear, and my hesitance to share hindered another from being blessed by the confession I felt prompted to make public.  Oddly enough, my confession was to be one of fearing what people think of me.  My legs were tensed to stand, my Bible open, and yet my wicked heart restrained me to my seat in the pew, and my mouth remained closed.  We began to sing, the song of which I forget, though I remember lyrics along the lines of "surrendering everything to follow Jesus."  I felt I was singing a lie, and that started tearing me up.  My adversary continued to wail on me, telling me I would never change, telling me I'd missed that opportunity and so now would never be healed, telling me I was unworthy to sing before my King.

In part, he was right.

"Unworthy to sing before King Jesus" was God's honest truth, spoken by a devil.  But he was only half right, and half victorious.  For in the subsequent battle, God's Spirit told me that yes, I had been disobedient.  Yes, I had missed a great opportunity to make my need known to His people, missing an opportunity for any of them to respond with prayer or encouragement.  Yes, my disobedience does warrant condemnation, & does warrant being cast out of the presence of a holy sinless God Almighty.  "But God..."

But God in His Spirit revealed a precious truth.  I had been disobedient then, but His power still resided in me, sealed by the blood of Jesus dying in my place for my sins, and there was NOW a new opportunity for obedience.  I had made the wrong choice 30 seconds ago, but a new choice was being presented to me NOW.  As much as I wanted to change what happened THEN, His refrain was "today is the day of salvation."  And so in my "today," in that "now", by His power I chose obedience, and I pursued my pastor at the front of the building to ask for his prayer.  And in that moment, there was victory, and I was able to forget myself for the rest of the evening, lost in the precious grace of my Savior.

 

Oddly enough, we opened the Word to Mark 14.  Peter, James, & John, Jesus' closest friends, fell away and fell asleep, deserting Him in His painful hour praying in Gethsemane.  But Jesus went to the cross for them still. He knew beforehand that they would fall away and even told them that, and yet He stilll went to the cross for them.  Later on, however, they "got it", and they chose rightly to obey.  I hear the enemy's lies all the time, and he often likes to take an obvious failure of mine and remind me of it over and over again till I feel sick. satan may be beating you up now over something you've done 10 years or 10 seconds ago, but the truth is that now is the acceptable time to obey, and now God's power is available to you and me, purchased by Jesus' blood (2 Corinthians 6:2)

Not to us, O LORD, not to us, But to Your name give glory...(Psalm 115:1)

The pic is me and Sis at the Jack Johnson concert August 12th, 2008---just a couple of days before I headed out for a year of STINT (Short Term International) with Cru. I'm smiling here. Partly because I love hanging out with my sister. Partly because we're at a Jack Johnson concert and he draws an interesting array of ages/subcultures. And, I'm betting a lot of that smile also has to do with relief. Relief that I had finally reached the 100% mark for support-raising, and had packed my bags (well...I had started anyway), and I was boarding a plane in a few days.

I don't really like to think back to that summer too much, because, to be honest, a lot of it SUCKED. I had just graduated from college, aka, the spend-24-7-with-all-your-best-buds-stay-up-late-to-go-to-Cookout-for-a-milkshake-and-feel-totally-rested-the-next-morning-constant-hangout-that-I'd-called-life-for-four-years. And that is depressing enough when you are 22. Not only did I graduate, but I left Raleigh, where ALL (seemingly, anyway) of my friends still lived; where my church for the last three years was; where there were malls in every direction; where people were actually at Cookout if you decided to go at 3 A.M. Then, on top my post-college-letdown, add in the fact that I was leaving the country for a year in August, and would have to do this whole starting life over thing again. Then, remember that, as part of that whole leaving the country thing, you have to raise $1000's of dollars. My heart is beating faster. Is yours?

So, today, I was going through some books and such, and I came across my journal from that summer. Most of it, honestly, is me crying, or talking about crying, or wondering when I'm gonna stop crying...I feel bad for the girl, but I'm also like "C'mon already! Look up!" So, on Wednesday, July 23rd, a couple weeks before I was supposed to leave for E.A., and only 1 week and 1 day until I was supposed to have raised 100% of my support, here's what I wrote:

"Well, I was feeling good & light until last night in the bed [Support] Coach...called & said how I had 8 days left. That # & the number I still have left---between 13 & 14,000---to raise---caused some panic, but I want to still trust God. God I know You are able to do it all tonight if You want. I pray for You to work & for me to trust. Wisdom in what to say. Who to talk to next. Joy."

The next day, I wrote:

"7 days & $10,000 to go---it's how I'm measuring time---like all else has ceased to exist until we reach $0 to raise. But I will say the last few days have seen a good bit of $, all thanks to You Lord. I'm frustrated b/c I feel like I'm ignoring You God, for this $ & I don't quite know how to change, except to get in Your Word. Help me think on You more than this $."

So, then, apparently I read 2 Samuel 4-7 right after praying, and here's the thoughts I recorded on it:

"You have put David (from nothing) as king over Israel. So, David wants to build You a house---instead, You say "No, David I'm gonna build YOU a house."

I don't even think I connected the two when I was writing it, but looking back now it's clear as day!!! The point of that summer, and my continual failure as I depended on myself to raise the money, was to show God faithful, and myself utterly dependent on Him for life and breath and everything! I wanted so badly to build God a "house" of money that summer. 'Look God, see all the money I raised for You?' But God, thankfully, would not let me. He said 'No, Cristina, I'm gonna build YOU a house.' Oh the depth of the riches of the wisdom and knowledge of God!

Six days later, Wednesday, July 30th, 2008:

"Well God, You have accomplished it. I'm not sure exactly the number we're at, but support is pretty much almost done. That is crazy---well, I guess it's really not---it's just ya know my faith is this big and YOU ARE TOO BIG TO EXPRESS."

On campus in E.A. Peace!