I Want to Be Ready

I have this recurring nightmare. In the nightmare, I am getting married - only, everything is going wrong. For some reason, no one is ready for the wedding. The flowers aren't ready. The dress doesn't fit. The guests don't know when to come. Everything is being thrown together at the last minute. Everything is halfway done. Nothing is quite right. We finally get to the church, late, of course. I get hastily dressed into the ugly wedding dress that doesn't fit. I don't have any bridesmaids to help me. When I finally walk down the aisle, it's the wrong guy. I feel very anxious about marrying him. I want someone to come and rescue me from this huge mistake I'm about to make, but no one comes.

This dream made more sense to me before I actually got married, to the right guy, with the beautiful dress, the gorgeous flowers, the sweet friends around me, the guests filling the pews, the vow between me, Casey, and God to do this thing for life. So, when I kept having the dream, even after July 24th, 2010, it really perplexed me. And made Casey laugh. I mean, how silly is it to be anxious about something that's:already happened! If I'm gonna be anxious, it should probably be about something that hasn't yet happened, right?

So, last night with our church family, we looked at a parable that Jesus told in Matthew 25:1-13

"At that time the kingdom of heaven will be like ten virgins who took their lamps and went out to meet the bridegroom. five of them were foolish and five were wise. The foolish ones took their lamps but did not take any oil with them. the wise, however, took oil in jars along with their lamps. the bridegroom was a long time in coming, and they all became drowsy and fell asleep. 

At midnight the cry rang out: 'Here's the bridegroom! Come out to meet him!'

Then all the virgins woke up and trimmed their lamps. the foolish ones said to the wise, 'Give us some of your oil; our lamps are going out.'

'No,' they replied, 'there may not be enough for both us and you. Instead, go to those who sell oil and buy some for yourselves.'

But while they were on their way to buy the oil, the bridegroom arrived. The virgins who were ready went in with him to the wedding banquet. And the door was shut. 

Later the others also came. 'Sir! Sir!' they said. 'Open the door for us!'

But he replied, 'I tell you the truth, I dont' know you.'

Therefore, keep watch, because you do not know the day or the hour."

As we read this, my recurring nightmare came to mind. And I wondered if maybe I've had this dream over and over just for sake of illustrating this parable. Just so I would know the anxiety, the dread, the utter helplessness felt for those who are not ready for the Bridegroom's coming. Lord, I want to be ready! I want to be watchful. I want to be longing for my Bridegroom's return, knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt, that He. Is. Coming.

"Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me. In my Father's house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am. You know the way to the place where I am going...I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me." (John 14:1-4, 6)

I was buying a couple last-minute Christmas gifts at Wal-mart, pretty excited that I'd just found a short line, and then annoyed that it was still taking a long time for the one person in front of me to check out . I looked up at the tv in the nail salon and saw the red "breaking news" graphic. I read the information on the screen - "27 dead at elementary school in CT," and I thought, "Oh, this must be an old story they're talking about." But then I couldn't recall any shootings having been in Connecticut, and I realized that this was live. Real. Happening right now. "No! No...no." Waves of sickness and grief flooded over me. "Why? Freaking why? Why is this happening..again??? How are these parents gonna cope? Why all these children? Jesus!"

The person in front of me left, and the cashier asked "How are you?" and I didn't know what to say. I wanted to connect with someone, talk about how horrible this was. And then the lady behind me started putting her stuff on the conveyor belt. The nerve. And not just putting it up there, but bumping into me while she did it. And then...oh...then, she rolled her cart into me. Dilemma. I'm both sickened by this one man's sin, and fuming at this woman behind me for...what? For daring to enter my personal space? Rushing me?  Now, I was feeling sickened by my own sin. Well, that's not pretty...stuff that down, smile at the cashier as you thank her for your receipt, and walk to your car.

My sister texted me, "just heard about ct :(" as I was walking out, tears welling up in my eyes thinking about those kids, and those parents. With the text, the dam broke. The Salvation Army bell-ringer told me to have a merry Christmas and I couldn't even get a response out. Turned on the radio to listen to the details...if I keep listening to the details being repeated, maybe it will make sense. Tears streaming. The traffic coming into the parking lot was heavy and I'd parked right there at the entrance. There's  a stop sign for incoming traffic that no one ever regards, including me. But I'm in my car yelling at them "There's  a stop sign!!" Just as I yelled, a guy let me pull out in front of him. Conviction...again, here I am, angered by this shooter's horrendous sin, and in that same instant, guilty myself.

We are not good. We aren't. If we're honest, we'll all admit that. Just look at the first line of the story on CNN:

"In one of the deadliest school shootings in U.S. history, a gunman opened fire Friday in a Connecticut elementary school, killing nearly 30 people -- most of them children, a law enforcement official receiving information from the scene told CNN (emphasis mine)."

This has happened over and over and over and over and over. This is just "one of the deadliest." Things are not getting better. We are not getting better!


"The fool says in his heart, 'There is no God.'
They are corrupt, their deeds are vile;
there is no one who does good.
the LORD looks down from heaven on the sons of men
to see if there are any who understand,
any who seek God.
All have turned aside,
they have together become corrupt;
there is no one who does good, not even one.
Will evildoers never learn -
those who devour my people as men eat bread
and who do not call on the LORD?
There they are, overwhelmed with dread,
for God is present in the company of the righteous.
You evildoers frustrate the plans of the poor,
but the LORD is their refuge.
Oh, that salvation for Israel would come out of Zion!
When the LORD restores the fortunes of his people,
let Jacob rejoice and Israel be glad!"

Just when you think you aren't that bad, your own heart reminds that you are guilty, just like everyone else. We need a Savior! I need a Savior! "Oh that salvation for Israel would come out of Zion!" And, thank God! Thank God it has! "...and you are to give Him the Name Jesus, because He will save His people from their sins (Matthew 1:21)." Only trust Him. "There is now therefore no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life has set me free from the law of sin and death. For what the law was powerless to do in that it was weakened by the sinful nature, God did by sending His own Son in the likeness of sinful man to be a sin offering, in order that the righteous requirements of the law might be fully met in us, who do not live according to the sinful nature but according to the Spirit (Romans 8:1-2)."

This fall, Casey and I, along with our two friends Steve & Marcus, got to start a class for the sixth graders at church on Wednesday nights. We call it "The Bridge". Our hope is that the class will not only bridge the gap between childhood and adulthood, but most importantly, that the class will introduce them to The Bridge [to the Father], Christ Jesus.

None of the four of us have a ton of experience working with kids...excuse me, young adults...so we've been learning a lot. Last night, I think we learned several crucial lessons.

Lesson #1: Don't send one young adult into the classroom holding two bags of candy without also sending two bodyguards to accompany him. He will be mauled.

Lesson #2: If you buy candy for your class, only buy enough for them to each have a couple pieces. Buying two bags means they will eat two bags. Even if that means they each eat 10 pieces of candy, thus darkening any favorable light their parents would have previously seen you in, once their children come home so hyped up on sugar that they won't go to bed, and they keep repeating the names of the teachers who so generously gave them TWO BAGS OF CANDY.

Lesson #3: If you must get the class to answer questions by bribing them with candy, you should also follow up the giving-out-of-candy with the instruction that all who eat the candy during class will forfeit that candy, and all chances at earning any more candy. Or else, you will hear the ripping of candy packages, the getting up-and-down to throw trash away, and the whining for more candy from anyone has still has it in their hands the entire class.

With these lessons in mind, we charge forward, ready to love some kids and share some Gospel and praise some Jesus...just with a little less candy involved.

The answer to yesterday's question:

Yes, it's wrong. Sitting on the edge of the pool, afraid to jump in, is not okay. When God says get in the pool, you get in the pool. Doesn't matter if you don't know what temperature it is, or even if you don't know how to swim. Trust Him. The end.

For more on this conclusion, go watch the sermon, "Treasure & Trust", about God calling Abraham, and blessing him to be a blessing to others. Also, if you can endure horrendously cheesy powerpoint presentations, overlooking them for a time, to enjoy a song and lyrics, you can listen to the Dave Barnes (are you reading this Melissa!? Proud?) song "Close your eyes", which I think pretty much encapsulates the current struggle.

My Life.

I've never been the kind of person who jumps full-speed-ahead into the pool, no matter how hot it is outside. And people keep trying to convince me that it's the best way to go. "Your body will adjust...after the initial shock...It really won't feel that bad..." But that's not me. Me - I dip a toe in, then a few toes. I sit down on the edge of the pool, put my feet in, one at a time. Gradually...scoot into the pool...little bit by little bit. You know what? I probably won't make it in to my waist before you jump in, swim around, get out, and dry off. Is that wrong? Question of the day.

I believe, Lord, help my unbelief!

Last night we got the chance to go fellowship with a church family in a different part of the county, where our pastor and our band are leading services for a few days.

The sermon was a good word from Luke 24 about having high expectations of what God will do, because He's called us to do big things for Him, and He's given us big power through the Holy Spirit to accomplish that work. It was exactly what Casey & I both agreed we needed to hear, which is cool, because we had decided we couldn't go last night. We had too many things to do. But, by the end of a cold and dreary day, I was needing some encouragement big-time, and God told Casey we should go, before I ever told him I was feeling down. Isn't that cool how He works? He also told him to get me some flowers at lunchtime to cheer me up. They did. Sweet boy. I digress...

So, good sermon, like I said. But the real heart surgery was before we ever got to the sermon. We arrived to the service as they were singing together. One of the songs was "I Surrender All". And, I thought, "Really? You just won't let this go!" I mean, really, I just cannot escape what I first wrote about one week ago. The reality that God can and does demand my all. That He can take things from me. That He has a good plan. But it might hurt. I didn't want to sing the song. I don't want to surrender all. But Andrew (leading the music) said something about saying this as a declaration, and I did. It was a declaration that I will fight against my flesh that does not want to surrender, and I will acknowledge with my lips that it IS good to surrender to Jesus.

After the song, Andrew was talking about his guitar---how it has this little broken place on it that needs to be fixed, but how he's unwilling to surrender it into the hands of someone who can fix it, because he's afraid they'll mess it up. He asked, though, what if that person would not only repair it, but also give him new strings and add some other things that would make it work even better than it already does? This is where my attention was caught. He then said something which I wish I had word-for-word, because it was like a flash-of-light-I-finally-get-it moment for me, but it was something to this effect, "I think God is asking me to give things up for the sake of giving them up, but He wants me to give them up so He can fill me with His love and His power."

So, that's it. That's my problem. In this past week, I couldn't imagine that if God were to take away thing x, y, or z, that it would be anything but a painful void. I couldn't imagine that when God creates a void by taking something away, He Will fill that void with His love and His power. He will. Less of me, more of Jesus.

I wish that cleared things up, and that I didn't still have to wrestle with this. But I am (wrestling, that is). Our church is reading the Bible together and we just finished reading the story of Joseph, and now are reading the story of Job. Two men who lost everything. See, I told you God won't let this thing go with me. Everywhere I go, there it is. The good thing about them is I know the end of their stories...I know God was in control every step of the way, and had a good plan that always outwitted the plans of their enemies. If Joseph's brothers meant to kill him, God used it to preserve life for many. If satan meant for Job to end up cursing God because he lost everything, God taught Job how good He is. If God does something in my life that sends me to my knees, or on my face, and the enemy means for me to despair, I must, I must, trust that God is absolutely in control of my life, and has a good plan in it for me. He has not given me a spirit that makes me a slave again to fear, but the Spirit of adoption. I am His daughter. 

Faith without works is dead (another picture-less post)

How many times have you heard the scripture "faith without works is dead"?  I know I've heard it hundreds of times. Maybe thousands. I have nodded my head in agreement. I have "amen"-ed. I have pondered it. I have wrestled with it. I have been confused by it. I have come to understand it. I have been confused by it again.

Sunday night, the East Rock family looked into Romans 2 together. Watch out! You who think you've got things all figured out. You religious. You "guides to the blind". God's judgement is for ALL sinners. The religious and the pagan. His salvation is, indeed, also for ALL sinners, if we will but let his kindness lead us to repentance, thus fulfilling its intention.

During this talk of judgement and the law and faith, that familiar verse from James 2 was referenced: Faith without works is dead. And all of a sudden, like a flash of light, it struck me as the most true and obvious fact in the world. I am always putting my faith in something, whether it be God, money, my husband, myself. And that faith is always followed by actions. If I have faith in money, and my husband says he wants to give away $14.00, my heart beats a little faster, and my mind tries to figure out how much that will set us back on our monthly budget, and my mouth says "Why would you do that?"

I had, all during the previous week, been struggling to understand the tension between salvation being only by grace through faith, and the reality that blessing comes when we obey God. It's not like I thought God should bless me even if do everything in obstinate disobedience to Him (or did I?), but I didn't understand how God could save me and sanctify me freely (on my part), yet demand obedience as part of the deal. I had been asking Him to help me understand this, and He answered that night (and in several other ways prior to that night---thought this seemed to be the turning point, sort of like Jacob's turning point after he wrestled with God all night and got a new name). When I have faith in __________, it Necessarily follows that my thoughts and actions will follow that faith. They just can't do anything otherwise. So, when I have faith in God, my whole self will follow Him totally. I believe Lord, help my unbelief!

This post is ugly

Hi, my name's Cristina, and I'm an idolater. "Of what?", you say? Of anything. Everything.

Here's something I posted yesterday on our "Life Together Group" (church small group) page on facebook:

"God seems to keep telling me in the last couple of days that I've forgotten my first Love. and i have this feeling He intends to strip some things away, so that I will remember that He alone is my portion. But I'm scared of what that means. I want to be free to love and serve only Him...but I'm afraid of the process hurting. I don't want to be paralyzed by fear, but that's where I feel like I am right now. Pray for me?"

This morning I got up, ironed two shirts for Casey, kissed him goodbye. I made my coffee, poured a cup of water, ate my waffle with peanut butter and honey (delish). I wanted to do anything but sit down with God and His Word. I wanted to run away. I wanted to hide somewhere, just like Adam & Eve did in the Scripture Casey and I read last night. Post-sin, they suddenly realized they were naked, and they felt shame. So they hid themselves. I can relate.

I made myself sit down and start reading Genesis. We are reading through the Bible in a year, chronologically, with our church fam. Read my five chapters, read the questions in our book that goes along with our reading, tried to think of some answers...tried to talk to God. "Okay, enough..." Got on facebook. Read something a brother had commented on what I posted yesterday. I didn't like it:

"The whole lost your first love thing is often because we've supplanted God. This question might be rhetorical, but what has stolen your heart? What you love more then Him is probably what he'll strip away. It's especially crazy to know that God is allowed to do that; not just with little things like owning nice gadgets or cars or clothes, but He's also allowed to take away our health and our loved ones and our income security and all our hope in this world. Ugh."

It was too true, and nothing that "tickled my ears", so to speak. Scrolled and scrolled and scrolled. Read a lot of stupid things. Read a few requests for prayer...tried to "throw up" a few prayers...half-heartedly. Went back and re-read that comment that I didn't like. Realized it's futile to ignore a truth about God because I don't like it. Thought about this sheet of questions I got while I was at a mid-year conference during my time in EA. It's called "Gospel Diagnostics".

"Gospel Diagnostics" is a fancy name for "20 ways of asking you the same question, namely, what are you worshiping instead of the One True God?" And, like I said, I'll worship almost anything, if I think it will bring me your security, happiness, distraction, comfort, warm fuzzies, etc. I mean, really...it's ridiculous. You want an example? Wait, I can't give you one, because I worship your opinion of me, and if I tell you what goes on in my mind, I promise you won't like me as much as you used to. At least, that's what I tell myself. But, since God just pointed out to me how absolutely insane it is to care more about what you think than what He thinks, I will share an example.

Saturday night, Casey and I picked up a couple of girls we've gotten to know through church to go to the Warehouse (if you don't know what that is, you should just ask me later to give more detail, but basically it's a big building where kids can hang out and play bball, games, etc. and hear about Jesus). Casey, being the more free spender of our family, was happy to buy them all kinds of snacks and then to treat us all to dinner at Wendy's afterward. Me, the very-much-saver of the family, is adding up how much we're spending the whole time. I know, I know, we were only at Wendy's...how much could we really spend? But, remember, this logic doesn't matter for someone who is a saver. Feeling we'd spent so much that we would now be in debt for the rest of the month, I woke up Sunday morning anxiously thinking about how much we'd spent. We visited a church with our neighbors. As they passed the offering plate, Casey asked if it was okay with me to just put the rest of the cash he had in the plate. Thinking at first that he probably just had a couple dollars, I was like "whatever, sure." But, suddenly, I remembered it was actually $14.00. "Why do you want to do that," I quickly asked him. "Just as a way of saying, 'I trust you, God,'" he said. Stuck in a place where I had to either show my true nature and demand that he not put the money in, or protect my image and pretend to trust God, I begrudgingly said, "Okay, well, do what you feel you should." In that moment, God pricked my heart. Stabbed my heart?... Really? $14.00? I can't trust God for fourteen tiny little dollars??? He owns the cattle on a thousand hills for goodness sake! And the hills too, as Tim Bowes would point out.

You know what? I don't really have a nice conclusion to wrap this all up, except to say, my heart is deceitfully wicked. God, cleanse my heart! I guess this is, really, just a confession of my true nature, and my longing for God to change me mixed with my fear of what that really means, and how bad that surgery might hurt. "I know that nothing good lives in me, that is in my flesh...who will deliver me from this body of death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! There is now therefore no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, for the law of the Spirit of life has set me free from the law of sin and death. For God has done what the law, weakened by the flesh, could not do.By sending His own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh and for sin, He condemned sin in the flesh, in order that, the righteous requirements of the law might be fully met in us who do not walk according to the flesh but according to the Spirit. (see Romans 7 and 8...I totally mixed up translations in here too...who cares...it's a good Word.).

Lord, set me free.

"Evidence, Boy!"

I think a lot. Perhaps too much. I think a lot about everything that's wrong in my life. Definitely too much--because there's so much that's right.  I'm convicted every time I look back at the story of the wandering Israelites--the story of how God delivered a people from slavery in Egypt to become a people for his own possession, a people for him to bless and lead into the Promised Land where they would enjoy serving him rather the heavy-handed Egyptians.  Yet, this group of people never entered the Promised Land, or rather their first generation didn't.  Instead their first generation wandered the desert for 40 years till they all but 2 faithful ones died off.  Why? Because they complained. They complained about missing the meat-pots they ate while slaves in Egypt, discontent with the adventure God was leading them on.  Not believing that there was better in store for them at their destination, better RIGHT IN FRONT OF THEM leading them as a Pillar of Cloud by day and a Pillar of Fire by night--the Holy Presence of Jehovah.

God allowed a whole generation of Israelites to die off because they complained and did not treasure his Grace.  So why am I still here?  What have I missed out on?

God has been even more gracious to me.  "Evidence, boy!", my friend Tim shouts at me often.  He's good to do that.  I have a beautiful wife who loves the God who made her, loves the husband He's given her.  I have a great family.  I have a great church family--men who are like real brothers to me, who love me genuinely and look out for me.  An awesome small group I get the joy of leading. And then there's all those American "essentials"...the ability to brush my teeth everyday, the roof over my head, A/C, two cars, shirts & feckless ties for work 5 days a week.  That's right, I get Saturdays off too.

So as I mope tonight over not having the cable requisite for witnessing Kobe's impending Olympic glory, not having seen Dark Knight Rise yet, not having more money, more charisma, or more time to do some things I want to do (like blog)....well, the Evidence weighs against me and finds me guilty, of complaining. Of blindness to see "Wow my life is great...Really, it is. It's not naivete, this is real."

Romans 8:32 paraphrase, "God who did not even spare His own Son but freely gave Him to us, how will He not also with Him give us all things He's promised?"  The verdict: God is overwhelmingly good to me.  And His presence & approval is all I'll ever need for everlasting satisfaction.  Even if the list above was clipped, His presence would fill up the lack.  None of those blessings are enjoyable apart from Him, but He illumines each one.

God created me to know Him & enjoy Him forever. Wow.

Birds and Flowers

Photo Credit

When Casey & I got engaged, he had been working at the Call Center for about two months & I was unemployed. It's not like we weren't eating or anything, but we weren't exactly rolling in cash either. How exactly we were going to afford furniture for an apartment, let alone a honeymoon, was a mystery to us. 

As time went on, God provided these pieces of the puzzle for us, from places we couldn't have known about if we'd tried to figure it out. A free bedroom set from friends of friends. Free furniture from different family members. The way He kept surprising us like that---it made me a little bolder in my asking. I started asking Him to provide for our honeymoon. And He did. "Whoa! God can do that?"

By the time our wedding day rolled around in late July (side note: Happy 2nd anniversary Casey Ray---plus a week and a day), what had already been a sweet passage of Scripture to us, was now our life. You can actually find the Scripture in two places---Matthew 6, and Luke 12. Birds and flowers. Jesus is like "Look! Look at the birds, and look at the flowers---they don't do  ANYTHING and God feeds them and clothes them...and you are worth so much more than they are!"

Matthew 6:33 says "Seek first His kingdom and His righteousness and all these things will be added to you as well." That's it! That's it?? That's all I have to do?? Just seek God, seek His kingdom, and He already knows what I need and will delight to provide it, as a Father delights to care for his daughter? Yes. That's it.

I love how that verse (in Matthew 6) is followed up in Luke 12. Verse 32 says "Fear not, little flock, it is your Father's good pleasure to give you the kingdom." Wow. (Another side note: if you struggle to understand God as your Father, and you want to hear an amazing sermon on this verse, go look up John Piper's sermon on Luke 12:32 at www.desiringgod.org---for me, it was life-changing.). So, not only do I not have to worry about my Father God providing for my physical needs, but I also don't have to worry about the one thing He's told me to seek (His kingdom) either, because it's His good pleasure to give it to me! Amazing.

God is still Very much teaching (ingraining?) this to us. I would guess, mostly, because we forget it so quickly. We spend over our budget, like we did this month. OVER budget. And we don't know how it's gonna work out, but I hear God whispering to me each time we're faced with a choice to trust Him or hold onto our money more tightly --I hear him telling me to trust Him. That's it---just trust Him. And then I find a $20 bill I had stuck in a journal from college graduation, and a $10 bill in the backseat of my car (I don't normally have cash in my car, so don't ask me for a ride hoping to find some). And then I get paid more than we expected for the month (the extra pay equal to the amount we went over budget). So, I realized this morning that to God we were never "over budget". We were never "in the red". He knew EXACTLY how this would all pan out. And that is why Matthew 6:31-32 says "So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?'or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them."

This is so freeing! God sees the big picture. I don't. I can trust Him as my Father to provide for these needs, and so I am liberated to solely seek His kingdom and His righteousness! Let it be Lord.

Why I love Rap Music

I should say, "Why I love Christan Rap Music", but that is not as catchy a title, is it?

Y'all, it's really simple. I Do like the way rap sounds. I like that when you turn up the base really loud in the car, you can actually feel the beat. I think the ability to talk/sing that fast is amazing. And, if for no other reason, it's what I grew up in---it was what you listened to if you were my age in middle school and high school. But all of that is just part of why I initially started listening to rap. The rest of it is, for a little white, middle-class, straight-A, good citizen, young woman, listening to rap was "rebellious" to me. I knew it baffled my parents. I knew it annoyed people sitting with you at the stoplight when your base was so loud it sounded like your car was gonna fall to pieces right there in the intersection. I knew it would attract attention, and gain approval, from the group of people I wanted to impress at the time. So, I listened to my Luda and 50 Cent and Eminem. It sort of seemed like the only fitting music to listen to as I engaged in all the other stupid things I did during that period of my life.

And then, when I was seventeen, 7 months before I graduated from high school, I met Jesus. As I realized my sin, and my emptiness apart from God, I cried big soul-deep sobs at the altar of the Aberdeen First Baptist Church building, and I called out on Jesus' Name, and asked Him to forgive me, and told Him I wanted to do things His way now. I got up So light, so free, and so convinced that everything in my life was about to change. And it did. Some if it, immediately. Some it, not so immediately. Some of it, God is still working on. I'm thankful for the promise in Philippians 1:6 that He who began a good work in me will bring it to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.

Honestly, I can't remember what I listened to right after I started walking with Jesus. Probably, it was a mix of all the stuff I used to listen to, and a lot of new-to-me music about Jesus. What I do remember is the first time I heard of this guy named Lecrae who raps for Christ. And I was like "This is AWESOME." You know why it's awesome? Because, for me, rap was the soundtrack to all the garbage I used to love. But, God had redeemed it. So, now when I listen to rap that glorifies God, it just screams to me "Redemption!!!" God is a redeemer. He redeems people. He redeems music. Amen.

So, if you're behind me at the stoplight and you hear my car shaking, and you're thinking "Is she...?" Yes, I am!

Shot through the heart (in an awesome way)

This article from The Resurgence couldn't have been any more spot-on for me this morning. It all started when my Loving husband texted me, told me he'd read Proverbs 31 this morning and thought of me. After I stopped laughing (so that I wouldn't cry), I thought about reading the proverb, and then thought better of it because I remembered how awful it makes me feel to read about this super-'wife of noble of character' who apparently never sleeps and laughs at what's to come because she's so awesome that her family will never lack any good thing. 

 All, what I assume is twenty or so, of her children are clothed in royal colors and wake up every morning just to tell her how awesome she is, echoing the words of their father, her husband, and even the townspeople. "Right," I thought, "I'm not reading that." But, glutton for punishment that I am, I opened the thing up, read it, and, just as I knew I would, felt immediate shame and guilt. Ugh. The real kicker? Verse 27:

"She watches over the affairs of her household
    and does not eat the bread of idleness."
 

which, if you read my facebook status yesterday, you know is so not true of me. I feel like all I do sometimes is eat the bread of idleness (aka Bojangles biscuits). 

After reading this lovely, uplifting word (note: I think it's important to point out that, though I obviously didn't see it that way this morning, we know God's Word is always good, because He is always good & never changes, despite my feelings about it at any given moment, and yes, my feelings change moment by moment), I had to drop off a pie at Casey's workplace. Ironically (?), I was dropping off the pie because, though I'd intended to have it ready for him this morning, I'd not gotten around to making it until around nine. So, off I go, and good husband that he is, Casey starts asking if I'm okay. "Fine. I'm fine..." And, as I walk out the door, I mumble, "By the way, I'm Not the Proverbs 31 woman." 

 Of course, he made me come back and explain, and, of course, I had my case ready for why God doesn't like me because I'm lazy and always eating the bread of idleness, yada yada. And he says, "Wait, I have something you need to read." And there's the longest version EVER of why the following article is a good word to me today, and hopefully to you too. Read on.

How to Read the Bible

Ray Ortlund » God Scripture Gospel

There are two ways to read the Bible. We can read it as law and threat, or we can read it as promise and assurance. If we read the Bible as law, every page will feel like God glaring at us: “If you ever . . . .” And since we are all law-breakers at heart, the Bible will crush us. Even the promises will come across as law: “God will bless sinners—well, the ones who deserve it.” If we read the Bible as promise, every page will be hope from God. It will breathe new life into us. Even the commands will be sweetened with grace: “God will bless sinners—yes, sinners who break these laws.”

Which way of reading of the Bible is correct?

The apostle Paul explains: “The law, which came 430 years afterward, does not annul a covenant previously ratified by God, so as to make the promise void. . . . God gave it to Abraham by a promise” (Gal 3:17-18). Here is Paul’s point. If we want to know whether we should read the Bible through the lens of law or promise, we can start reading on page one and see which comes first. And in fact, promise comes first—God’s covenant with Abraham in Genesis 12. The law is a later sidebar, in Exodus 20. The category “promise” is the larger, wraparound framework for everything else. The deepest message of the Bible is the grace of God for sinners. The Bible presents itself this way. The laws and commands and examples and warnings are all there. Let’s revere them. But we can read them with this as our foremost thought: “Jesus obeyed it all. He died for all my failure. And now he is changing my heart. I can read this page of the Bible with hope in his grace.”

I will leave with you the video I've been watching on repeat since yesterday's lunch with the girls. I think the video/song makes sense, only in light of the truth that "The deepest message of the Bible is the grace of God for sinners," because, we ALL KNOW that God is holy and cannot be near sin, but we also know that He so loved the world that He sent His  Son Jesus to the world, to live sinlessly, to die in our place, and to cleanse us from all our sin, so that we could be Near Him. Wow.

Happy Birthday Dad W.!

What do you think we are talking about? These faces are pretty sweet! Happy 57!

All the recent news stories about the US Postal Service and its money troubles have had me thinking a lot about the local post office, and how it probably won't exist that much longer, if all the hype is true. This depresses me.

"Why on earth does that depress you?" you may ask, and you would join a chorus of other people who've asked me the same thing. Well, I'm glad you asked.

See, I grew up in a small town. The local post office, along with a gas station, a car repair shop, and a breakfast & lunch only diner, were all we could boast of. Not even a stop light. Back in the day, we didn't even have the option of home delivery for our mail. Everyone in our town was the same in this one respect -- we all had to drive, or on nice days, walk, to the post office to pick up our mail (and at Christmastime, maybe even a package!). There was no flag to put up for a mailman to pick up mail you needed delivered. You drove to the post office and emptied it into one of the shiny blue metal boxes---the one on the left for mail in town, the one on the right for out-of-town.

Like most of my peers, at eighteen, I left for "the big city" to attend college. I got mail delivered to my dorm, and rarely had need to go to a post office. Then I headed overseas for a year, where mail was marked on the board by our gate, or perhaps some sort of delivery man would drop it off at my door. When I came back home and lived with my parents for a few months, I treasured the routine of picking up the mail from the post office every day. It seemed it was the only thing "normal" in my life anymore.

Now, I'm married, and I live with my husband (Still weird to say sometimes!) in the town where he grew up. If possible, this town is even smaller than my own hometown. Not in actual size, but in the way people know one another. You will find it impossible to go anywhere in this town without running into at least one person you know. And probably at least one relative. I love it, if for no other reason than that it is so wholly different from anything I've ever experienced--to be known wherever I go.

Each morning, before I head into work, I stop by the post office to pick up our mail. I always get there around the same time---a few minutes before nine. The post office doesn't open until 9:00 am, so there's always a line formed by the door, and people talking with each other--about their families, their most recent health woes, what the weather will be this weekend. Almost always, someone holds the door for me, or vice versa, and we smile, and look each other in the eye, and ask how the other is doing. It sounds silly, but this one interaction in the beginning of my day really matters. It makes me feel human, and it makes me realize they are human too. All these people, who have joys and fears and worries and hopes, just like I do. It makes me step outside my own world for a minute, wondering what their life might be like.

So, I don't want the post office to close. I don't want one more human interaction, in an already fast-paced, efficiency-driven world, taken away. I don't want those beautifully weird-looking boxes to sit empty in an eerily-empty buliding--or worse yet-- in the dumpster. I need the post office to be here. You need the post office to be here. For our sanity---to make us slow down, to make us remember that we need each other.

A Horrifying Round of Taboo

From Wikipedia:

"Miner's canary

Canaries were once regularly used in coal mining as an early warning system.[3] Toxic gases such as carbon monoxide, methane or carbon dioxide in the mine would kill the bird before affecting the miners. Because canaries tend to sing much of the time, they would stop singing prior to succumbing to the gas therefore alerting miners to the danger. The use of so called miner's canaries in British mines was phased out in 1987.[4]

Hence, the phrase "canary in a coal mine" is frequently used to refer to a person or thing which serves as an early warning of a coming crisis. By analogy, the term climate canary is used to refer to a species that is affected by an environmental danger prior to other species, thus serving as an early warning system for the other species with regard to the danger."

In the game Taboo, one person has to get the other players to guess the word on a card, without saying a list of related words. In last night's game, someone had the word "canary", which led to a discussion of how the bird used to be sent into a mine to detect deadly gas, before miners entered. Upon hearing this, a piece of my heart died. "WHY would they use the canary???" I cried. "It's so beautiful and yellow and it sings so pretty! Why couldn't they use a mockingbird or something!"

This led us to the conclusion that a book would probably be written about the tragic plight of these mockingbirds.

Then we realized it had, in fact, already been written. So much for my debut novel To Kill a Mockingbird: The Story of How the Canary Escaped from the Mines, & Was Replaced by the Mockingbird.

Hidden Treasure

I have not written a word on here in 35 days. I have thought about it maybe 20 times, but it never seems like the right time. It seems like there is too much to say, so I just don't say anything.

43 days ago I worked my last day before Thanksgiving Break. 41 days ago I ate turkey and dressing and dessert til my stomach hurt. 37 days ago I learned my boss was in the ICU. 35 days ago I put up the Christmas tree. 20 days ago I worked my last day before Christmas break (thankful for the timing). 15 days ago I got a phone call relaying the news that my boss was now face-to-face with Jesus in heaven. 11 days ago I celebrated Christmas with my family. 3 days ago a new year started.

My head, it spins. And, that, my friends, is why I still have each and every Christmas decoration still in its spot. That is why I don't want to pack the tree away. Move on. As if I've actually engaged in the season. In the Advent...the waiting...the longing for Messiah to come. Yeah, I put up the tree. I even turned on the lights. Every chance I could get, in fact. But my heart and my mind---I turned them off. I "got through it". I can look at the calendar, and tell you, by the numbers, what I've done with my life over the last month. But it's surreal---I know I did these things, but I can't quite feel them, if that even makes sense.

This morning I read a friend's blog. I think she is one of the most honest people I Know...I enjoy reading her blog as she processes her thoughts. This is what she said:

"I need to safe guard the important things and when things get stressful I can't continue to turn to temporary mind numbing solutions to deep soul problems. If I am not running to the source for solutions-to my relationship with God- then I am not building towards really protecting myself I am just ignoring the problems for a little while."

And this is what I said:

"WOW! This is exactly where I am right now!"

Jesus...He keeps leading me back here...to this same thing. I can't keep turning my mind off when life is hard. He is calling to me in these times, to walk with Him, to grow in Him. And when I turn my brain off, I MISS Him!

The very same day I last posted---as I was going through old papers from my time in EA---I ran across a devotional a friend had written about the parable of the hidden treasure. You know-- a man finds this hidden treasure in a field, and in his joy, he goes and sells all he has to buy that field so he can possess the treasure. Jesus says that's what the kingdom of God is like. My friend said that God is calling us to sell all we have so that we can fully enter into the "field" of our circumstances, and with joy, possess the treasure hidden there; that is, Jesus. My friend posited that until I'm willing to sell all I have to buy that field and possess that treasure, I am not going to see Jesus working in my circumstances. I am going to miss him. I am going to despair. I think my friend is on to something.