I don't run unless I'm being chased

For the past 28 years, this has been the case: I do not run unless I'm being chased. I did run during softball, but I'll argue that I was technically being chased by the person throwing the ball to get me out. Running for P.E. class also counts as being chased --- chased by time, and the threat of an "F" if I did not complete the mile or dreaded 2 1/2 mile runs. In fact, I did fail the 2 1/2 mile run, but somehow still managed to get an "A" in P.E. That didn't stop me from crying in the gym afterwards (I didn't know that I wasn't really going to fail my class. In hindsight, I've decided it was only a threat to ensure that we actually TRIED to run the 2 1/2 miles under a certain amount of time---would have been nice if someone had told me that pre-sob-fest).

You can see that running and I don't have a good history. It's funny because my dad has run for longer than I've been alive, and I've inherited enough of his old race tshirts that I could probably wear a different one every day of the year. I've been such a poser---wearing tshirts from races that happened before I was even born. People start talking to me about running and I have to admit that I just like old tshirts, not running. That is, until a couple weeks ago.

Casey and I have a friend who runs in ultramarathons. I'm not sure why anyone would do that to themselves, but I have enough quirks that I'll let this one of his slide. Anyhow, he mentioned that he had a beginner's guide to running that we could try out. So, Casey started talking about buying some new running shoes...for a few months. He talked about it so much that I started to have strange thoughts about actually participating with him in this ridiculous venture. For his birthday, Casey actually got some money to buy shoes and he put it to use right away. Not to be outdone, I went and bought some running shoes myself. All our talk, and now we had the shoes...the only thing left was to actually follow through and start running.

We told several friends about what we were planning, and wore our new shoes. Sometimes it's good to let others in like this, because it keeps you motivated to follow through. The first day we ran for a minute and walked for 2 (repeat 10x). It wasn't fun, but it wasn't as terrible as I'd imagined. I survived - check. The second week you switch things up and run for two minutes and walk 1 (repeat 10x). The first day we did this, I thought I was going to die.

I decided by the second minute of running that I was just not going to do this plan anymore. My lungs hurt and my legs hurt and I kept sneezing (I keep telling people I'm allergic to exercise!). Casey kept talking to me and I didn't have the breath or energy to talk to him while running. I spent every minute of walking trying to remember how to breathe, only to find that it was time to run again before I'd really caught up. I told myself "Just get to the 5th rep and you can quit", but by the time I got to the fifth running stint, my stubbornness was kicking in. I didn't want to be a quitter.

I remember just where I was on the track when I realized the irony of what was happening. Here I was, my calf muscles killing me! My abs were hurting because I decided to be cool and try pilates earlier that day. My chest was burning. I was sweating profusely...on purpose. I started thinking how this is just what I've been learning about suffering and pain and discipline. People don't knowingly enter into pain and sweat and exhaustion...unless the benefit they will receive outweighs those discomforts.

See, I've been struggling with why God not only allows, but sends, frustrations into my life. "Why does it have to be this way God???" I have been asking him. And the irony was not lost on me on the track. Here I was, knowingly putting myself through physical pain, because I wanted the benefit of discipline and health in my life. If even I can see that, can't God see my whole life and what things need to be in it in order for me to grow? Can't I trust the infinite, timeless, good, loving God to send even pain and suffering into my life because He knows the benefits far outweigh the discomforts? Can't I trust a God who not only promises to bring all suffering to an end one day, but who Himself has gone before me into suffering, knowing the joy that was set before Him as He endured the cross for me and all who trust in His Name and work? Yes, He is trustworthy. Yes, He is wise. Yes, He is loving.

O my soul, trust Him.

On Having Open Hands

Our church family has been traveling through the book of James. This past Sunday we were in James 4:13-17, and Brett led us through "How to Plan for the Future". This particular word was timely for Casey and me in area of parenthood.

See, we will have been married four years this July (Lord willin' and the creek don't rise, right?). And lots of people have asked us if we want to have children, really since before we even got married. And we always answer with something to the effect of "Yes, whenever God decides is good". And we have believed this to some extent, but I think we've become more convinced in these past couple years how true this really is.

Lots of people get married, wait a few years, decide they want to have children, and get pregnant. You could be lured into thinking that childbearing is something you just decide is good, and then work your way there, so to speak. Like flicking on a light-switch. But, I guess, we've learned that it's just not the case. We aren't in control. Brett reminded us of this Sunday. "Don't presume anything---you aren't in control" (see James 4:13-14).

The reality is that our plans to have children by now apparently are not God's plans, because it hasn't happened. Brett told us Sunday "we think our life is long and we plan that way". We imagine a good long life and where we think each little piece of it should go. In reality, we are a mist, and we don't even get to know how long our life will be. We are tempted to try to figure that out by looking at someone else's story---and boy have we done that. It's difficult not to compare yourself to your friends, your family, people you admire, and wonder "Why don't we have what they have?" But Brett reminded us that we cannot live by human understanding---our own understanding put us at the center, but God may have better plans for us than we can imagine that will ultimately bring Him more glory than we can imagine (check out Proverbs 3:5-6)!

Last night, Casey and I talked about our desire to have children. And, in fact, our grief over what we've lost. In some sense, a dream has died. We imagined life to be one way, but that picture we had has crumpled. We imagined where we'd be by now, but we're not there. We can continue to hang onto that, and we can become bitter over what God has not given us, or we can let that dream die and hope in the God of the resurrection who can redeem the most broken things, bring life where there is none, and bring great glory to His name through our lives.

We sometimes think we know what would be best, but we're wrong. God knows best what we need. He has made us many promises, but one that is special to us is Psalm 84:11 "For the LORD God is a sun and shield; the LORD bestows favor and honor. No good thing does he withhold from those who walk uprightly." No good thing. 

We can trust God. He is good. He loves us. He is our Father. In Luke 12 Jesus tells us that we can live life free of worry because our heavenly Father knows all that we need and will provide it. To back this claim up, He actually promises something much greater---He tells us to seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness (Luke 12:31), knowing that it is our Father's good pleasure to give us the kingdom (Luke 12:32). He says as we seek this kingdom that He delights to give us, all the rest will be taken care of. So, we walk forward with open hands, seeking Him, and trusting that He will fill our hands again.