See, we will have been married four years this July (Lord willin' and the creek don't rise, right?). And lots of people have asked us if we want to have children, really since before we even got married. And we always answer with something to the effect of "Yes, whenever God decides is good". And we have believed this to some extent, but I think we've become more convinced in these past couple years how true this really is.
Lots of people get married, wait a few years, decide they want to have children, and get pregnant. You could be lured into thinking that childbearing is something you just decide is good, and then work your way there, so to speak. Like flicking on a light-switch. But, I guess, we've learned that it's just not the case. We aren't in control. Brett reminded us of this Sunday. "Don't presume anything---you aren't in control" (see James 4:13-14).
The reality is that our plans to have children by now apparently are not God's plans, because it hasn't happened. Brett told us Sunday "we think our life is long and we plan that way". We imagine a good long life and where we think each little piece of it should go. In reality, we are a mist, and we don't even get to know how long our life will be. We are tempted to try to figure that out by looking at someone else's story---and boy have we done that. It's difficult not to compare yourself to your friends, your family, people you admire, and wonder "Why don't we have what they have?" But Brett reminded us that we cannot live by human understanding---our own understanding put us at the center, but God may have better plans for us than we can imagine that will ultimately bring Him more glory than we can imagine (check out Proverbs 3:5-6)!
Last night, Casey and I talked about our desire to have children. And, in fact, our grief over what we've lost. In some sense, a dream has died. We imagined life to be one way, but that picture we had has crumpled. We imagined where we'd be by now, but we're not there. We can continue to hang onto that, and we can become bitter over what God has not given us, or we can let that dream die and hope in the God of the resurrection who can redeem the most broken things, bring life where there is none, and bring great glory to His name through our lives.
We sometimes think we know what would be best, but we're wrong. God knows best what we need. He has made us many promises, but one that is special to us is Psalm 84:11 "For the LORD God is a sun and shield; the LORD bestows favor and honor. No good thing does he withhold from those who walk uprightly." No good thing.
We can trust God. He is good. He loves us. He is our Father. In Luke 12 Jesus tells us that we can live life free of worry because our heavenly Father knows all that we need and will provide it. To back this claim up, He actually promises something much greater---He tells us to seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness (Luke 12:31), knowing that it is our Father's good pleasure to give us the kingdom (Luke 12:32). He says as we seek this kingdom that He delights to give us, all the rest will be taken care of. So, we walk forward with open hands, seeking Him, and trusting that He will fill our hands again.
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