Free To Struggle

I think these words have been forming for some time now --- sort of bubbling up inside me until today when I listened this song (sorry for the lame video, couldn't find official one) and read this article and it sort of all came together in my mind, and so here we go.

image from blog.whitneyenglish.com 

I first heard this song on a friend's blog and fell in love with it, and subsequently asked for any and all of this artist's music for Christmas (I got two of her albums --- sweet!). This song seems to capture my constant longing in music and lyrics:

"I don't know how to follow You without losing my way;
Jesus come and take me by the hand.

I don't know how to trust that You will do the things You say;
Spirit teach me how to understand ---
that Your love can heal the wreckage of my soul;
the beauty of Your light shining in me.

I don't know when You'll take me home to paradise with You ---
the day when I will finally be free ---
oh, the day when You come back for me."

Life is a struggle. Struggle. Life following Jesus is a struggle. Daily dying to self? Yeah, sure...a lot easier said than done. Every day. Every moment. I fail in an epic way --- I don't know --- weekly? Daily? True, I tend to be a little hard on myself (I also tend to be a little soft on myself --- just depends on the situation. Crazy.), but as my friend Marcus pointed out the other day, everyone thinks you are a pretty good person unless you, like, kill somebody, but nobody really knows what's going on inside. Well, except God. I'm thankful, and also terrified, by that. But for Jesus, who swallowed up the wrath of God that was my due. Like I said, though, it's a struggle.

So I came across this article today and the guy was talking about how sometimes it seems like the only testimonies we hear are from people who've experienced a sort of instant and miraculous healing. He pointed out that we don't often hear from the people who've wrestled, and are still wrestling, for years with a sickness or injury, yet have learned how to endure. He said we need to hear those great triumphs in testimony form too, because we need to see those heroes of faith (a la Hebrews 11) who ultimately point to The Hero Jesus. I agree with him. And, I would go farther.

I think we need the testimonies from the people who, just like me, are STRUGGLING. And who haven't even figured out how to endure, and maybe can't see the light at the end of the tunnel yet. Testimonies from people who, like me, spend WAY too much time than I'm comfortable admitting crying (or maybe you would insert "being angry" here, depending on your personality), and believing lies, and wishing someone would ask me if I'm okay, and not knowing how to respond when someone asks me if I'm okay, and silently hurting inside, and hating myself for being stuck in the exact same place I was yesterday, and last week, and last month.

The thing is --- I know I'm not the only one. And I've been wanting for weeks now to say that. I know there are people in our church family who are struggling. And feeling like a failure for struggling. And feeling like you're the only one struggling and failing. But that's a lie.

This morning, Casey reminded me of a song --- one line says, "Hallelujah, we are free to struggle; we're not struggling to be free" --- the premise being, because we are in Christ we are secure and we are free to wrestle this thing out with God every second of every day. It's not going to be easy. It's going to be hard. God is smashing down idols in our hearts, and building up spiritual muscles, "and it's tearing me [and you] apart," in an awesome way. And we are not alone (lie #345567) --- Jesus is Emmanuel, God with us. And we are not alone (lie #345568) --- we who are in Christ are "members one of another" (see, like, all of the epistles --- Romans 12, Ephesians 4, etc.).

Praise God, I have an awesome God-fearing, Jesus-loving, Spirit-filled husband who patiently endures my fits of crying and passionately points out the nasty lies that I am believing and asks me if I'm okay and waits if I don't know what to say and loves me even though I seem to struggle with the same things over and over. Wow, what a small picture of a BIG God. How gracious of God to give me this man who points me to a Better One who is way more patient, way more enduring, way more forgiving, way more loving  (can it be?). AND, on top of these things --- a loving God, a godly husband --- God has added a family.

The local church is a family (the whole big-C Church is a family). And God put us in this family when we trusted in Christ, and He meant for us to live out this life-struggle together. And if we don't, we are Not only hurting ourselves, as the saying goes. We are hurting the whole body. God knows this is hard for me. I mean, how many times have you seen me stand up in front of a large group of people (or small group of people!) and share my struggles? Probably on one hand, that's how many. I know this is what God is saying to me. But, I thought, maybe, God might say it to you, too. So, that's that. I look forward to hearing some more stories from people who are struggling, and are okay with admitting it. I'm gonna try to do that with you fam
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There is a friend who sticks closer than a brother

I was reading my friend Tim's blog this morning. Here's something that caught my eye in the post: 

"Nobody knows you like God knows you. He knows the fears you hide, the dreams you have in your sleep and those you have while you’re awake. He knows the strengths in you that you don’t even know in yourself. He knows the sin that you hide from every other soul. He knows your years and your moments, both those that lay behind and those to come. His thoughts toward you are for healing, wholeness, peace and power."

All of a sudden, I remembered laying on my bed as a teenager in high school, imagining these long conversations with a guy I liked, in which I was able to eloquently describe everything going on in my mind and heart, and magically, he understood me perfectly, and knew just the right questions to ask me, and just the right things to say to comfort me. I longed to be understood. I longed to be known -- and not just known, but known AND still loved. 

Our former pastor (when we were in Raleigh at Summit) JD Greear often talks about this desire to be both known and loved. If we are loved, but not known, it's just shallow and fake. If we are known and not loved, it's kind of our worst fear come to fruition. We are either too much, or not enough. What we really long for is to be known to the depths of our being, and loved in spite of it. That's why I spent hours wishing I had a boyfriend who would listen to me. I thought that's what I was waiting for. Someone to complete me. And I wasn't altogether off-course. I was waiting for someone to listen to me, someone to complete me. I was just willing to settle for far less than I was being offered.

When I was 17, in October of my senior year of high school, I finally quit resisting God's pulling on my heart, and I took the first step to follow Jesus, and I gave Him my life, and I haven't turned back. Immediately, I started reading the Bible, and I literally could not get enough of it. It's like I had been starving and someone had finally given me a plate of food, and I couldn't just eat one thing off the plate. I had to have a bite of every single thing on the plate. I would start off in one place, and then I'd flip to another, and then I would wonder about something else, and go there to read. The word was alive! I was alive! The Holy Spirit was now living in me, showing me truth that I'd never seen before. 

I remember the first time that God showed me how the whole Bible was about Jesus. I was reading Proverbs 18:24, "A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother." I imagine I must have sat upright then -- "That's Jesus!! That's Jesus! You mean this whole Bible is about Jesus?? It doesn't say His Name here, but I know it's about Jesus!!" 

How amazing was that moment when I realized all I'd ever longed for, I had found. There is one who sticks closer than a brother, and His Name is Jesus. He knows every single thing there is to possibly know about me. He loves me more deeply than anyone else ever could. He has more reason than anyone else to not love me, yet loves me all the more. "Who is a God like you, who pardons sin and forgives the transgression of the remnant of His inheritance? You do not stay angry forever but delight to show mercy. You will again have compassion on us; you will tread our sins underfoot and hurl all our iniquities into the depths of the sea. You will be true to Jacob, and show mercy to Abraham, as you pledged on oath to our fathers in days long ago (Micah 7:18-20)."

Amen.