Coach

Thursday afternoon, I was watching the Southern Middle Panthers take on the Mcdougle Middle Mustangs. The team was struggling at one point and I noticed the coach call out some instruction to one of his players. It seemed like it was probably some instruction he'd already given a few times to this player, who rolled his eyes, shook his head, and muttered something to his teammate. I thought, "Oh, buddy, that is just not gonna work out for you."  

If for no other reason than he'll pull you out of the game if you won't follow his lead, you should submit to your coach. But beyond that, it's just not smart to disagree with your coach, who knows you, and can see the game with an outside perspective. He's the coach for a reason. 

Isn't it the same with us and God? Isaiah 28 explains how God is like a farmer with us, careful to plow and sow and harvest at just the right time. So why is it so hard for us to wait on His timing? Do we think we know better? That He is somehow not competent to run our lives? He is competent.

Isaiah 28:29 reminds us that He is, "The LORD Almighty, wonderful in counsel and magnificent in wisdom." He knows how to coach us.

God either counts faith or trespasses

I read something the other day that kind of dumbfounded me:

"that is, in Christ God was reconciling the world to himself, not counting their trespasses against them, and entrusting to us the message of reconciliation." 2 Corinthians 5:19 

Of course, I'm glad God is not counting trespasses against those in Christ, especially me, but I wondered, "How?? How can He just not count them?" 

After a few days of some Mary-style pondering in my heart, I could only conclude that I didn't understand, but I was thankful. Then, searching for this passage about Abraham's faith in God's promise, I realized a connection that took my breath away:

20 No unbelief made him waver concerning the promise of God, but he grew strong in his faith as he gave glory to God,

21 fully convinced that God was able to do what he had promised.

22 That is why his faith was "counted to him as righteousness."

23 But the words "it was counted to him" were not written for his sake alone,

24 but for ours also. It will be counted to us who believe in him who raised from the dead Jesus our Lord,

25 who was delivered up for our trespasses and raised for our justification. 

Romans 4:20-25 

So, I realized, God will count one of two things- our trespasses, or our faith in Christ. One leads to death, our deserved wage. One leads to life, a gift of Jesus' righteousness. 

Here's what I've found:

6 just as David also speaks of the blessing of the one to whom God counts righteousness apart from works:

7 "Blessed are those whose lawless deeds are forgiven, and whose sins are covered; 

8 blessed is the man against whom the Lord will not count his sin."  

Romans 4:6-8

Renewing Our Vows

Brett came over Saturday night and helped Casey put together the humongous desk that he bought. They couldn't fit it in the door Tuesday when he brought it home, so the only thing to do was take screws out and bring it inside in pieces. Kelly was at a wedding vow renewal, so we got to talking about that whole concept --- why people do it and that sort of thing. I didn't know what I thought about it.

Sunday night we had a special baptism and singing service at church. I listened to Allie share how God connected the dots about Jesus for her several years ago, and how she's given her life to Him. I listened to Brett ask her some questions like 'Did she believe Jesus's life and death and resurrection was enough to cover her sin and give her new life?' And 'Did she want to commit to following Him forever?' It all felt very wedding-y. It was beautiful, and we all cried for joy. And I was thinking about my own baptism, and the day that I first gave my life to Jesus. How He won my heart over. I couldn't help but think of my own vows to God.

Andrew got up to lead music, and he said the band had been praying that all of us would, in a sense, be "baptized" that night---renewed. And my heart leaped a little...renewed...like renewing your vows. And we started singing. And...have you ever sat down to a meal, not realizing you were hungry, but once you started eating, you realized it was the best food you'd ever tasted? That's what it was.

We sang song after song---all my favorites. I kept waiting for a song I didn't like to come up, but it never happened. And I knew---God directed the night for ALL of us, but I couldn't help but think, "He KNOWS these are my favorites." And I sang them...I had to...I sang them to Him. I couldn't help but think, "Is God...am I...are we renewing our vows?"

We sang how "There is Power in the Name of Jesus...to break every chain"....and I confessed that I want to believe this! I need to believe this! In fact, what I wrote on my paper is, "It is Time to believe God for..." For people in my life that I want to be free. For my own freedom from guilt and fear.

Then Andrew said something about being controlled by love, and of course, 2 Corinthians 5:14-15 came to mind, "For the love of Christ controls us, because we have concluded this: that one has died for all; therefore all have died; and He died for all that those who live might no longer live for themselves but for Him who for their sake died and was raised."

It was the beginning of the answer to my prayer...freedom is being controlled not by guilt and fear, but by the love of Christ. So, we sang about His love for us. What would it be like to be ruled by love instead of guilt and fear? It sounds like cold water in the desert. So I did, and I am, begging God to help me believe His love for me. To be controlled...compelled by that love.

And, Casey tells me He's going to answer that prayer because, well, it's what He wants, and He's the one who gave me that desire in the first place. And...I am stunned. And hopeful. It's been twelve years, and some days I honestly wish I had more to show for it. But apparently God isn't done yet. He still wants me. Even when I am faithless, He remains faithful, for He cannot deny Himself.

I hate going to the dentist. (Nothing personal, dentist people)

The last time I went to the dentist, they told me I had a hole in my tooth. How does that even happen? Actually, I wasn't that surprised because I feel like I spent half of my childhood getting filings at the dentist. I think because of that, I have a lot of anxiety when I go now, thinking they'll find something else wrong. Even the smell of latex makes my stomach start hurting cause it reminds me of those gloved hands drilling away in my too-small mouth.

So, after a few months of putting off this filing, I finally scheduled the appointment... Well, actually I had Casey call and schedule it for me... Told you I had some anxiety. 

When it finally came time to go, I was sick and couldn't breathe already, so I knew piling anxiety-laden activity onto my already fragile state wouldn't work, so I had to call and reschedule until yesterday. I was really proud of myself for calling on my own that time. #grownuplife

All day long I was dreading the appointment and told everyone I saw about it. Mark reminded me what C.S. Lewis said in "Mere Christianity":

    "When I was a child I often had toothache, and I knew that if I went to my mother she would give me something which would deaden the pain for that night and let me get to sleep. But I did not go to my mother—at least, not till the pain became very bad. And the reason I did not go was this. I did not doubt she would give me the aspirin; but I knew she would also do something else. I knew she would take me to the dentist next morning. I could not get what I wanted out of her without getting something more, which I did not want. I wanted immediate relief from pain: but I could not get it without having my teeth set permanently right. And I knew those dentists: I knew they started fiddling about with all sorts of other teeth which had not yet begun to ache. They would not let sleeping dogs lie, if you gave them an inch they took an ell.  
    Now, if I may put it that way, Our Lord is like the dentists. If you give Him an inch, He will take an ell. Dozens of people go to Him to be cured of some one particular sin which they are ashamed of (like masturbation or physical cowardice) or which is obviously spoiling daily life (like bad temper or drunkenness). Well, He will cure it all right: but He will not stop there. That may be all you asked; but if once you call Him in, He will give you the full treatment.  
    That is why He warned people to ‘count the cost’ before becoming Christians. ‘Make no mistake,’ He says, ‘if you let me, I will make you perfect. The moment you put yourself in My hands, that is what you are in for. Nothing less, or other, than that. You have free will, and if you choose, you can push Me away. But if you do not push Me away, understand that I am going to see this job through. Whatever suffering it may cost you in your earthly life, whatever inconceivable purification it may cost you after death, whatever it costs Me, I will never rest, nor let you rest, until you are literally perfect— until my Father can say without reservation that He is well pleased with you, as He said He was well pleased with me. This I can do and will do. But I will not do anything less.’"

Comforting, Mark, thanks...

And, what do you know, when I got there yesterday, they went ahead and did my six month cleaning and checked out all my other teeth. "No!!" I thought. "I only scheduled the one filling!" But they weren't satisfied with that. In fact, while working on my one filling, they had to adjust an old one beside it that needed some attention with all the chaos going on next door. But, ya know, they fixed my teeth. Cause it's their job. And it hurt. It was uncomfortable. It was messy. But, it was worth it. And my heart is no less worth it. And God won't stop short of perfection, so that his righteousness and his power might be put on display. And that's good. For all of us. So I can submit with hope and joy, because "The saying is trustworthy and deserving of full acceptance, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, of whom I am the foremost." 1 Timothy 1:15

My story.

I was born a middle-class white girl in the suburbs of Moore County. Ha. But really. Someone asked me my Jesus-story the other day, so I thought I'd record it here.

I grew up in a good family. Dad, Mom, younger sister (almost 2 years between us). For most of my life, I had all four grandparents living, and even had 2 great-grandparents through middle school. There's a slew of aunts, uncles, cousins, and cousins-fifteen-times-removed, who are spread throughout the Southeast Coast.

We grew up in church---in fact, I was so holy, I attended 2 churches every Sunday for a time. Only half-joking. From infancy I heard the name of Jesus, I learned about God from sermons and children's church and Vacation Bible School. My mom recently told me that as a young girl I declared blue to be my favorite color because the sky is blue and God lives in the sky. I don't remember that. In fact, I don't remember thinking much about God at all.

I do remember one time staying with my grandma and she told me God was everywhere. I remember some church people painting my face at a festival and asking me about Jesus. I remember thinking in middle school that it seemed kind of far-fetched that a God existed and created everything. Then...nothing...for a while. I do distinctly remember praying in my bed at night during high school...who knows what I was praying about...I really didn't know God then.

It was around that same time I had my first serious boyfriend---serious as in you spend every waking moment talking to, or about, that person. Serious as in you use the L-word and you think you'll marry this person. I think that relationship kind of was my god for a time. When I wasn't making grades my god. Or my performance on the softball field.

Interestingly enough, through that relationship is where I first met people my own age who talked about Jesus like He was a person you could know. And...they listened to...Christian music. Gasp. Real people do that??? I started going to some youth events with my boyfriend. But...I also started pursuing other less-than-holy activities, too. Everyone knows what makes you "cool" in high school. It's not straight A's, but I did my best to maintain straight A's for the adults in my life, and to pursue coolness through whatever means necessary with my friends. Needless to say, there's a lot I'm not proud of from grades 10-12. It wasn't working though...I didn't feel cool. I felt empty.

One night, I felt particularly empty, and I think I had an epiphany of sorts. It wasn't quite as dramatic as Paul on the Road to Damascus, but I did have this realization that the things I was pursuing were not working, and I was tired. I can't remember the exact timing, but I don't think it was more than a couple Sunday's later that I was in church on a Sunday morning, listening to a sermon on choosing whether you wanted to be hot or cold---follow Jesus or not. There's no in-between. I knew that in the past weeks, I'd felt a pull on my heart to respond to God, and I'd resisted. That day I didn't have anymore resistance in me. I gave my life to Jesus. I wanted His forgiveness, and He gave it freely. I wanted a new life, and He breathed it into me. I wanted freedom and peace, and I got up from the altar so light and free. I also got up knowing everything was going to change.

 Some things changed immediately. Some desires for sin were gone, just like that. Other things changed...are changing...gradually. There has often been a fight to believe truth over a long period of time before a stronghold gets crushed. And, everyday, there are new battles. The more you know Jesus, the more you realize you aren't like Him, and the more you want to be like Him, so there's always more you're asking Him for, and hoping to see become reality. But, here is a trustworthy saying: "It is the LORD who goes before you; He will be with you. Do not fear or be dismayed." (Deuteronomy 31:8).

And, that, my friends, is a glimpse into Cristina's story...so far...

I am wanted.

Last Friday, for maybe the first time, I realized that I am wanted. I had just seen a woman use her hands, and her whole body, really, to translate Genesis 1's recounting of God creating the world. It was probably one of the most beautiful things I've ever watched. 

When she finished with, "And God saw that it was very good," a brother shared with the room his own creation-story. He shared how God created their family through adoption, five times over. He shared about his delight in these children, and now, in his grandchildren. He showed us a picture of his beautifully diverse collection of adoring, and adored, grandchildren. Then he reminded us of how we've been adopted by God.

Do you know what the mathematical odds are that you would be born? It's some ridiculous number (What are the odds your parents would meet? What are the odds that they would become romantically involved? What are the odds that you, of all other possibilities, would be conceived? What are the odds that you'd even make it to full term and live here on earth?), which he nicely summed up with, "The odds are infinity to one."

But, do you know what "the one" is? Or, rather, Who it is?

You need to read Ephesians 1. Right now. Go do it! 'Cause it's that good. Look:

"Paul, an apostle of Christ Jesus by the will of God." (v. 1)

"...He chose us in Him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and blameless before Him." (v.4)

"In love He predestined us for adoption as sons through Jesus Christ, according to the purpose of His will..." (v. 5)

"In Him we have redemption...forgiveness...according to the riches of His grace, which He lavished on us in all wisdom and insight, making known to us the mystery of His will, according to His purpose, which He set forth in Christ, as a plan for the fullness of time..." (v 7-10)

"...having been predestined according to the purpose of Him who works all things according to the counsel of His will..." (v. 11)

It is no mistake that you exist (Read Psalm 139 for a refresher on how God intimately weaves each of us together in our mother's womb). It's no mistake if you have any inclination toward Christ . That only happens when God wakes you up to reality and brings you to life a second time (Read Ephesians 2 for a refresher on how we were born into this world dead in sin, but God's rich mercy reached down and made us alive in Christ). He doesn't do anything on accident. Ephesians 1 alone is enough proof of that. By His will, according to the purpose of His will, chose us, predestined, adoption. He didn't accidentally wind up with us. He wanted us.

He wanted us, so He created us. He wanted us as sons and daughters, but we were born dead, so He made a way for us to come to life. He sent Jesus to rescue us. He made us alive in Christ. And He has plans for us as His kids. "For we are His workmanship created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them."

Last Friday, for maybe the first time, I realized that I am wanted. And it's changing things, 'cause when you realize someone wants you and brought you here on purpose, you realize you have a purpose, and you want to live for that purpose.

Inculcation: Send Out Your Light and Your Truth

My friend/boss/pastor, who I will from now on refer to as my fr-os-tor (frostor), has been inculcating, if you will, our staff with the idea of inculcation lately. Now, if you're like me, inculcate is a fairly new vocabulary word. So, as with most new words, I've been turning it over in my mind a lot. I keep repeating it...inculcate...inculcate.

I've been wondering what kind of messages I've been inculcated with in my lifetime (frostor, am I using that word correctly?). I started thinking about my yesterday. Yesterday sucked. I wanted to be doing one thing, but found myself responsible for something different. I hate missing out. The thing I was responsible for didn't feel good, either. In fact, it's totally unnatural for me, so that some days every moment of it feels like weight-lifting. I know you will tell me that weight-lifting is good for me, and, you're right, but just go with me here---and let me just be sad for a minute that yesterday sucked.

It wasn't until the end of yesterday, talking with husband/best friend/pastor, who I will from now on refer to as my hu-st-or (hustor), that I realized most of my struggle was probably because, while I was feeling my weakness and loneliness, I got attacked pretty mightily, and really struggled to fight back with truth. As I talked through what had happened during my day with hustor, and how I'd interpreted each piece, I realized that one of my big struggles was believing (or not) that God was really with me and leading me.

I've been reading this book called Good to Grace, and the author talks a lot about how the Holy Spirit leads believers in the every day. She talks about how freeing that is, because instead of having to try to eek out our own goodness, we can simply listen and obey. Well, I was trying, and I don't know if I couldn't hear, or if I overcomplicated it, or if there were two voices speaking and I struggled to discern God's (I think maybe all of these?), it didn't "work" like I thought it would. And, instead of standing on truth , I caved under the weight of the day and surrendered to defeat. And I'm thinking it's because while God's been spending my whole life inculcating me with His truth, the devil's been spending my whole life inculcating me with his lies.

My whole life I've been observing what's going on around me, and for most of it, I've  interpreted it according to what my former father the devil told me was reality. But, for the last 11.5 years, I've been learning to interpret circumstances based on my new Father God's truth. See, the enemy has inculcated me with all these false ideas, so that in any given crappy circumstance I can discern something crazy like "I am alone", "I am the only one looking out for me", "I will never change", and the like. But, then, God came and re-opened my eyes, and He's been inculcating me with truth, so that in any given crappy circumstance I can discern something beautiful like, "I will never leave you or forsake you", "I will not leave you as orphans", "He who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Christ Jesus."

Who's gonna win the war? Easy. It's already won. It's only a matter of time before my ears listen to the Father's voice, and only His voice, and I'll understand and obey, because I know He's good and right and true. It's only a matter of time. Because, though my inculcation for 17 years was all darkness and death, my inculcation from this time forth and forevermore is only life and peace. There is hope. So, I say, send your inculcation Father.

Send Out Your Light and Your Truth

43 Vindicate me, O God, and defend my cause
    against an ungodly people,
from the deceitful and unjust man
    deliver me!
2 For you are the God in whom I take refuge;
    why have you rejected me?
Why do I go about mourning
    because of the oppression of the enemy?

3 Send out your light and your truth;
    let them lead me;
let them bring me to your holy hill
    and to your dwelling!
4 Then I will go to the altar of God,
    to God my exceeding joy,
and I will praise you with the lyre,
    O God, my God.

5 Why are you cast down, O my soul,
    and why are you in turmoil within me?
Hope in God; for I shall again praise him,
    my salvation and my God.

I don't understand

Yesterday we had a 60th birthday party for Dad. Mom and I got together to plan, and decided I would rent the picnic shelter uptown where our whole family could gather for lasagna and cake and birthday fun. When I went to bed the night before, the wind was howling. When I woke up, it still was. When we got to park, the wind was even stronger, tearing through the picnic shelter like we were a little sailboat in the middle of an ocean storm.

I had been praying all week for good weather. I had been praying that morning. I had been praying while I duct taped 'Happy 60th birthday' signs to posts, that the wind would stop howling. "God, you calmed storms. You can just tell the wind to stop." And it seemed like the wind would howl louder, and nearly rip my sign out of my hands. After several failed attempts to duct table cloths to picnic tables, with party supplies flying everywhere, we gave it up and headed back to our apartment where we all huddled into our living room to regroup. I was unhappy, to say the least. I wanted to cry from frustration, and yell in anger. "God, I don't understand what you're doing."

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This morning we got up way too early for a sunrise service with our church family (good thing I like them, or I'd still be mad I got up so early, to cook no less). Post-service, we went inside to eat breakfast. Kelly was holding little Miss Hayden, but put her down with Brett while she went to refill Hay's milk bottle. Hayden got the pouty face and went to crying. I listened to her dad tell her, "It's ok. She'll be back. She's going to get you some milk. She's taking care of you. That's what Mommy always does - she takes care of you."

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A few minutes ago, at "second breakfast", if you will, Casey read us a short story from a little book we like called Not By Sight. It was a reflection on the time when Lazarus died and Jesus waited four days to come see about him and his sisters, Mary and Martha. It was written from Martha's perspective. She wonders why Jesus didn't come at first, and what he will do when he does come. She's confused, sad --- hurt, even --- that he didn't come and save Lazarus at the beginning. But the verse that opens this story (in John chapter 11) tells us that Jesus delayed precisely because he loved Lazarus, Martha, and Mary. Of course, we know, Jesus did raise Lazarus from the dead that fourth day, and when He did, He brought much glory to God and brought many people to Himself, because of this miracle.

Martha and Mary asked Jesus to come. They had asked God to heal their brother Lazarus. And God delayed. And, at first, to some, it looked like God didn't care. But God knew what He was doing. Jesus delayed so that God would receive the glory and the Martha and Mary would receive much joy.

Yesterday, while I was muttering, Casey reminded me that 2,000 years ago, when Jesus was dying on the cross, it looked, to some, like God was out of control, but we know He had never been in more control.

So, can I trust Him with my "ruined" party plans? Yeah, I think I can. Because He's the God who turns an instrument of death into an instrument of salvation. He's the one who turns death into new life. He is the God of the Resurrection. He is the Resurrection and the Life. And He's just like Hayden's momma - He is always taking care of his kids, in the very best way. Even when we don't understand.

Spoiler Alert: I Don't Know The Future

“Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don’t get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes." (Matthew 6:34 MSG)

One of the best things, for me, about being at Campus Life M clubs in the mornings is getting to hear Mark teach about God every week. We go to Southern on Wednesday, and Northern on Thursday, so I actually hear the same teaching two mornings in a row. And it's really good for me. That point that stood out to me Wednesday morning comes back around again Thursday morning, and I have another chance to meditate on what God is saying to me.

This week, Mark was teaching the students about "Who God Is". Pretty lofty subject, but he does a great job of teaching complex things in an uncomplicated way, so that even middle schoolers (and Cristina) can understand. 

So one of the things he shared about God is how God knows everything that has ever happened, everything that is currently happening, and everything that will (or even could happen). 

Both days he asked the students "Would you like to know the future?" Wednesday, I swear, ALL the kids raised their hands! Thursday only one said she definitely would want to know. But, then, he told them he wasn't sure he'd want to know. I mean, if it was going to be a good day, you might want to get up early and get going. But if you knew it was going to be a bad day, you might not even want to get out of bed. And there it was.

The truth of how I've been living. I live most of my days as if I can see the future. And the future I see is not good. So, some days, I really don't want to get out of bed. But, I drag myself out and down to the coffeepot. I sit on the sofa with my Bible open. I take out my journal and pen, but lately, the words don't come. I don't want to read the Bible. I don't want to talk to God. Because, I think -- I'm pretty sure -- the day is going to suck. But, here's the thing.

Mark was telling the kids that ONLY God knows the future. I. don't. know. the. future! I've got to stop living like I do. In defeat. Wouldn't that be freeing? To just live life knowing that my Father does know the future, will be with me, and will empower me for whatever comes? Yeah, probably so...probably this:

“Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don’t get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes.

What is that?

So, I'm driving down the road listening to NPR's Science Friday with this guest talking about images from some space mission. He's talking about how they got these pictures of something they didn't expect. There's these two lights in the pictures, and they don't know what they are. Right now, the images are from so far away, all they really look like is two dots. But, he says, they plan to take shots closer to the lights, or whatever they are, and those shots will be 100 times better than the current ones. And the current shots -- they are already 100 times better than the previous ones. And, listening to him talk, it hits me.

The truth of what he's saying---how they are seeing something. They have the images. But they don't know what it is they're looking at...Yet. Those things, whatever they are, have always been there. But, before, they were looking from so far away, they couldn't even tell. Now, they're closer, and they can seem something. Soon, they'll be even closer, and maybe they'll be able to make sense of what exactly they're looking at. 100 years from now? Who knows what they'll know about these little mysteries?

One hundred years from now, who knows what I'll know about my own little mysteries? God has all of my days recorded. He has for forever. Literally. "Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be (Psalm 139:16)." In some mysterious way, all of my days have always been, in that God has always had them planned out. 

But me, I'm so small, so inside time, that I haven't been able to see the happenings of my life plainly until I arrive right up on top of them. Sometimes, I see dimly the things that are coming---so dimly that all they look like is those 2 blobs of light out there in the universe. 'What, exactly, are they? What am I looking at?' If I'm being honest, even when I am "right up on top of them", I am often, still, perplexed. 'Okay, yes, I see them now. They are, uh...well, they look like...well, they feel like...um...well, I don't really know.' 

Sometimes, I look back at "old pictures", and suddenly, in the right light, those memories and experiences seem so much more plain. 'Oh, that's what was going on then. I see what you did there, God.' And, sometimes, no matter what the light looks like, no matter the quality of the "picture", I still don't have a word for what I'm seeing. Maybe sometimes---maybe most times, I have to settle my hope in the fact that, one day---maybe 100 years of days from now---the picture will be clear. I will have words for what I will then see clearly. All the angst will fall away, and it will only be joy that I comprehend. And it will only be pleasure that I experience. And it will only be praise that I speak.

"For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known (1 Corinthians 13:12)."

This. This truth that God knows in full. God plans in full. God loves in full. This truth is enough to sustain when I don't know why. All the things I don't understand now. All the "no's" in answer to prayer. All the suffering that doesn't make sense to me. All the waiting. All of it. It's those 2 lights...out there. It's something. It's not meaningless. In time, it will even make sense. And, more than just making sense, it will bring praise to the One who is Creator, Father, Lover, Friend, Shepherd, Master. It's good. 

So, I look forward to the coming closer. To the understanding, yes. But, mostly, closer to the One who understands. And I don't wait alone. He's here now.