I am Barabbas. I am the angry crowd.

"Now it was the governor's custom at the Feast to release a prisoner chosen by the crowd. At that time they had a notorious prisoner, called Barabbas. So when the crowd had gathered, Pilate asked them, 'Which one do you want me to release to you: Barabbas, or Jesus who is called Christ?' For he knew it was out of envy that they had handed Jesus over to him...

'Barabbas,' they answered.

'What shall I do, then, with Jesus who is called Christ?' Pilate asked.

They all answered, 'Crucify him!'...

Pilate...took water and washed his hands in front of the crowd. 'I am innocent of this man's blood,' he said. 'It is your responsibility!'

All the people answered, 'Let his blood be on us and on our children!'

Then he released Barabbas to them. But he had Jesus flogged, and handed him over to be crucified."

(Matthew 27:15-18, 21b-22, 24b-26)

I am Barabbas---I am released, while Jesus is flogged and crucified.

I am the angry crowd---Jesus' blood is on my hands, but He has made me clean by covering me with His blood.

This is a picture of the NC State GLBT Center, which was vandalized this week (You can read the story on WRAL here, or on NCSU's online edition of the school newspaper here). I don't really know why I read people's comments on controversial stories like this, because they always make my blood pressure rise. Nonetheless, I seem to keep doing it, and then vowing never to do it again. Today is no different. As I read the comments on the WRAL site, they ranged from sympathy for the victims (in this case, the GLBT community at NC State), to hatred towards the perpetrators (whoever decided to do a little hate-filled artwork a couple nights ago, instead of doing their homework), to the conspiracy theory that the perpetrators and the victims are in the fact the same people (in other words, did the GLBT community actually paint this to stir up dialogue?).

Well, okay, let's say that NO students at NC State actually have a problem with there being a GLBT Center, or with anyone being Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, or Transgender. Let's say everyone gets a long just swell, and they really could care less what someoene's sexual orientation is (right...). And, let's say that the GLBT community did in fact paint this on their own Center's door and bulletin boards, just to get the NCSU community at large to talk about things. Well, I'd say, judging by the hate-filled comments on WRAL's story, their "idea" wasn't so crazy.

Now, before you start flipping out, thinking I've gone all "liberal" on you, stop. This isn't a discussion about whether being Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, or Transgender is okay. In reality, my stand is the same as it has been: My standard is God's Word. According to God's Word, there is one design for mankind---one man, one woman, in marriage (and no, I do not care to discuss the proposed legislation to mandate this definition---that's not what this post is about either). "So, what then, is this post about?" you ask.

Well, it's about this: On Saturday night, Casey and I watched a movie from the '90's called "Philadelphia" starring Tom Hanks and Denzel Washington. We didn't know anything about it before Saturday, except the blurb on the box, but it sounded interesting, and it won lots of awards, which is sometimes a good sign, so we decided to check it out. If you're unfamiliar, I'll enlighten you a bit on its plot. Tom Hanks and Denzel Washington are both lawyers in Philly. Tom works for a big-time law firm, and has just landed a huge lawsuit. Denzel is your stereotypical personal injury lawyer (appearing in ads on TV, reminding you that you need to get yours). They end up running into each other, as they are on opposite sides of a case (the case is not important...and I can't really remember it). So...anywho....you soon find out that Tom has AIDS, and is dying. Around the same time you find out, his bosses also find out, and decide to fire him for "incompetence". After going to 9 other lawyers who don't want to take the case, Tom finally goes to Denzel and asks him to take on the suit he's filing against his former employers for wrongful termination. Denzel['s character] hates gay people and is afraid of people with AIDS, so he won't take the case. Through a series of circumstances, he does end up taking the case, works through his fear of people with AIDS and his hatred of gay people; they end up winning the suit; Tom ends up dying at the end, but not before he makes a great impression on Denzel; and they all live happily ever after. Whew. Made it through.

Now, this movie, in my opinion, was actually ahead of its time, as far as the issue of homosexuality, and how it is perceived in our society, is concerned. I kept remarking that this movie could have been made today, because it sounds just like the dialogue (yeah, that's a nice word for it) that is happening right now in our country. However, as I've already said, I was not most intrigued by the agenda the movie puts forward (because, honestly, I don't agree with all of it). What I can't get out of my head, though, is this one scene.

In the movie, one of the senior partners (Is that the right term...I don't know?) used to work in another firm, where that happened to be a female co-worker with AIDS. He knew that she had AIDS because prominent lesions would appear on her face. This is important because this senior partner, along with all the others, is denying that he knew Tom had AIDS, even though Tom also had these prominent lesions on his face. So, Denzel brings in this former female co-worker to talk about her illness and her experience with the senior partner. She talks about the "'Oh-God' expression" that came over him whenever he saw her. Then she talks about how she contracted the AIDS virus (which is very important to the defense, as you should see shortly). Here's a snippet of the questioning (the defense is questioning the witness Ms. Benedict):

Defense: Ms. Benedict, how did you contract the AIDS virus?

               
Ms. Benedict: Through a transfusion. I lost a lot of blood giving birth to my second child.
Defense: So, in your case there was no behavior on your part... which caused you to be
infected with the virus.It was something you were unable to avoid. Isn't that correct?
Ms. Benedict: I guess.
Defense: Thank you. 
               
Ms. Benedict: But I don't consider myself...any different from anyone else
with this disease. I'm not guilty. I'm not innocent. I'm just trying to survive.

Okay, so the analogy is not going to carry all the way through, because obviously, based on God's Word, I do believe in guilt and innocence. In fact, I believe we are all guilty. But. I cannot stop thinking about Ms. Benedict's response. The defense's strategy is clear. They are attempting to say that Ms. Benedict contracted AIDS through no fault of her own---that she didn't deserve to have it---but that Tom, being homosexual, behaved in a way that he deserved to contract AIDS and die. Ms. Benedict won't let that fly. She says "But I don't consider myself any different...from anyone else with this disease." 

And THAT is the point! I---me, Cristina---consider myself no different from anyone else with this disease. Namely, Sin. I'm a sinner. You're a sinner. Your specific sins may have a different name than mine, but their end result is the same. Either we trust in Jesus to pay for our sins, or we pay for them ourselves. When I forget that Jesus paid for my sins, and start to think I am good on my own, then hatred for others fills my heart and all I want to do is point out how "they" are bad, and I am good. But, when I remember that I, on my own, am evil and unworthy of knowing God, but that Jesus has paid for me and given me His righteousness, then is my heart filled with compassion for other sinners who are just like me---hopeless without Jesus.   

The time for obedience is Now, not Then

I love my church, East Rock Community.  One thing I love about our people and our leadership is the commitment to be real with one another.  Though my prayer is that we will go far deeper in this commitment, I'm encouraged that we're headed in the right direction.  One way God is using us to cultivate an atmosphere of authenticity in our weekly gathering is with an open time of sharing & encouragement.  During this time, anyone can stand or speak up to share a need for prayer, to confess sin, or to share how they've witnessed God working in their life over the past week.  I love this time, particularly because it gives freedom to the Spirit in prompting anyone to speak, and it provides opportunities for us to encourage one another or lay hands on another in prayer (nothing breaks me more than seeing a crowd of people gathering around another to support him or her in prayer!).  I love this time also because it reminds me that God is real, and regardless of how blind I may have been to see Him work in my own life over the past week, I'm always encouraged to hear how He's working in the life of a brother or sister.

Many times I've stood myself and testified of God's obvious power in my life over the past week, and I've been tremendously blessed to see how that testimony blesses another.  But last night (our church's weekly gathering is on Sunday evening), I balked out of fear, and my hesitance to share hindered another from being blessed by the confession I felt prompted to make public.  Oddly enough, my confession was to be one of fearing what people think of me.  My legs were tensed to stand, my Bible open, and yet my wicked heart restrained me to my seat in the pew, and my mouth remained closed.  We began to sing, the song of which I forget, though I remember lyrics along the lines of "surrendering everything to follow Jesus."  I felt I was singing a lie, and that started tearing me up.  My adversary continued to wail on me, telling me I would never change, telling me I'd missed that opportunity and so now would never be healed, telling me I was unworthy to sing before my King.

In part, he was right.

"Unworthy to sing before King Jesus" was God's honest truth, spoken by a devil.  But he was only half right, and half victorious.  For in the subsequent battle, God's Spirit told me that yes, I had been disobedient.  Yes, I had missed a great opportunity to make my need known to His people, missing an opportunity for any of them to respond with prayer or encouragement.  Yes, my disobedience does warrant condemnation, & does warrant being cast out of the presence of a holy sinless God Almighty.  "But God..."

But God in His Spirit revealed a precious truth.  I had been disobedient then, but His power still resided in me, sealed by the blood of Jesus dying in my place for my sins, and there was NOW a new opportunity for obedience.  I had made the wrong choice 30 seconds ago, but a new choice was being presented to me NOW.  As much as I wanted to change what happened THEN, His refrain was "today is the day of salvation."  And so in my "today," in that "now", by His power I chose obedience, and I pursued my pastor at the front of the building to ask for his prayer.  And in that moment, there was victory, and I was able to forget myself for the rest of the evening, lost in the precious grace of my Savior.

 

Oddly enough, we opened the Word to Mark 14.  Peter, James, & John, Jesus' closest friends, fell away and fell asleep, deserting Him in His painful hour praying in Gethsemane.  But Jesus went to the cross for them still. He knew beforehand that they would fall away and even told them that, and yet He stilll went to the cross for them.  Later on, however, they "got it", and they chose rightly to obey.  I hear the enemy's lies all the time, and he often likes to take an obvious failure of mine and remind me of it over and over again till I feel sick. satan may be beating you up now over something you've done 10 years or 10 seconds ago, but the truth is that now is the acceptable time to obey, and now God's power is available to you and me, purchased by Jesus' blood (2 Corinthians 6:2)

Not to us, O LORD, not to us, But to Your name give glory...(Psalm 115:1)

The pic is me and Sis at the Jack Johnson concert August 12th, 2008---just a couple of days before I headed out for a year of STINT (Short Term International) with Cru. I'm smiling here. Partly because I love hanging out with my sister. Partly because we're at a Jack Johnson concert and he draws an interesting array of ages/subcultures. And, I'm betting a lot of that smile also has to do with relief. Relief that I had finally reached the 100% mark for support-raising, and had packed my bags (well...I had started anyway), and I was boarding a plane in a few days.

I don't really like to think back to that summer too much, because, to be honest, a lot of it SUCKED. I had just graduated from college, aka, the spend-24-7-with-all-your-best-buds-stay-up-late-to-go-to-Cookout-for-a-milkshake-and-feel-totally-rested-the-next-morning-constant-hangout-that-I'd-called-life-for-four-years. And that is depressing enough when you are 22. Not only did I graduate, but I left Raleigh, where ALL (seemingly, anyway) of my friends still lived; where my church for the last three years was; where there were malls in every direction; where people were actually at Cookout if you decided to go at 3 A.M. Then, on top my post-college-letdown, add in the fact that I was leaving the country for a year in August, and would have to do this whole starting life over thing again. Then, remember that, as part of that whole leaving the country thing, you have to raise $1000's of dollars. My heart is beating faster. Is yours?

So, today, I was going through some books and such, and I came across my journal from that summer. Most of it, honestly, is me crying, or talking about crying, or wondering when I'm gonna stop crying...I feel bad for the girl, but I'm also like "C'mon already! Look up!" So, on Wednesday, July 23rd, a couple weeks before I was supposed to leave for E.A., and only 1 week and 1 day until I was supposed to have raised 100% of my support, here's what I wrote:

"Well, I was feeling good & light until last night in the bed [Support] Coach...called & said how I had 8 days left. That # & the number I still have left---between 13 & 14,000---to raise---caused some panic, but I want to still trust God. God I know You are able to do it all tonight if You want. I pray for You to work & for me to trust. Wisdom in what to say. Who to talk to next. Joy."

The next day, I wrote:

"7 days & $10,000 to go---it's how I'm measuring time---like all else has ceased to exist until we reach $0 to raise. But I will say the last few days have seen a good bit of $, all thanks to You Lord. I'm frustrated b/c I feel like I'm ignoring You God, for this $ & I don't quite know how to change, except to get in Your Word. Help me think on You more than this $."

So, then, apparently I read 2 Samuel 4-7 right after praying, and here's the thoughts I recorded on it:

"You have put David (from nothing) as king over Israel. So, David wants to build You a house---instead, You say "No, David I'm gonna build YOU a house."

I don't even think I connected the two when I was writing it, but looking back now it's clear as day!!! The point of that summer, and my continual failure as I depended on myself to raise the money, was to show God faithful, and myself utterly dependent on Him for life and breath and everything! I wanted so badly to build God a "house" of money that summer. 'Look God, see all the money I raised for You?' But God, thankfully, would not let me. He said 'No, Cristina, I'm gonna build YOU a house.' Oh the depth of the riches of the wisdom and knowledge of God!

Six days later, Wednesday, July 30th, 2008:

"Well God, You have accomplished it. I'm not sure exactly the number we're at, but support is pretty much almost done. That is crazy---well, I guess it's really not---it's just ya know my faith is this big and YOU ARE TOO BIG TO EXPRESS."

On campus in E.A. Peace!