I hate going to the dentist. (Nothing personal, dentist people)

The last time I went to the dentist, they told me I had a hole in my tooth. How does that even happen? Actually, I wasn't that surprised because I feel like I spent half of my childhood getting filings at the dentist. I think because of that, I have a lot of anxiety when I go now, thinking they'll find something else wrong. Even the smell of latex makes my stomach start hurting cause it reminds me of those gloved hands drilling away in my too-small mouth.

So, after a few months of putting off this filing, I finally scheduled the appointment... Well, actually I had Casey call and schedule it for me... Told you I had some anxiety. 

When it finally came time to go, I was sick and couldn't breathe already, so I knew piling anxiety-laden activity onto my already fragile state wouldn't work, so I had to call and reschedule until yesterday. I was really proud of myself for calling on my own that time. #grownuplife

All day long I was dreading the appointment and told everyone I saw about it. Mark reminded me what C.S. Lewis said in "Mere Christianity":

    "When I was a child I often had toothache, and I knew that if I went to my mother she would give me something which would deaden the pain for that night and let me get to sleep. But I did not go to my mother—at least, not till the pain became very bad. And the reason I did not go was this. I did not doubt she would give me the aspirin; but I knew she would also do something else. I knew she would take me to the dentist next morning. I could not get what I wanted out of her without getting something more, which I did not want. I wanted immediate relief from pain: but I could not get it without having my teeth set permanently right. And I knew those dentists: I knew they started fiddling about with all sorts of other teeth which had not yet begun to ache. They would not let sleeping dogs lie, if you gave them an inch they took an ell.  
    Now, if I may put it that way, Our Lord is like the dentists. If you give Him an inch, He will take an ell. Dozens of people go to Him to be cured of some one particular sin which they are ashamed of (like masturbation or physical cowardice) or which is obviously spoiling daily life (like bad temper or drunkenness). Well, He will cure it all right: but He will not stop there. That may be all you asked; but if once you call Him in, He will give you the full treatment.  
    That is why He warned people to ‘count the cost’ before becoming Christians. ‘Make no mistake,’ He says, ‘if you let me, I will make you perfect. The moment you put yourself in My hands, that is what you are in for. Nothing less, or other, than that. You have free will, and if you choose, you can push Me away. But if you do not push Me away, understand that I am going to see this job through. Whatever suffering it may cost you in your earthly life, whatever inconceivable purification it may cost you after death, whatever it costs Me, I will never rest, nor let you rest, until you are literally perfect— until my Father can say without reservation that He is well pleased with you, as He said He was well pleased with me. This I can do and will do. But I will not do anything less.’"

Comforting, Mark, thanks...

And, what do you know, when I got there yesterday, they went ahead and did my six month cleaning and checked out all my other teeth. "No!!" I thought. "I only scheduled the one filling!" But they weren't satisfied with that. In fact, while working on my one filling, they had to adjust an old one beside it that needed some attention with all the chaos going on next door. But, ya know, they fixed my teeth. Cause it's their job. And it hurt. It was uncomfortable. It was messy. But, it was worth it. And my heart is no less worth it. And God won't stop short of perfection, so that his righteousness and his power might be put on display. And that's good. For all of us. So I can submit with hope and joy, because "The saying is trustworthy and deserving of full acceptance, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, of whom I am the foremost." 1 Timothy 1:15

My story.

I was born a middle-class white girl in the suburbs of Moore County. Ha. But really. Someone asked me my Jesus-story the other day, so I thought I'd record it here.

I grew up in a good family. Dad, Mom, younger sister (almost 2 years between us). For most of my life, I had all four grandparents living, and even had 2 great-grandparents through middle school. There's a slew of aunts, uncles, cousins, and cousins-fifteen-times-removed, who are spread throughout the Southeast Coast.

We grew up in church---in fact, I was so holy, I attended 2 churches every Sunday for a time. Only half-joking. From infancy I heard the name of Jesus, I learned about God from sermons and children's church and Vacation Bible School. My mom recently told me that as a young girl I declared blue to be my favorite color because the sky is blue and God lives in the sky. I don't remember that. In fact, I don't remember thinking much about God at all.

I do remember one time staying with my grandma and she told me God was everywhere. I remember some church people painting my face at a festival and asking me about Jesus. I remember thinking in middle school that it seemed kind of far-fetched that a God existed and created everything. Then...nothing...for a while. I do distinctly remember praying in my bed at night during high school...who knows what I was praying about...I really didn't know God then.

It was around that same time I had my first serious boyfriend---serious as in you spend every waking moment talking to, or about, that person. Serious as in you use the L-word and you think you'll marry this person. I think that relationship kind of was my god for a time. When I wasn't making grades my god. Or my performance on the softball field.

Interestingly enough, through that relationship is where I first met people my own age who talked about Jesus like He was a person you could know. And...they listened to...Christian music. Gasp. Real people do that??? I started going to some youth events with my boyfriend. But...I also started pursuing other less-than-holy activities, too. Everyone knows what makes you "cool" in high school. It's not straight A's, but I did my best to maintain straight A's for the adults in my life, and to pursue coolness through whatever means necessary with my friends. Needless to say, there's a lot I'm not proud of from grades 10-12. It wasn't working though...I didn't feel cool. I felt empty.

One night, I felt particularly empty, and I think I had an epiphany of sorts. It wasn't quite as dramatic as Paul on the Road to Damascus, but I did have this realization that the things I was pursuing were not working, and I was tired. I can't remember the exact timing, but I don't think it was more than a couple Sunday's later that I was in church on a Sunday morning, listening to a sermon on choosing whether you wanted to be hot or cold---follow Jesus or not. There's no in-between. I knew that in the past weeks, I'd felt a pull on my heart to respond to God, and I'd resisted. That day I didn't have anymore resistance in me. I gave my life to Jesus. I wanted His forgiveness, and He gave it freely. I wanted a new life, and He breathed it into me. I wanted freedom and peace, and I got up from the altar so light and free. I also got up knowing everything was going to change.

 Some things changed immediately. Some desires for sin were gone, just like that. Other things changed...are changing...gradually. There has often been a fight to believe truth over a long period of time before a stronghold gets crushed. And, everyday, there are new battles. The more you know Jesus, the more you realize you aren't like Him, and the more you want to be like Him, so there's always more you're asking Him for, and hoping to see become reality. But, here is a trustworthy saying: "It is the LORD who goes before you; He will be with you. Do not fear or be dismayed." (Deuteronomy 31:8).

And, that, my friends, is a glimpse into Cristina's story...so far...

I am wanted.

Last Friday, for maybe the first time, I realized that I am wanted. I had just seen a woman use her hands, and her whole body, really, to translate Genesis 1's recounting of God creating the world. It was probably one of the most beautiful things I've ever watched. 

When she finished with, "And God saw that it was very good," a brother shared with the room his own creation-story. He shared how God created their family through adoption, five times over. He shared about his delight in these children, and now, in his grandchildren. He showed us a picture of his beautifully diverse collection of adoring, and adored, grandchildren. Then he reminded us of how we've been adopted by God.

Do you know what the mathematical odds are that you would be born? It's some ridiculous number (What are the odds your parents would meet? What are the odds that they would become romantically involved? What are the odds that you, of all other possibilities, would be conceived? What are the odds that you'd even make it to full term and live here on earth?), which he nicely summed up with, "The odds are infinity to one."

But, do you know what "the one" is? Or, rather, Who it is?

You need to read Ephesians 1. Right now. Go do it! 'Cause it's that good. Look:

"Paul, an apostle of Christ Jesus by the will of God." (v. 1)

"...He chose us in Him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and blameless before Him." (v.4)

"In love He predestined us for adoption as sons through Jesus Christ, according to the purpose of His will..." (v. 5)

"In Him we have redemption...forgiveness...according to the riches of His grace, which He lavished on us in all wisdom and insight, making known to us the mystery of His will, according to His purpose, which He set forth in Christ, as a plan for the fullness of time..." (v 7-10)

"...having been predestined according to the purpose of Him who works all things according to the counsel of His will..." (v. 11)

It is no mistake that you exist (Read Psalm 139 for a refresher on how God intimately weaves each of us together in our mother's womb). It's no mistake if you have any inclination toward Christ . That only happens when God wakes you up to reality and brings you to life a second time (Read Ephesians 2 for a refresher on how we were born into this world dead in sin, but God's rich mercy reached down and made us alive in Christ). He doesn't do anything on accident. Ephesians 1 alone is enough proof of that. By His will, according to the purpose of His will, chose us, predestined, adoption. He didn't accidentally wind up with us. He wanted us.

He wanted us, so He created us. He wanted us as sons and daughters, but we were born dead, so He made a way for us to come to life. He sent Jesus to rescue us. He made us alive in Christ. And He has plans for us as His kids. "For we are His workmanship created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them."

Last Friday, for maybe the first time, I realized that I am wanted. And it's changing things, 'cause when you realize someone wants you and brought you here on purpose, you realize you have a purpose, and you want to live for that purpose.

Inculcation: Send Out Your Light and Your Truth

My friend/boss/pastor, who I will from now on refer to as my fr-os-tor (frostor), has been inculcating, if you will, our staff with the idea of inculcation lately. Now, if you're like me, inculcate is a fairly new vocabulary word. So, as with most new words, I've been turning it over in my mind a lot. I keep repeating it...inculcate...inculcate.

I've been wondering what kind of messages I've been inculcated with in my lifetime (frostor, am I using that word correctly?). I started thinking about my yesterday. Yesterday sucked. I wanted to be doing one thing, but found myself responsible for something different. I hate missing out. The thing I was responsible for didn't feel good, either. In fact, it's totally unnatural for me, so that some days every moment of it feels like weight-lifting. I know you will tell me that weight-lifting is good for me, and, you're right, but just go with me here---and let me just be sad for a minute that yesterday sucked.

It wasn't until the end of yesterday, talking with husband/best friend/pastor, who I will from now on refer to as my hu-st-or (hustor), that I realized most of my struggle was probably because, while I was feeling my weakness and loneliness, I got attacked pretty mightily, and really struggled to fight back with truth. As I talked through what had happened during my day with hustor, and how I'd interpreted each piece, I realized that one of my big struggles was believing (or not) that God was really with me and leading me.

I've been reading this book called Good to Grace, and the author talks a lot about how the Holy Spirit leads believers in the every day. She talks about how freeing that is, because instead of having to try to eek out our own goodness, we can simply listen and obey. Well, I was trying, and I don't know if I couldn't hear, or if I overcomplicated it, or if there were two voices speaking and I struggled to discern God's (I think maybe all of these?), it didn't "work" like I thought it would. And, instead of standing on truth , I caved under the weight of the day and surrendered to defeat. And I'm thinking it's because while God's been spending my whole life inculcating me with His truth, the devil's been spending my whole life inculcating me with his lies.

My whole life I've been observing what's going on around me, and for most of it, I've  interpreted it according to what my former father the devil told me was reality. But, for the last 11.5 years, I've been learning to interpret circumstances based on my new Father God's truth. See, the enemy has inculcated me with all these false ideas, so that in any given crappy circumstance I can discern something crazy like "I am alone", "I am the only one looking out for me", "I will never change", and the like. But, then, God came and re-opened my eyes, and He's been inculcating me with truth, so that in any given crappy circumstance I can discern something beautiful like, "I will never leave you or forsake you", "I will not leave you as orphans", "He who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Christ Jesus."

Who's gonna win the war? Easy. It's already won. It's only a matter of time before my ears listen to the Father's voice, and only His voice, and I'll understand and obey, because I know He's good and right and true. It's only a matter of time. Because, though my inculcation for 17 years was all darkness and death, my inculcation from this time forth and forevermore is only life and peace. There is hope. So, I say, send your inculcation Father.

Send Out Your Light and Your Truth

43 Vindicate me, O God, and defend my cause
    against an ungodly people,
from the deceitful and unjust man
    deliver me!
2 For you are the God in whom I take refuge;
    why have you rejected me?
Why do I go about mourning
    because of the oppression of the enemy?

3 Send out your light and your truth;
    let them lead me;
let them bring me to your holy hill
    and to your dwelling!
4 Then I will go to the altar of God,
    to God my exceeding joy,
and I will praise you with the lyre,
    O God, my God.

5 Why are you cast down, O my soul,
    and why are you in turmoil within me?
Hope in God; for I shall again praise him,
    my salvation and my God.