"Oh, we're halfway there, oh, living on a prayer!"

Yesterday marked our official halfway point in our pregnancy. Naturally, we celebrated with a slice of carrot cake topped with a "1/2" candle that I found in Target's clearance section (reason #34567 why Target is the best store ever). Then we tried really hard to stand still with our hands on the belly to see if we could feel anything. Nothing yet. Patience (we get to see Baby A again on Monday eeek!!!)...

Yesterday was also a big day for our adoption. Our agency's policy is that if we haven't matched with a birthmom/baby by the time we're 5 months pregnant, they put us on hold until our bio-baby is 6 months old. We got official word at 2:54 p.m. yesterday that no match has been made thus far. So, we know that we'll be on hold until at least June of next year.

There's so many emotions going on with all that. I know, you say, "You're pregnant! Of course there's emotions!" Ok, you're right. There are. But I do think there's layers of emotions that we wouldn't otherwise have if we weren't simultaneously pregnant AND pursuing adoption. A little relief that we won't have 2 newborns at the same time. A little disappointment that we won't meet our adopted child for at least another year. A tinge of doubt that maybe we messed something up in the process. A flicker of hope because we know God really is the One in control. "All the feelings," as they say.

When we found out on April 1st (Yes, April Fool's Day. See, God is funny!) that we were pregnant after several years of not getting pregnant, and deciding to go ahead and pursue adoption (something we'd always wanted to do, but had planned to do post-bio-babies), we were...surprised. A little confused. We were 2 weeks out from our final home visit and adoption approval..."Why Now God?" was a real question---not because we weren't happy. We were! Just...we don't get the inside scoop on what God's doing, and we were...confused.

For about a week, we wondered and prayed and asked advice about whether to even continue with our last home study appointment, and felt like God was leading us to go ahead and continue the process. We did, we got approved, and we only needed to make a profile book about our family to show prospective birthmoms. Boy, this last step seemed like it took forever!!! (Kinda 'cause it did...) But in June, we finally finished it with about a month to spare before we'd be put on hold by our agency.

All during that book-making process, we were, again, wondering and praying and asking advice about whether to even continue the process. Is it crazy to set yourself up to have 2 newborns at the same time??? We actually got to ask a couple who experienced that exact thing, and they said "Yes! It IS crazy, but it's worth it..." Honestly, during the process, I don't know that we were ever SURE one way or the other what God wanted for us, BUT we knew that we trusted Him to make the right decision. So, we took a step of faith, we made our book, we put ourselves out there, we set ourselves up for possible craziness. And, as you see, He said "Not right now."

All along I've told people that God knows the timing of when our adopted child will be born. That hasn't changed. All that's changed is that I THOUGHT I knew when it was going to happen, and I was wrong. I FEEL like I know now...I feel like maybe we're halfway through the adoption, too. Like maybe it'll be another year and a half before we met our next little one. But, honestly, I just don't know. I kind of hate when people turn things into cliches like "I don't know what the future holds, but I trust the One who holds the future." But, it really is true. Pretty much all of this has been a walk of faith. And it seems God isn't done teaching us about that yet. We're going out like Abraham to that place God is calling us to---we just don't know exactly where it is or when we're gonna get there. Til then, we trust Him.

In this whole process, the message of the song "Oceans" has been a recurring theme. It seems every time we were at a crossroads emotionally or financially, this song would come up. So, I thought I'd post it here:

Excited to meet Baby A in December, and excited to meet Baby A #2 whenever the Lord decides...
C&C

Coach

Thursday afternoon, I was watching the Southern Middle Panthers take on the Mcdougle Middle Mustangs. The team was struggling at one point and I noticed the coach call out some instruction to one of his players. It seemed like it was probably some instruction he'd already given a few times to this player, who rolled his eyes, shook his head, and muttered something to his teammate. I thought, "Oh, buddy, that is just not gonna work out for you."  

If for no other reason than he'll pull you out of the game if you won't follow his lead, you should submit to your coach. But beyond that, it's just not smart to disagree with your coach, who knows you, and can see the game with an outside perspective. He's the coach for a reason. 

Isn't it the same with us and God? Isaiah 28 explains how God is like a farmer with us, careful to plow and sow and harvest at just the right time. So why is it so hard for us to wait on His timing? Do we think we know better? That He is somehow not competent to run our lives? He is competent.

Isaiah 28:29 reminds us that He is, "The LORD Almighty, wonderful in counsel and magnificent in wisdom." He knows how to coach us.

God either counts faith or trespasses

I read something the other day that kind of dumbfounded me:

"that is, in Christ God was reconciling the world to himself, not counting their trespasses against them, and entrusting to us the message of reconciliation." 2 Corinthians 5:19 

Of course, I'm glad God is not counting trespasses against those in Christ, especially me, but I wondered, "How?? How can He just not count them?" 

After a few days of some Mary-style pondering in my heart, I could only conclude that I didn't understand, but I was thankful. Then, searching for this passage about Abraham's faith in God's promise, I realized a connection that took my breath away:

20 No unbelief made him waver concerning the promise of God, but he grew strong in his faith as he gave glory to God,

21 fully convinced that God was able to do what he had promised.

22 That is why his faith was "counted to him as righteousness."

23 But the words "it was counted to him" were not written for his sake alone,

24 but for ours also. It will be counted to us who believe in him who raised from the dead Jesus our Lord,

25 who was delivered up for our trespasses and raised for our justification. 

Romans 4:20-25 

So, I realized, God will count one of two things- our trespasses, or our faith in Christ. One leads to death, our deserved wage. One leads to life, a gift of Jesus' righteousness. 

Here's what I've found:

6 just as David also speaks of the blessing of the one to whom God counts righteousness apart from works:

7 "Blessed are those whose lawless deeds are forgiven, and whose sins are covered; 

8 blessed is the man against whom the Lord will not count his sin."  

Romans 4:6-8

Renewing Our Vows

Brett came over Saturday night and helped Casey put together the humongous desk that he bought. They couldn't fit it in the door Tuesday when he brought it home, so the only thing to do was take screws out and bring it inside in pieces. Kelly was at a wedding vow renewal, so we got to talking about that whole concept --- why people do it and that sort of thing. I didn't know what I thought about it.

Sunday night we had a special baptism and singing service at church. I listened to Allie share how God connected the dots about Jesus for her several years ago, and how she's given her life to Him. I listened to Brett ask her some questions like 'Did she believe Jesus's life and death and resurrection was enough to cover her sin and give her new life?' And 'Did she want to commit to following Him forever?' It all felt very wedding-y. It was beautiful, and we all cried for joy. And I was thinking about my own baptism, and the day that I first gave my life to Jesus. How He won my heart over. I couldn't help but think of my own vows to God.

Andrew got up to lead music, and he said the band had been praying that all of us would, in a sense, be "baptized" that night---renewed. And my heart leaped a little...renewed...like renewing your vows. And we started singing. And...have you ever sat down to a meal, not realizing you were hungry, but once you started eating, you realized it was the best food you'd ever tasted? That's what it was.

We sang song after song---all my favorites. I kept waiting for a song I didn't like to come up, but it never happened. And I knew---God directed the night for ALL of us, but I couldn't help but think, "He KNOWS these are my favorites." And I sang them...I had to...I sang them to Him. I couldn't help but think, "Is God...am I...are we renewing our vows?"

We sang how "There is Power in the Name of Jesus...to break every chain"....and I confessed that I want to believe this! I need to believe this! In fact, what I wrote on my paper is, "It is Time to believe God for..." For people in my life that I want to be free. For my own freedom from guilt and fear.

Then Andrew said something about being controlled by love, and of course, 2 Corinthians 5:14-15 came to mind, "For the love of Christ controls us, because we have concluded this: that one has died for all; therefore all have died; and He died for all that those who live might no longer live for themselves but for Him who for their sake died and was raised."

It was the beginning of the answer to my prayer...freedom is being controlled not by guilt and fear, but by the love of Christ. So, we sang about His love for us. What would it be like to be ruled by love instead of guilt and fear? It sounds like cold water in the desert. So I did, and I am, begging God to help me believe His love for me. To be controlled...compelled by that love.

And, Casey tells me He's going to answer that prayer because, well, it's what He wants, and He's the one who gave me that desire in the first place. And...I am stunned. And hopeful. It's been twelve years, and some days I honestly wish I had more to show for it. But apparently God isn't done yet. He still wants me. Even when I am faithless, He remains faithful, for He cannot deny Himself.