"You got some candy?"

"Candy," was all she said, and serious as could be.

"What?" I asked.

"Candy. You got some candy?" she said again as she unlocked my door from outside and opened it to step up into the van.

"No, I don't have any candy" I told her. She was now practically laying across me to look into the middle console to see if I was telling her the truth.

Seeing me putting something away in my wallet she asked, "What's that? I want some!"

I told her, "You don't even know what it is! How do you know you want any? What if it's boogers!?"

And that's about where our conversation ended, because she realized I didn't have anything she wanted.

This is a little girl I know from church. We regularly pick her and brothers and sisters up to come to our Wednesday night children's programs, or to camps with Youth for Christ. Lately, when Casey and I have driven through her neighborhood on the church van, we've only been picking up middle schoolers and high schoolers for our youth group. Every time she sees our van pull in, she comes straight to the window and asks for candy. No need for pretense---no "Hello Cristina, how are you? Good to see you." She pretty much always only wants candy. The last few times we've interacted, I've taken to telling her that it's really not nice to do this.

"You know...it's kind of rude to only ever ask people for candy."

"No, it's not nice to get into people's car without their permission."

"Listen, you may not touch my things without asking first."

"It's not kind to tell people they are mean because they won't give you candy."

"No, stop hanging on the door. We have to leave now. It's not polite to hang on people's car doors."

As she yells that we are mean and she doesn't like us---"Okay, good to see you! See you later!"

The interactions usually just make me laugh, and yes, annoy me a little. But this last time, I just kept thinking about it for several days. I started thinking God probably had a lesson somewhere in it for me. So, I've been listening and pondering.

I think my last interaction with this little friend had just had really gotten under my skin. No one likes to feel used---like a person only cares about them for what they can get out of them. The thing is---she's a beautiful and funny little girl, and I'd like to be able to carry on a conversation with her. But I can't. I go to say hello, and she says, "Candy!" We go back and forth about candy till she realizes I don't have any. Then we go back and forth about whether she can come to youth group, even though she's about 5 years too young, and then once she realizes she can't get candy and she can't come to youth group, she's done with me, and says I'm mean and she doesn't like me anyway.

I think, it just grieves me that though I'd give myself to her in relationship, she only wants to talk about candy, even though I don't have that to give to her. And so, I realize, I think I do this with my Father, too.

"God, can I have x''?"

"No, that's not what I have for you right now."

"Well, then can I have 'y'?"

"No, that's not what I have for you either."

"God, why won't you give me what I want!!" Conversation over---on my part, not His.

But, here's the reason I have hope for me, and for her. I know how I feel about her. I still have love for her. I still want a deeper relationship with her. I want to be able to talk about life and her family and her likes and dislikes and her relationship with God. And I hope maybe one day she will be ready for that. I know that when she's ready, I'll be all ears. And I know that God is always infinitely more patient and loving than I am. So if I feel that way about her, how much moreso does he have patience and love and ears for me? I know in prayer that I am probably just where this little girl is. Asking for what I want and often walking away in disappointment when I don't get it. But I trust that God is faithful enough to wait on me to grow and to start talking to Him about what He wants for me. Yup, I think He's gonna help me grow up and He's gonna keep interacting with me and showing me who He is. And one day, I'll catch up. And one day, me and my little friend are gonna have a real conversation. And hey, maybe next time I ride through her neighborhood, I'll just bring a piece of candy to offer her---IF she will have a conversation with me :)

I don't run unless I'm being chased

For the past 28 years, this has been the case: I do not run unless I'm being chased. I did run during softball, but I'll argue that I was technically being chased by the person throwing the ball to get me out. Running for P.E. class also counts as being chased --- chased by time, and the threat of an "F" if I did not complete the mile or dreaded 2 1/2 mile runs. In fact, I did fail the 2 1/2 mile run, but somehow still managed to get an "A" in P.E. That didn't stop me from crying in the gym afterwards (I didn't know that I wasn't really going to fail my class. In hindsight, I've decided it was only a threat to ensure that we actually TRIED to run the 2 1/2 miles under a certain amount of time---would have been nice if someone had told me that pre-sob-fest).

You can see that running and I don't have a good history. It's funny because my dad has run for longer than I've been alive, and I've inherited enough of his old race tshirts that I could probably wear a different one every day of the year. I've been such a poser---wearing tshirts from races that happened before I was even born. People start talking to me about running and I have to admit that I just like old tshirts, not running. That is, until a couple weeks ago.

Casey and I have a friend who runs in ultramarathons. I'm not sure why anyone would do that to themselves, but I have enough quirks that I'll let this one of his slide. Anyhow, he mentioned that he had a beginner's guide to running that we could try out. So, Casey started talking about buying some new running shoes...for a few months. He talked about it so much that I started to have strange thoughts about actually participating with him in this ridiculous venture. For his birthday, Casey actually got some money to buy shoes and he put it to use right away. Not to be outdone, I went and bought some running shoes myself. All our talk, and now we had the shoes...the only thing left was to actually follow through and start running.

We told several friends about what we were planning, and wore our new shoes. Sometimes it's good to let others in like this, because it keeps you motivated to follow through. The first day we ran for a minute and walked for 2 (repeat 10x). It wasn't fun, but it wasn't as terrible as I'd imagined. I survived - check. The second week you switch things up and run for two minutes and walk 1 (repeat 10x). The first day we did this, I thought I was going to die.

I decided by the second minute of running that I was just not going to do this plan anymore. My lungs hurt and my legs hurt and I kept sneezing (I keep telling people I'm allergic to exercise!). Casey kept talking to me and I didn't have the breath or energy to talk to him while running. I spent every minute of walking trying to remember how to breathe, only to find that it was time to run again before I'd really caught up. I told myself "Just get to the 5th rep and you can quit", but by the time I got to the fifth running stint, my stubbornness was kicking in. I didn't want to be a quitter.

I remember just where I was on the track when I realized the irony of what was happening. Here I was, my calf muscles killing me! My abs were hurting because I decided to be cool and try pilates earlier that day. My chest was burning. I was sweating profusely...on purpose. I started thinking how this is just what I've been learning about suffering and pain and discipline. People don't knowingly enter into pain and sweat and exhaustion...unless the benefit they will receive outweighs those discomforts.

See, I've been struggling with why God not only allows, but sends, frustrations into my life. "Why does it have to be this way God???" I have been asking him. And the irony was not lost on me on the track. Here I was, knowingly putting myself through physical pain, because I wanted the benefit of discipline and health in my life. If even I can see that, can't God see my whole life and what things need to be in it in order for me to grow? Can't I trust the infinite, timeless, good, loving God to send even pain and suffering into my life because He knows the benefits far outweigh the discomforts? Can't I trust a God who not only promises to bring all suffering to an end one day, but who Himself has gone before me into suffering, knowing the joy that was set before Him as He endured the cross for me and all who trust in His Name and work? Yes, He is trustworthy. Yes, He is wise. Yes, He is loving.

O my soul, trust Him.

On Having Open Hands

Our church family has been traveling through the book of James. This past Sunday we were in James 4:13-17, and Brett led us through "How to Plan for the Future". This particular word was timely for Casey and me in area of parenthood.

See, we will have been married four years this July (Lord willin' and the creek don't rise, right?). And lots of people have asked us if we want to have children, really since before we even got married. And we always answer with something to the effect of "Yes, whenever God decides is good". And we have believed this to some extent, but I think we've become more convinced in these past couple years how true this really is.

Lots of people get married, wait a few years, decide they want to have children, and get pregnant. You could be lured into thinking that childbearing is something you just decide is good, and then work your way there, so to speak. Like flicking on a light-switch. But, I guess, we've learned that it's just not the case. We aren't in control. Brett reminded us of this Sunday. "Don't presume anything---you aren't in control" (see James 4:13-14).

The reality is that our plans to have children by now apparently are not God's plans, because it hasn't happened. Brett told us Sunday "we think our life is long and we plan that way". We imagine a good long life and where we think each little piece of it should go. In reality, we are a mist, and we don't even get to know how long our life will be. We are tempted to try to figure that out by looking at someone else's story---and boy have we done that. It's difficult not to compare yourself to your friends, your family, people you admire, and wonder "Why don't we have what they have?" But Brett reminded us that we cannot live by human understanding---our own understanding put us at the center, but God may have better plans for us than we can imagine that will ultimately bring Him more glory than we can imagine (check out Proverbs 3:5-6)!

Last night, Casey and I talked about our desire to have children. And, in fact, our grief over what we've lost. In some sense, a dream has died. We imagined life to be one way, but that picture we had has crumpled. We imagined where we'd be by now, but we're not there. We can continue to hang onto that, and we can become bitter over what God has not given us, or we can let that dream die and hope in the God of the resurrection who can redeem the most broken things, bring life where there is none, and bring great glory to His name through our lives.

We sometimes think we know what would be best, but we're wrong. God knows best what we need. He has made us many promises, but one that is special to us is Psalm 84:11 "For the LORD God is a sun and shield; the LORD bestows favor and honor. No good thing does he withhold from those who walk uprightly." No good thing. 

We can trust God. He is good. He loves us. He is our Father. In Luke 12 Jesus tells us that we can live life free of worry because our heavenly Father knows all that we need and will provide it. To back this claim up, He actually promises something much greater---He tells us to seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness (Luke 12:31), knowing that it is our Father's good pleasure to give us the kingdom (Luke 12:32). He says as we seek this kingdom that He delights to give us, all the rest will be taken care of. So, we walk forward with open hands, seeking Him, and trusting that He will fill our hands again.

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart) - a happy birthday tribute to Dannilee

Hey Sis. You know, today is a special day in the world for those of us blessed to know you. It's birthday #26 for you. 26 years of us being different because we've known you.

I love that these are the first pictures I found of you. Your expressions are classic Danielle. #1: "Okay, I'll try to smile, but take the picture fast." #2: "Why are you still trying to take the picture?" #3: "Seriously, why?" Or, at least that's what I imagine you thinking. Truthfully, while we are alike in many of our quirks, in some ways you are a mystery to me.

I've always been a little envious of your boldness to say what you are thinking; to take the proverbial road less traveled. You aren't afraid to try something different (blue hair in high school? a nose ring? college 3 hours away? living on your own? considering moving to Seattle?), and I honestly admire that. Not to mention how crazy talented you are.

I remember you drawing Mickey Mouse over and over. I knew that I liked to doodle, but I realized even then that you were in a league beyond me. You have an eye for beautiful things and you capture them in your paintings and drawings. I love to see your creativity come to life, even in the way you organize your apartment (even in your OCD tendencies---"must stack papers on table just so..."). Some of my most prized possessions are the paintings you've done for me. I feel I have a little piece of you hanging on my wall. And that's another thing---I love the way you give your love to people.

You seem to love many people that some would say aren't very loveable. That's a beautiful thing. To see past someone's flaws and love them inspite of themselves. I know you've done that with me. There are many things, as your sister, I would go back in time and do differently. Alas, I can't. But you love me still. Thank you for that. You're a feisty little lady --- don't even try to say you aren't, but sometimes I am overcome to see your compassion pour over onto someone in need. Like how Mom told me that you held her hand that morning she was in pain after knee surgery and she couldn't take medicine yet. You just sat there and held her hand while it hurt, and it made me cry happy tears to think of you.

You are a beautiful woman. Beautiful. I love you so. Here's to many more years of getting to know you.

"i carry your heart with me (i carry it in my heart)

i am never without it(anywhere i go you go,my dear..."

from [i carry your heart with me (i carry it in] by E.E. Cummings