My story.

I was born a middle-class white girl in the suburbs of Moore County. Ha. But really. Someone asked me my Jesus-story the other day, so I thought I'd record it here.

I grew up in a good family. Dad, Mom, younger sister (almost 2 years between us). For most of my life, I had all four grandparents living, and even had 2 great-grandparents through middle school. There's a slew of aunts, uncles, cousins, and cousins-fifteen-times-removed, who are spread throughout the Southeast Coast.

We grew up in church---in fact, I was so holy, I attended 2 churches every Sunday for a time. Only half-joking. From infancy I heard the name of Jesus, I learned about God from sermons and children's church and Vacation Bible School. My mom recently told me that as a young girl I declared blue to be my favorite color because the sky is blue and God lives in the sky. I don't remember that. In fact, I don't remember thinking much about God at all.

I do remember one time staying with my grandma and she told me God was everywhere. I remember some church people painting my face at a festival and asking me about Jesus. I remember thinking in middle school that it seemed kind of far-fetched that a God existed and created everything. Then...nothing...for a while. I do distinctly remember praying in my bed at night during high school...who knows what I was praying about...I really didn't know God then.

It was around that same time I had my first serious boyfriend---serious as in you spend every waking moment talking to, or about, that person. Serious as in you use the L-word and you think you'll marry this person. I think that relationship kind of was my god for a time. When I wasn't making grades my god. Or my performance on the softball field.

Interestingly enough, through that relationship is where I first met people my own age who talked about Jesus like He was a person you could know. And...they listened to...Christian music. Gasp. Real people do that??? I started going to some youth events with my boyfriend. But...I also started pursuing other less-than-holy activities, too. Everyone knows what makes you "cool" in high school. It's not straight A's, but I did my best to maintain straight A's for the adults in my life, and to pursue coolness through whatever means necessary with my friends. Needless to say, there's a lot I'm not proud of from grades 10-12. It wasn't working though...I didn't feel cool. I felt empty.

One night, I felt particularly empty, and I think I had an epiphany of sorts. It wasn't quite as dramatic as Paul on the Road to Damascus, but I did have this realization that the things I was pursuing were not working, and I was tired. I can't remember the exact timing, but I don't think it was more than a couple Sunday's later that I was in church on a Sunday morning, listening to a sermon on choosing whether you wanted to be hot or cold---follow Jesus or not. There's no in-between. I knew that in the past weeks, I'd felt a pull on my heart to respond to God, and I'd resisted. That day I didn't have anymore resistance in me. I gave my life to Jesus. I wanted His forgiveness, and He gave it freely. I wanted a new life, and He breathed it into me. I wanted freedom and peace, and I got up from the altar so light and free. I also got up knowing everything was going to change.

 Some things changed immediately. Some desires for sin were gone, just like that. Other things changed...are changing...gradually. There has often been a fight to believe truth over a long period of time before a stronghold gets crushed. And, everyday, there are new battles. The more you know Jesus, the more you realize you aren't like Him, and the more you want to be like Him, so there's always more you're asking Him for, and hoping to see become reality. But, here is a trustworthy saying: "It is the LORD who goes before you; He will be with you. Do not fear or be dismayed." (Deuteronomy 31:8).

And, that, my friends, is a glimpse into Cristina's story...so far...

I am wanted.

Last Friday, for maybe the first time, I realized that I am wanted. I had just seen a woman use her hands, and her whole body, really, to translate Genesis 1's recounting of God creating the world. It was probably one of the most beautiful things I've ever watched. 

When she finished with, "And God saw that it was very good," a brother shared with the room his own creation-story. He shared how God created their family through adoption, five times over. He shared about his delight in these children, and now, in his grandchildren. He showed us a picture of his beautifully diverse collection of adoring, and adored, grandchildren. Then he reminded us of how we've been adopted by God.

Do you know what the mathematical odds are that you would be born? It's some ridiculous number (What are the odds your parents would meet? What are the odds that they would become romantically involved? What are the odds that you, of all other possibilities, would be conceived? What are the odds that you'd even make it to full term and live here on earth?), which he nicely summed up with, "The odds are infinity to one."

But, do you know what "the one" is? Or, rather, Who it is?

You need to read Ephesians 1. Right now. Go do it! 'Cause it's that good. Look:

"Paul, an apostle of Christ Jesus by the will of God." (v. 1)

"...He chose us in Him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and blameless before Him." (v.4)

"In love He predestined us for adoption as sons through Jesus Christ, according to the purpose of His will..." (v. 5)

"In Him we have redemption...forgiveness...according to the riches of His grace, which He lavished on us in all wisdom and insight, making known to us the mystery of His will, according to His purpose, which He set forth in Christ, as a plan for the fullness of time..." (v 7-10)

"...having been predestined according to the purpose of Him who works all things according to the counsel of His will..." (v. 11)

It is no mistake that you exist (Read Psalm 139 for a refresher on how God intimately weaves each of us together in our mother's womb). It's no mistake if you have any inclination toward Christ . That only happens when God wakes you up to reality and brings you to life a second time (Read Ephesians 2 for a refresher on how we were born into this world dead in sin, but God's rich mercy reached down and made us alive in Christ). He doesn't do anything on accident. Ephesians 1 alone is enough proof of that. By His will, according to the purpose of His will, chose us, predestined, adoption. He didn't accidentally wind up with us. He wanted us.

He wanted us, so He created us. He wanted us as sons and daughters, but we were born dead, so He made a way for us to come to life. He sent Jesus to rescue us. He made us alive in Christ. And He has plans for us as His kids. "For we are His workmanship created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them."

Last Friday, for maybe the first time, I realized that I am wanted. And it's changing things, 'cause when you realize someone wants you and brought you here on purpose, you realize you have a purpose, and you want to live for that purpose.

Inculcation: Send Out Your Light and Your Truth

My friend/boss/pastor, who I will from now on refer to as my fr-os-tor (frostor), has been inculcating, if you will, our staff with the idea of inculcation lately. Now, if you're like me, inculcate is a fairly new vocabulary word. So, as with most new words, I've been turning it over in my mind a lot. I keep repeating it...inculcate...inculcate.

I've been wondering what kind of messages I've been inculcated with in my lifetime (frostor, am I using that word correctly?). I started thinking about my yesterday. Yesterday sucked. I wanted to be doing one thing, but found myself responsible for something different. I hate missing out. The thing I was responsible for didn't feel good, either. In fact, it's totally unnatural for me, so that some days every moment of it feels like weight-lifting. I know you will tell me that weight-lifting is good for me, and, you're right, but just go with me here---and let me just be sad for a minute that yesterday sucked.

It wasn't until the end of yesterday, talking with husband/best friend/pastor, who I will from now on refer to as my hu-st-or (hustor), that I realized most of my struggle was probably because, while I was feeling my weakness and loneliness, I got attacked pretty mightily, and really struggled to fight back with truth. As I talked through what had happened during my day with hustor, and how I'd interpreted each piece, I realized that one of my big struggles was believing (or not) that God was really with me and leading me.

I've been reading this book called Good to Grace, and the author talks a lot about how the Holy Spirit leads believers in the every day. She talks about how freeing that is, because instead of having to try to eek out our own goodness, we can simply listen and obey. Well, I was trying, and I don't know if I couldn't hear, or if I overcomplicated it, or if there were two voices speaking and I struggled to discern God's (I think maybe all of these?), it didn't "work" like I thought it would. And, instead of standing on truth , I caved under the weight of the day and surrendered to defeat. And I'm thinking it's because while God's been spending my whole life inculcating me with His truth, the devil's been spending my whole life inculcating me with his lies.

My whole life I've been observing what's going on around me, and for most of it, I've  interpreted it according to what my former father the devil told me was reality. But, for the last 11.5 years, I've been learning to interpret circumstances based on my new Father God's truth. See, the enemy has inculcated me with all these false ideas, so that in any given crappy circumstance I can discern something crazy like "I am alone", "I am the only one looking out for me", "I will never change", and the like. But, then, God came and re-opened my eyes, and He's been inculcating me with truth, so that in any given crappy circumstance I can discern something beautiful like, "I will never leave you or forsake you", "I will not leave you as orphans", "He who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Christ Jesus."

Who's gonna win the war? Easy. It's already won. It's only a matter of time before my ears listen to the Father's voice, and only His voice, and I'll understand and obey, because I know He's good and right and true. It's only a matter of time. Because, though my inculcation for 17 years was all darkness and death, my inculcation from this time forth and forevermore is only life and peace. There is hope. So, I say, send your inculcation Father.

Send Out Your Light and Your Truth

43 Vindicate me, O God, and defend my cause
    against an ungodly people,
from the deceitful and unjust man
    deliver me!
2 For you are the God in whom I take refuge;
    why have you rejected me?
Why do I go about mourning
    because of the oppression of the enemy?

3 Send out your light and your truth;
    let them lead me;
let them bring me to your holy hill
    and to your dwelling!
4 Then I will go to the altar of God,
    to God my exceeding joy,
and I will praise you with the lyre,
    O God, my God.

5 Why are you cast down, O my soul,
    and why are you in turmoil within me?
Hope in God; for I shall again praise him,
    my salvation and my God.

I don't understand

Yesterday we had a 60th birthday party for Dad. Mom and I got together to plan, and decided I would rent the picnic shelter uptown where our whole family could gather for lasagna and cake and birthday fun. When I went to bed the night before, the wind was howling. When I woke up, it still was. When we got to park, the wind was even stronger, tearing through the picnic shelter like we were a little sailboat in the middle of an ocean storm.

I had been praying all week for good weather. I had been praying that morning. I had been praying while I duct taped 'Happy 60th birthday' signs to posts, that the wind would stop howling. "God, you calmed storms. You can just tell the wind to stop." And it seemed like the wind would howl louder, and nearly rip my sign out of my hands. After several failed attempts to duct table cloths to picnic tables, with party supplies flying everywhere, we gave it up and headed back to our apartment where we all huddled into our living room to regroup. I was unhappy, to say the least. I wanted to cry from frustration, and yell in anger. "God, I don't understand what you're doing."

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This morning we got up way too early for a sunrise service with our church family (good thing I like them, or I'd still be mad I got up so early, to cook no less). Post-service, we went inside to eat breakfast. Kelly was holding little Miss Hayden, but put her down with Brett while she went to refill Hay's milk bottle. Hayden got the pouty face and went to crying. I listened to her dad tell her, "It's ok. She'll be back. She's going to get you some milk. She's taking care of you. That's what Mommy always does - she takes care of you."

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A few minutes ago, at "second breakfast", if you will, Casey read us a short story from a little book we like called Not By Sight. It was a reflection on the time when Lazarus died and Jesus waited four days to come see about him and his sisters, Mary and Martha. It was written from Martha's perspective. She wonders why Jesus didn't come at first, and what he will do when he does come. She's confused, sad --- hurt, even --- that he didn't come and save Lazarus at the beginning. But the verse that opens this story (in John chapter 11) tells us that Jesus delayed precisely because he loved Lazarus, Martha, and Mary. Of course, we know, Jesus did raise Lazarus from the dead that fourth day, and when He did, He brought much glory to God and brought many people to Himself, because of this miracle.

Martha and Mary asked Jesus to come. They had asked God to heal their brother Lazarus. And God delayed. And, at first, to some, it looked like God didn't care. But God knew what He was doing. Jesus delayed so that God would receive the glory and the Martha and Mary would receive much joy.

Yesterday, while I was muttering, Casey reminded me that 2,000 years ago, when Jesus was dying on the cross, it looked, to some, like God was out of control, but we know He had never been in more control.

So, can I trust Him with my "ruined" party plans? Yeah, I think I can. Because He's the God who turns an instrument of death into an instrument of salvation. He's the one who turns death into new life. He is the God of the Resurrection. He is the Resurrection and the Life. And He's just like Hayden's momma - He is always taking care of his kids, in the very best way. Even when we don't understand.