I don't understand

Yesterday we had a 60th birthday party for Dad. Mom and I got together to plan, and decided I would rent the picnic shelter uptown where our whole family could gather for lasagna and cake and birthday fun. When I went to bed the night before, the wind was howling. When I woke up, it still was. When we got to park, the wind was even stronger, tearing through the picnic shelter like we were a little sailboat in the middle of an ocean storm.

I had been praying all week for good weather. I had been praying that morning. I had been praying while I duct taped 'Happy 60th birthday' signs to posts, that the wind would stop howling. "God, you calmed storms. You can just tell the wind to stop." And it seemed like the wind would howl louder, and nearly rip my sign out of my hands. After several failed attempts to duct table cloths to picnic tables, with party supplies flying everywhere, we gave it up and headed back to our apartment where we all huddled into our living room to regroup. I was unhappy, to say the least. I wanted to cry from frustration, and yell in anger. "God, I don't understand what you're doing."

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This morning we got up way too early for a sunrise service with our church family (good thing I like them, or I'd still be mad I got up so early, to cook no less). Post-service, we went inside to eat breakfast. Kelly was holding little Miss Hayden, but put her down with Brett while she went to refill Hay's milk bottle. Hayden got the pouty face and went to crying. I listened to her dad tell her, "It's ok. She'll be back. She's going to get you some milk. She's taking care of you. That's what Mommy always does - she takes care of you."

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A few minutes ago, at "second breakfast", if you will, Casey read us a short story from a little book we like called Not By Sight. It was a reflection on the time when Lazarus died and Jesus waited four days to come see about him and his sisters, Mary and Martha. It was written from Martha's perspective. She wonders why Jesus didn't come at first, and what he will do when he does come. She's confused, sad --- hurt, even --- that he didn't come and save Lazarus at the beginning. But the verse that opens this story (in John chapter 11) tells us that Jesus delayed precisely because he loved Lazarus, Martha, and Mary. Of course, we know, Jesus did raise Lazarus from the dead that fourth day, and when He did, He brought much glory to God and brought many people to Himself, because of this miracle.

Martha and Mary asked Jesus to come. They had asked God to heal their brother Lazarus. And God delayed. And, at first, to some, it looked like God didn't care. But God knew what He was doing. Jesus delayed so that God would receive the glory and the Martha and Mary would receive much joy.

Yesterday, while I was muttering, Casey reminded me that 2,000 years ago, when Jesus was dying on the cross, it looked, to some, like God was out of control, but we know He had never been in more control.

So, can I trust Him with my "ruined" party plans? Yeah, I think I can. Because He's the God who turns an instrument of death into an instrument of salvation. He's the one who turns death into new life. He is the God of the Resurrection. He is the Resurrection and the Life. And He's just like Hayden's momma - He is always taking care of his kids, in the very best way. Even when we don't understand.

Spoiler Alert: I Don't Know The Future

“Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don’t get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes." (Matthew 6:34 MSG)

One of the best things, for me, about being at Campus Life M clubs in the mornings is getting to hear Mark teach about God every week. We go to Southern on Wednesday, and Northern on Thursday, so I actually hear the same teaching two mornings in a row. And it's really good for me. That point that stood out to me Wednesday morning comes back around again Thursday morning, and I have another chance to meditate on what God is saying to me.

This week, Mark was teaching the students about "Who God Is". Pretty lofty subject, but he does a great job of teaching complex things in an uncomplicated way, so that even middle schoolers (and Cristina) can understand. 

So one of the things he shared about God is how God knows everything that has ever happened, everything that is currently happening, and everything that will (or even could happen). 

Both days he asked the students "Would you like to know the future?" Wednesday, I swear, ALL the kids raised their hands! Thursday only one said she definitely would want to know. But, then, he told them he wasn't sure he'd want to know. I mean, if it was going to be a good day, you might want to get up early and get going. But if you knew it was going to be a bad day, you might not even want to get out of bed. And there it was.

The truth of how I've been living. I live most of my days as if I can see the future. And the future I see is not good. So, some days, I really don't want to get out of bed. But, I drag myself out and down to the coffeepot. I sit on the sofa with my Bible open. I take out my journal and pen, but lately, the words don't come. I don't want to read the Bible. I don't want to talk to God. Because, I think -- I'm pretty sure -- the day is going to suck. But, here's the thing.

Mark was telling the kids that ONLY God knows the future. I. don't. know. the. future! I've got to stop living like I do. In defeat. Wouldn't that be freeing? To just live life knowing that my Father does know the future, will be with me, and will empower me for whatever comes? Yeah, probably so...probably this:

“Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don’t get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes.

What is that?

So, I'm driving down the road listening to NPR's Science Friday with this guest talking about images from some space mission. He's talking about how they got these pictures of something they didn't expect. There's these two lights in the pictures, and they don't know what they are. Right now, the images are from so far away, all they really look like is two dots. But, he says, they plan to take shots closer to the lights, or whatever they are, and those shots will be 100 times better than the current ones. And the current shots -- they are already 100 times better than the previous ones. And, listening to him talk, it hits me.

The truth of what he's saying---how they are seeing something. They have the images. But they don't know what it is they're looking at...Yet. Those things, whatever they are, have always been there. But, before, they were looking from so far away, they couldn't even tell. Now, they're closer, and they can seem something. Soon, they'll be even closer, and maybe they'll be able to make sense of what exactly they're looking at. 100 years from now? Who knows what they'll know about these little mysteries?

One hundred years from now, who knows what I'll know about my own little mysteries? God has all of my days recorded. He has for forever. Literally. "Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be (Psalm 139:16)." In some mysterious way, all of my days have always been, in that God has always had them planned out. 

But me, I'm so small, so inside time, that I haven't been able to see the happenings of my life plainly until I arrive right up on top of them. Sometimes, I see dimly the things that are coming---so dimly that all they look like is those 2 blobs of light out there in the universe. 'What, exactly, are they? What am I looking at?' If I'm being honest, even when I am "right up on top of them", I am often, still, perplexed. 'Okay, yes, I see them now. They are, uh...well, they look like...well, they feel like...um...well, I don't really know.' 

Sometimes, I look back at "old pictures", and suddenly, in the right light, those memories and experiences seem so much more plain. 'Oh, that's what was going on then. I see what you did there, God.' And, sometimes, no matter what the light looks like, no matter the quality of the "picture", I still don't have a word for what I'm seeing. Maybe sometimes---maybe most times, I have to settle my hope in the fact that, one day---maybe 100 years of days from now---the picture will be clear. I will have words for what I will then see clearly. All the angst will fall away, and it will only be joy that I comprehend. And it will only be pleasure that I experience. And it will only be praise that I speak.

"For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known (1 Corinthians 13:12)."

This. This truth that God knows in full. God plans in full. God loves in full. This truth is enough to sustain when I don't know why. All the things I don't understand now. All the "no's" in answer to prayer. All the suffering that doesn't make sense to me. All the waiting. All of it. It's those 2 lights...out there. It's something. It's not meaningless. In time, it will even make sense. And, more than just making sense, it will bring praise to the One who is Creator, Father, Lover, Friend, Shepherd, Master. It's good. 

So, I look forward to the coming closer. To the understanding, yes. But, mostly, closer to the One who understands. And I don't wait alone. He's here now.

This House Ain't Big Enough For You! SO GET OUT! {The tale of a couple + an unwanted house guest}

SO